I am awesome

 I AM AWESOME.

These are the words I see when I look down at my feet today.

No, not a tattoo. They're on my socks. 

I was given these as a gift when I was going through chemo (six years ago!) I keep them to remind me of the crap I've gone through and that I'm here. 

On my crappy days, when I forget to be all zen, when I forget about all the new mantras I wanted to practice when I got rid of my cancer; I wear the socks.

Because although I do try to remind myself to be kind to myself, to cut myself slack, to give compassion to myself that I give to others- it's not always so easy to do. 

We are so hard on ourselves. We are self critical. Sometimes self loathing. We so readily find our flaws when, we should be easily seeing our strengths. 

We are constantly saying to ourselves, I wish I was.... thinner, richer, happier, healthier, had more time, had less time, smarter, confident (you get the gist. Fill in your own blank)

I haven't slept well this week. Nothing in particular on my mind, it's just kind of my way of life these days (and when I say these days I mean for 20 years)

I wake up tired and cranky. Wanting more for myself. (Totally unsure what that more is) (And why do I want more? I'm pretty damned happy)

Maybe it's my turning 55 this year. 

Double nickels! I'm pretty sure I was just in middle school talking to my friend about how old we would be in the year 2000. 

"32!" we exclaimed. "OMG, we will be old and married with kids by then!"

(I wasn't by the way)

(Because you know, life doesnt go according to the way your MASH games do in middle school. ) (You know MASH right? Will I live in a mansion? Who will I marry? How many kids will I have? And if you ended up living in the shack, well, you just did a redo til you ended up with the perfect MASH)

So, yes, almost 55, great husband, great kids, super cute dog, life is good. 

But I still pick myself apart. I still am not as kind to myself as I should be. I still look in the mirror and only see flaws. 

New year. New me? Ha. No, I know better than to make resolutions. 

So do I feel I am awesome? 

Hardly. 

But I also do know that I'm here. And pretty damn thankful.