eatthefrostingfirst

I think I'm the only neurotic mother who makes her children wear helmets while sledding. Decided I dont care if I'm the only neurotic mother. At least my boys wont be a statistic. If mothering wasn't so strenuous at times I'm sure I would be able to shut my mouth for longer than 5 minutes and actually lose the 10lbs I've wanted to lose for the past 5+ years Also wonder if I'm the only mother who cant stick to her guns. I'm raising a very willful and assertive child (for those who know my children well enough, there's no need to ask which child I'm referring to) I discipline. Quite often. But there are times (many times) where I dont follow through enough. I know this is wrong. I know this is teaching youngest (okay, you figured out which child) that he can get away with things because Mommy doesn't always mean what she says but it's hard. It's hard being a Mom. I punish one the other gets the brunt. Do I really seriously care if he has an

Went for my yearly physical. Good news : They now do Pap Smears every 3 years. Bad news: Their scale proved that my home scale was 2lbs off. In the wrong direction . I now have 10 lbs to lose instead of 8. How depressing Good news : Saved 20 cents/gallon at Stop and Shop gas today. Bad news: It took me 25 minutes to get to a pump. All the cars were going in two different directions with an old lady directing traffic and yelling at everyone. Good news :This year is almost over Bad news: School vacation begins in two days with not very much planned to entertain my two, very much in need of structure, children. Good news: Am starting a medication that I will take daily which side effects may help me sleep. Bad news: Said medication is needed for the migraines I'm getting almost daily due to damned breast cancer drug. Good news : Am almost in completion of year one of aforementioned breast cancer drug Bad news: 4 years left.

I, for one, am happy 2010 is leaving us. It has been a crappy 365 days. Well, maybe not all of the 365 days were crappy but a good portion of them I keep thinking it cant keep getting worse but I'm a bit afraid to say it out loud. Although 2010 brought me some really rough days it also gave me some highs. My BIL got married (and I gained a great SIL) My two boys entered Elementary School (freeing up some of my tension filled days) My 5 months of post-op Physical Therapy are over with We managed in a couple of vacations (although lets remember that one of them was filled with constant rain so that may have to go with the crappy part) I was reminded, through some very trying times, that I have the most amazing and supportive friends. And who said I was a glass half empty kind of person? I can see the good (sometimes) I try to see the humor (unless my 5 year old is throwing his 100th tantrum of the day and then I only aim to see the bottom of a wine glass) I try to look on the bright

It was my Dad's unveiling last week. I thought I would be strong. I wasn't. The minute I walked up to his grave it was as if I was reliving his funeral all over again. We then went to visit Zachary's grave. Something I've done quite a few times. I cried. Something I've done quite a few times. I was brought back to the morning of his death. I remember their birth, and Zachary's death, quite vividly. I remember the Doctor telling me that Zachary's condition was "grave". I remember them wheeling me into the NICU after my c-section to see the boys and then wheeling me up to my room to get some rest. There was no rest. 7 hours after my oldest son was born there was a knock on my door. I screamed and cried and clutched onto dear husbands shirt. I did not want to tell the person on the other side to come in. It was 3AM and I knew what that knock meant. He entered anyways. He told me Zachary's lungs were just too underdeveloped. Im so sorry. He said. I

10 winters have passed 2 condos sold 2 houses bought 6 cycles of IVF 3 children born 1 child passed 4 cars bought 1 cat inherited to dear husband 1 fish survived 4 years and still going strong 10 birthdays shared as husband and wife 8 vacations traveled 1 panic attack on flight to above mentioned vacation 2 surgeries 1 boob gone cancer gone 10lbs lost, 10lbs gained, 5 lbs lost.. 2 children bringing us joy (and headaches) laughter (and tears) every single day losing my dad 3650 days of ups and downs, some heartaches and hard times, lots of laughter and love that I wouldn't trade a day of. Dear Husband, you are my happiness. Happy Anniversary

5 loads of laundry 4 trips to the supermarket 2 attempts at making frosting for cupcakes And.. one burnt oven (thanks to my brilliant self for leaving the "oven liner" in while self cleaning. After one hour of self cleaning and almost calling 911 due to inhaling noxious fumes I realized nothing was wrong with the oven only my stupidity. Result= burnt oven liner and coating of oven melted.) Call Mother to share story and of course she is afraid I will poison all of our 16 guests and makes me call the oven company. This after I googled "burnt oven liner while self cleaning" and learned I'm not the only moron to do this. Google assures me I wont die and can continue cooking with my now melted looking oven. I humor Mom and call Kenmore. "Name please" "Address please. And phone number" "Could you have purchased this oven under another phone number?" Well, yes I did because I bought this house a year and a half ago and the oven was includ

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I live for my Mom's stuffing and I happen to love my family so it's always been a good time of year for me. I took over "hosting" duties last year as it was getting to be a lot of work for my Mom. This year will be a difficult one as I wont have my Dad here. I picture him standing over the turkey, year after year, basting and carving. He used to name the birds before cooking. His favorite, Larry (as in Larry Bird for those of you who cant catch on quick enough to my Dad's humor) There will be one less person at the table this year and although 2010 was beyond crappy, I still have a lot to be thankful for. First and foremost, the obvious..my boys. All three (husband gets included) They are my happiness. Day in, Day out. In spite of any former posts of me wanting to walk out and leave them all on strangers doorsteps! I'm thankful for chocolate (another obvious) and the occasional glass of wine that always makes me wonder why

I'm going to start lobbying that stay at home Mom's start accumulating sick days. And vacation days Youngest has given me a run for my money lately (or really no money bc let's remember, I dont get paid for this gig) I never thought I'd be using words like fresh but here I am, sounding like my Mother and calling my five year old fresh. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck.. He's doing things like saying "I hate you", spitting (well making raspberries with his tongue) and tantruming. I thought I was through with the terrible two's and three's. No one warned me about the fabulous feisty fives. Oldest loves to be the good one during these times. He will often come up to me, looking for reassurance. "Am I being the good one today Mommy?". I dont like either of my kids to think they are not good so I often rephrase by saying he is being the better behaved one. Dear Husband will then come home from work and oldest will run to tell hi

Dear Younger Self: The cool kids wont always be cool. No one will ask you or care about your SAT scores in your adult life Sometimes your Mother really will be right. And even if she isn't, she will always be looking out for your best interest. Keep practicing piano Play a sport Dont believe every line a guy feeds you Dont believe any line a guy feeds you Study hard Someday your mother will be your best friend. I know things are really hard and stressful sometimes. I know sometimes you feel you need to be accepted and sometimes you dont feel so great about yourself. That will change. You have more strength and courage and sense than you realize. Your heart may feel broken now but you will love again. I promise. Your prince charming is not the football star or the musician. He is the one who treats you well and cares about your well being. He is the one who respects you. Remember that word. It's an important one. Things get better. And things get harder. Small kid= small problem

Signing my credit card receipt my 5 year old looks at me and tells me that my printing wasnt "my best effort. Two days prior he told me "sometimes Mommy you need to be a little patient with me" Who is this kid??

As I complain how I'd like to lose 10 lbs I'm thankful I'm at least not as homely as Sandra Oh. Sorry Sandra. It's the truth Am thankful I had the insight to get the flu shot on my opposite shoulder from where I'm recovering from surgery. I swear it hurts more this year than past. Am convinced my house is being scouted for some massive robbery attempt every time a car slows down on my street. I need to keep reminding myself that we live on a semi busy street near an intersection. Youngest comes out of school every day grumpy as heck to see me. However, he LOVES school. Guess he isn't happy to see me? I could watch Law and Order re-runs all day long. A matter of fact, now that the boys are in school full days, I AM watching Law and Order re-runs all day long. I love my girlfriends. I'm repeatedly being told that it takes a full year to recover from shoulder surgery yet I'm still complaining that at three months post-op I'm in pain. Physical Therapy is

Last week a student at Rutgers University killed himself after his friends showed a video of him that was humiliating to him and outing him as being gay. This is only one of the dozen suicides in the recent months. Kids are being bullied Everywhere I have to admit that of a parent of an extremely shy, developmentally delayed child, I am terrified of what this world has become. Kids.. KIDS Kids as young as 6 and 7 are bullying others. Over what they eat What they wear How they talk Kids are afraid to go on the bus afraid to walk to school afraid to dress differently There were bullies when I was growing up. I was teased by two, so called, friends who would gang up on me and make me feel horrible. I found my own niche of friends and it got better but to this day, I remember how it felt. Scary Lonely Sad I am heartsick over this bullying. I am positively terrified it will happen to one of, if not both of, my sons. As a mother, I can only do one thing. Educate Remind them over and over and

Mary, on DC Housewives has her closet locked so that her daughter cant get in and borrow her clothes. Only her fingerprint can open the door. I think she's on to something. I'm going to have dear husband's fingerprint open my pantry closet so that I dont sit and eat all day. Genius, no? Or I could learn some will power. First grade has a lot of homework. Youngest thinks he is the BMOC in Kindergarten. Opened his own restaurant in the classroom. Named it "SMOKY BONES". Serves burgers and smoothies. Such an entrepreneur. Disappointed in the season opening of GREY'S yet I will still watch dutifully every Thursday. Besides that one, there are very few shows I'm glued to these days. Although clearly watching DC Housewives. They're all fruit loops. Yet the closet idea... brilliant

I did my first Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5k on Saturday. Walked 3 miles. Chatted with my girlfriends Raised money for a worthy cause Felt great afterwards Changed sheets on 3 beds today and felt like I ran a marathon Something's not right.

REAL SIMPLE Magazine does a writing contest each year. This year's theme is I NEVER THOUGHT I'D... which naturally got me blogging on the subject. I never thought I'd be a Mom. Okay, that's not true. I always KNEW I would be a Mom but just wasn't sure how I would get here. I always wanted to be a Mom and my fears came true shortly after our honeymoon when I learned it didnt take a quick romp to get pregnant. Not for me anyways. For a long while, I never thought I'd be a Mom. I never thought I'd want to go back to work. I waited so long to leave work that I cant believe I even want to go back. I never really had a "Career" that I loved. I had jobs in the medical field and that was definitely a good fit for me but I still itched to get out. Do I really want to go back? Two kids in school I'm not sure my mind will be fulfilled after a few walks and trips to Target. It all sounds heavenly and I feel blessed I dont HAVE to work but a great part of

After 7 years the big day has finally arrived. TWO CHILDREN IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL Freedom consisting of longer than 2.5 hours Time to shower, walk, shop, run to the cleaners AND fit in a quiet lunch. LIFE IS GOOD! I paid my dues. Two kids; two years apart- my early days were busy. Add to that a child with multiple therapies and carting the newborn around I'm surprised I managed to not turn gray sooner (Oh wait. I did turn gray sooner. Thanks to a great hair dresser you may have not noticed) That said, I sent my two off to school this morning with a small amount of tears (me; not them) and then smiled as I drove off. Youngest has "shortened" hours for 2 weeks to get him adjusted to Kindergarten (which in my book is ridiculous. Two weeks? Really?) But after that, I will have six+ glorious hours to myself. It will be heavenly. For a while. But then at 245 I will then cram in any type of homework,soccer, speech thearpy, feeding therapy and occupational therapy. God help me if

3 more days until school starts. I can do this... In the past 12+ weeks of summer we have played over 20 + board games, watched 100 shows (not TV shows but shows performed by my two actor children), been to the beach, the zoo, Target, Bed Bath and Beyond, and the mall. Ate lunch out over 3 dozen times, consumed too many fried products to count, watched 50 episodes of Sponge Bob and Scooby Doo and have had at least 5 arguments/day. Why, you ask, am I counting down the hours until school starts? Because this Mother of the year can only take so many games of Uno and break up only a certain amount of fights before my patience runs thin. Okay, so patience ran thin June 29th but that's besides the point . I'm pretty confident we are one of the few towns left that HAVEN'T started school yet which means I'm one of the few Mother's left who is still ingesting Ativan. I've gained 3 lbs which I also like to blame on Summer time (did I mention the countless of lunches out?

Facebook keeps nagging me to "like" Children's Hospital Boston. I have a few mutual friends who are a "fan" of their facebook page so why not jump on the band wagon? I refuse. Sure, it's a place my son spent 3 months of his life. And yes, it has a few amazing doctors who I owe much gratitute too. But a fan? No. When oldest was in the NICU I wrote a letter to the president upon discharge. Topics like lack of communication were first on my list. Since then, they havent earned my respect back. Issues such as long waiting times, poor customer service and oh yea, the valet driving my car away as I was still unbuckeling youngest out of his car seat at the age of two. Yesterday was no different. Oldest was scheduled for a few minor procedures. The whole surgery should have been an hour and I expected to be home an hour after that. 12:15 arrival time for a 1:45 surgery. Do the math. 90 minutes of sit around and wait. I know the drill though. They want you there ea

I never thought parenthood would go something like this: "There is no hissing allowed. Next person who hisses gets a time out" "If you copy your brother one more time I will turn this car around and we will not go to the bath store" "Yes. You need to have two more bites of chicken and three more bites of carrot. No you cannot do one bite of carrot and one of chicken" "But mommy I'm full and I need to save room for my ice cream" "Shush" "Stop hitting your brother" "Stop pinching your brother" "Stop annoying your brother" "Stop touching your brother's things after he asked you not to" "Did you hear your brother just ask you not to touch his toy?" "Stop touching the toy" "Stop touching the toy"

Why is the first place I lose weight is in my boob(s) and the first place I gain is in my behind. 21 days until school starts. Not like I'm counting or anything Traveling when your kids are older is so much more enjoyable Youngest is starting to monitor my diet coke intake. I wish he would monitor my calorie intake I need to make more time to read. And to exercise. And to breathe when my kids are driving me insane I cant help but sing out loud when I hear songs from "Free to be you and Me" Mother's had way less to worry about when I was growing up. Kids didnt wear helmets, there were no nut free tables or constant random kidnappings. I'm tempted to bubble up my boys till they're 20 I cant wait till my kids are old enough to kill their own spiders

James Oseland, Editor in Chief of "Saveur" Magazine and occasional guest judge on my beloved TOP CHEF show, wrote an article on five foods he is ashamed to admit he loves. Got me thinking so, here are mine 1) Sunkist Orange Soda . It's so sweet it's almost disgusting but something about a bottle of orange soda brings me back to my childhood. Youngest also has a love of the stuff (although he's not as picky and doesn't know the difference between sunkist and crush. Trust me, I do!) 2) Fluff . Another food that brings me back to my elementary school days. Peanut Butter and Fluff sandwich (apparently people call these fluffernutters. My brother and I call them simply what they are. Peanut Butter and Fluff) My Mom would make these for me on sunbeam bread. Now I just like a spoonful right out of the jar. 3) McDonald's French Fries. Really, need I say more? I manage to sneak a few out of my sons happy meal without him looking. He isn't a great sharer. Fran

Oldest wanted a 1000 piece, police station, lego set for his birthday. Was happy for him to have it. Until I realized that it meant I would need to put together the 1000 piece lego set. For three consecutive days and a total of approximately 9 hours, I have sat on a hard wooden floor with two young boys asking when I will be done. Sure they helped If by help you mean handing me a piece and putting it on and then trying to put on the second piece and having the structure fall. Yes, then; they helped . Sadly, every 20-30 minutes I would need to take a break. Not a mental break; but a physical one. I would need to stretch. 42 and I could barely pick myself up off the floor. Shoulder still recovering from surgery, two degenerative discs in my back and the sound of my right knee cracking. 42 going on 72. Yet, project is complete and if I do say so, I deserve a huge pat on the back. I did well! 1000 piece lego set not only comes with the process of building but with the process of RE-BUILDI

I had been at Brigham and Women's hospital for 6 weeks. Inpatient. Lying in bed; leaking amniotic fluid daily Holding out for a miracle that my two boys would survive. Dr High Risk asked me if I wanted to hold on if only one would survive. My answer was simple. Yes. And so I did. And I tell this story so many times because I feel as if it was only yesterday that Zachary Jonathan Stern entered the world at 8:14PM; not uttering a sound. I knew his condition was serious and that he would not survive. Jared Matthew; 2lbs; 9oz came out shrieking. He was a fighter from the start; extubating himself from the ventilator tubing three times before even entering the NICU. I was told the stubborn ones survive. And so, I celebrate my second born son's seventh birthday with many, many mixed emotions. Each year, I cry a few tears for the loss of his twin. I then get enveloped in a hug or lost in his toothless smile and thank god for the miracle that I have. Despite all odds (seriously, all o

5 years ago, youngest was brought into the world. And I cried. 1 year ago, I came home from the hospital, recovering from my mastectomy. And I cried 5 years ago, my boobs hurt, I was pumped up on percocet and it hurt to get out of bed. 1 year ago- DITTO 5 years ago, I sat and stared at my two boys, thinking how lucky I was to have them in my life. 1 year ago, I sat and stared at my two boys thinking how lucky I was to have a life.

Summer is a significant season in my life. July, 1999 I went on my first date with Dear Husband. Memorial Day wkend thru August 7th, 2003 I was hospitalized while pregnant with my twin boys. July 29th, 2005 I gave birth to youngest June 8th, 2009 I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. July 28,2009 I had a mastectomy. So the fact that I'm rehabbing from shoulder surgery doesn't make summertime my favorite season, that's for sure. It makes me think that last year, at this exact time, I was waiting to cut of my boob. That's pretty much how I looked at it. Cut it out. Get the cancer out of me totally and completely and hopefully, let's not look back. And other than a few surgeries afterwards, some itchy scars and needing physical therapy and surgery for the same sided shoulder- I haven't. Looked back. Until now. Because it's a year. A whole year and I feel like I can officially call myself a survivor. A whole year and it means I need to go back for my yearly mammo

It's been an official heatwave in Boston this wkend. Three consecutive days of 90+ degree weather. I spent it with my arm in a splint. Do you know how sweaty your arm can get while lying on a beach in a sling? Day one Heatwave was spent at Nantasket Beach. Dear Husband asked if I wanted an umbrella packed. No need, I said. I'll bask in the rays from the comfort of my beach chair. How hot could it be at the beach? Apparently it's been a long time since I've been at the beach because it can get pretty damned hot. And did I mention the sling? The boys played on their boogie boards in the water while I people watched. Let's discuss Dear Idiotic Man who thinks it's cool to wear socks and hiking boots on the beach. You look like a moron. So did your tight jean smoking girlfriend in her too small bikini. Hippie man behind me calling his friend from his cell saying to friend "here is some peace for you. Listen to the waves. Sending you good vibes brother" Bik

I ran into a new mom today. She was glowing. She talked about how she loves to wake up in the middle of the night with the baby because she has been waiting for this her whole life. Ahh yes. The new mom feeling. I remember that new found love. When you would just stare at your child in awe that he was actually yours. I lost that glow. I didnt want to burst her bubble because after all... I still stare at mine. In awe. But only because I'm in shock of what just came out of his mouth. Or the fact that he is tantruming in the middle of Target. Or because he just hit his brother. Or is taking two hours to eat a meal. Or is whining. We all need to be reminded of that glowing time in our lives. The time where parenthood was magical and happy... all the time happy. The time when we didn't yell so much The time when spit up on the third outfit of the day was our biggest problem. I love my boys unconditionally And of course, more than anything else in this entire world. Yet I don't

One week post-op from shoulder surgery and have to tell you, I'm not having fun. The R+R joy wares off really quickly. I cant sleep, find the sling annoying to wear and being doped up on pain meds only caused me nausea and vomiting. What I thought was scar tissue turned out to be just that with a large amount of bursitis and a full rotator cuff tear. I at least feel justified why I had shoulder pain for so long. Rehab/PT is 8-12wks. Did I mention I'm only on week one and sleeping sucks? I also found out I moved to the wild. Last March, I moved a mile from our old house, same town, yet am surrounded by wild life. In our yard we have: A fox, a groundhog (I kid you not, a groundhog. Okay maybe it's a beaver but we think groundhog) Rabbits. Huge black birds that look like crows, and 101 chipmunks. In the Winter months we also have Deer and Wild Turkey. I'm tired of Law and Order repeats and Regis, who I once adored, now annoys me. The guy needs to retire. Boys are in summ

There's a reason that backwards, stressed spells dessert My scale can backup that reason I find myself thoroughly enjoying the Bethenny spinoff of Real Housewives of NYC Looking forward to post-op pain meds Am always amazed I have a kid who doesn't enjoy eating Am not amazed I have another kid who could eat sweets every two hours Realized I really love the fact that someone comes in to clean my house every 2-3 weeks. I hate scrubbing showers Laughed out loud, more than once, during Toy Story 3 I have amazing friends

Spent last August recovering from mastectomy Spending this July recovering from shoulder surgery which is needed because of mastectomy Apparently I formed scar tissue from surgery. Of course I did . Why should I sail through anything? I pretty much predicted this because I had arm and shoulder pain for months after surgery. Which I knew, wasn't that common. So I got a cortisone shot. And life was good. For a while. Then I ran into a tree branch (look back to post in April to review said tree branch incident) And my shoulder looked like something out of a horror movie. And wonderful orthopedist (seriously wonderful) wont give me a cortisone shot now because of horror movie looking shoulder. So were onto surgery. Because I've had pain for a year. And scar tissue caused bursitis and frozen shoulder. And PT is doing me no good. So, surgery. Not a big deal really. Arthroscopic and should be walking around the next day (although I begged him to send me to a tropical island for a nee

So if you could go back in time, would you? In many cases.. I would. A time when life was easier less problems less worries.. This past weekend I got to go back in time. To one of my favorite childhood (and adult) places Camp. 12 summers were spent at camp, in a small town; Hampstead NH. 1977-1989 (minus 1986 where I was too in love with my HS boyfriend to leave him for camp) It was our reunion and we got to spend the day there. Bunks seemed much smaller, as did the whole camp. I ran into people I hadn't seen in 20+ yrs, Some I reconnected with on facebook Some I've remained close with. Whoever it was, the day was perfect. It's hard to explain if you don't get the "camp" thing. I have many friends, including my own dear husband, who didn't have this experience so I understand it all seems a bit weird. But there's just something special about the camp connection. And not just for me For most who were there this past Saturday We all said the same thin

does not make us stronger it makes us in need of a stiff drink and a long nap or in need of an hour long cry it makes us want to curl up in the fetal position for hours on end sometimes or isolate ourselves from the rest of the world. It makes us want to stay in bed It makes us want to not talk or talk till our heart cant take it anymore. But let me tell you, it does not make us stronger. I know this because there is so much crap that I've dealt with in my adult life that there are times I've done one or all of the above at a single time. Am I strong? I never thought I was. But maybe I am. Because I've survived a lot of crap And here I am Breathing, living, blogging... But am I stronger because of it all? Because of all the crap that "didn't kill me"? Not so sure. I know my marriage is stronger I know I see things much differently than I did before losing my infant son I appreciate more than I did before Breast Cancer I appreciate the time I had with my Dad; a

As my first Father's Day approaches without my Dad, I'm feeling a bit down. The weeks since his death have been busy with a trip to Disney and end of school year activiites for the boys. Time has wound down though and Father's Day is Sunday. I will be spending the wkend with BFF who is flying in for our summer camp reunion. I will be reminiscing and strolling down memory lane with many good friends the Saturday prior. But Sunday Father's Day It's going to be tough. Usually we had a bbq. Dear husband grilled dinner and my parents came over to hang out with the boys. Always low keyed. This year we will do the same. But my dad's presence will be missed. I also celebrate dear husband. Father of my boys The one who lets me sleep whenever I want, takes the kids to the park so I can get some alone time, helps with things like cleaning the dishes (without being asked), makes my kids laugh, loves unconditionally. So I celebrate Father's Day this year with a very heav

I swear I haven't had a good night sleep since the year 2000 My baby graduated from pre-school today. I was more emotional than I expected to be Oldest needs a second set of ear tubes. Youngest had two sets, why shouldn't he? Are there seriously kids who haven't gone under anaesthesia by the age of 5? I cant comprehend that world I miss my Sundays that consisted of nap time and Lifetime movies I dont know how I survived before my iphone I try to branch out but I'm still a lover of 80's music Cupcakes solve all problems

1) You eat a handful of teddy grahams and half a piece of string cheese for lunch (with a diet coke of course) 2) You're talking to your adult friends about pooping in toilets 3)You're telling other people's kids to use "inside voices" 4)You're yelling at the cat 5) You resort to Sponge Bob as an alternate babysitter 6) You're perfume scent is scrubbing bubbles (lemon) 7)You're dreading summer vacation 8)You find that going to the market, alone, is actually an enjoyable outing 9)You run out the door the second your husband gets home from work- only to go to previously mentioned market 10) You're in bed, asleep by 9PM

2009 "Hi Abby. Are the kids in bed? Is your husband there with you? Do you have time to talk?" It was my doctor. Calling with the news. "Its Breast Cancer but I want you to listen to me, you'll be fine. You're going to be fine" I dont remember much after that. I cried for a while. She kept talking to explain things to me. Threw out terms like DCIS, breastcancer.org, possible mastectomy. Then I went to throw up. I called my parents. My Dad cried. My Mom; strong as usual, told me I'd be okay. And I was. And I am. It's behind me. Or as someone said to me, is it ever really behind you?

In two weeks youngest graduates preschool. Although I do find it totally surreal that I have two kids old enough to be in Elementary school I'm not really sad about him leaving preschool. I'm sad about ME leaving preschool. For the past two years (four if you include oldest being there) I have been in a comfortable little bubble. I know most of the moms (and some Dad's) from seeing them at pick up and drop off. We swap quick weekend stories, a funny blurb about how we cant believe what our child did the other day and exchange an occasional shopping tip or recipe. We arrive at 845AM in baseball hats and work out clothes; knowing we will not be judged by our unshowered look. We vow to catch up at pick up. The past year (plus) I look forward to my pick up time. I arrive minutes early (especially in the Spring) so I can sun outside and catch up on girl talk with a few close friends. Our boys brought us together but the friendship--that was our doing! We each agree that the sec

How I know I'm getting old: Watched Justin Bieber on the TODAY SHOW this morning. Kid is 16 Looks 10 Gotta give props to Kate Gosselin who looks pretty damned good for going through a divorce and birthing 8 children. Youngest asked me to play Disney Monopoly with him. Why does one game of Monopoly take over two hours to play? Thankfully Mommy has a crappy back and cant sit on the floor longer than 30 minutes without needing a good stretch. My Friday nights used to consist of going out at 10PM with my college roommates. It now consists of me curling up with PEOPLE magazine and falling asleep in the middle of a CSI repeat. PT for my shoulder has brought out more aches and pains in my neck, other shoulder and back. 42 so far has brought me: worsening eyesight sore muscles earlier bedtimes me saying "oy" a lot and 5 lbs that I still cannot shed. Whoever said 40 is the new 30 hasn't met my body

I needed to find oldest's "yearbook" from last year. I knew where it was. In the basement. In THE BOX. The box is filled with oldest's and youngest's stuff. Baby clothes Emails from when I was pregnant in the hospital Emails updating friends on oldest's medical status Art Projects Birthday Cards Zachary's baby blanket I knew that reaching into the box would stir up many memories. I was prepared. Or so I thought. I ran my fingers over Zachary's baby blanket that was provided to him by the NICU. I smelled it; trying to breathe in a scent even though I knew there wouldn't be one. I came across my oldest's first birthday book. It was filled with letters from family, friends, dear husband and myself. There were notes from his old NICU nurses calling him a miracle. (Which of course he is.) Youngest's book; albeit less filled, also had letters. I commented about his independence and his desire to be the center of attention. Funny how nothing has

For those following the pooping saga you will be elated to know that we have had success!! My four year old finally pooped on a toilet before he entered Kindergarten. Before he turned five. Before I drank an entire bottle of wine and a pint of ben and jerry's in one sitting. SUCCESS! I made a huge stink (sorry, couldn't resist the pun) Did a happy dance Ran out to buy him a toy Called the grandparents Emailed the poopy doctor (told us to take us off the wait list for toileting school) Called Dear Husband Youngest was proud of himself but naturally, there were rules around his success. Rule #1- He would not discuss it with anyone. Grandparents would know but I had to tell them. He did not want to hear them yelling "yay" Rule #2) He would poop in the toilet only if I was outside of the bathroom. The door must be closed and I couldn't even take a peak. Rule #3) I could not throw away the potty seat that goes onto the toilet because he fell in once and isn't sure

Oldest had teacher extraordinaire for two years of Kindergarten. He started K at the age of 5 because he was being placed into a language based program to help with his delays. He repeated K at the age of 6 because, frankly, he wasn't ready for first grade. It's been a blessing. Oldest is going into First Grade in the Fall. Youngest is starting K. With teacher extraordinaire. This will be MY third year, IN A ROW, as a K mom. Why sound so upset about this? K is fun. It's a time of so of many firsts. It's a time of exploration and learning. It's a time for making new friends, learning independence and responsibility, eating lunch in a cafeteria, having "specials" during the week like Art and Music. Repeating Kindergarten for the third time also means: Weekly show and tells. Each month is a theme. For the a combined nine Monday's in the month of May I've needed to help oldest find things to bring in that relate to "What Iv'e learned/love abo

I think I've discussed this before but I realize I worry way less about youngest than I do about oldest. Youngest isn't reading, gets easily frustrated when he cant do a task well, is clumsy, still sucks his thumb and doesn't poop in a toilet. He turns 5 in July. I realize, if this was oldest, I would be freaking out. I'm sure I would have met with a therapist by now regarding the above issues and would be obsessing over the fact that these things were occurring in his life. But I haven't met with a therapist for youngest and besides the pooping thing, really haven't given any of it a second thought. Until now. Because I'm blogging so therefore; I think. That's how blogging works. You think. Then you write. Hence-- a blog But I digress. Point being. I'm not worried that youngest is clumsy or not reading or gets frustrated easily. Why aren't I worried? Because really, as much as I worry about things (and believe me, I worry about A LOT ) mother

Summertime, Summertime, Sum Sum Summertime There. Now you have it in your head all day too. I've changed clothes three times today. It was cool this morning, warm an hour later and sweltering by the time I picked up youngest from lunch bunch. Let's hope my two lb weight gain over the wkend is from being bloated with a little PMS and not because of the dream I had last night that I was 3 months pregnant. With my third boy!! Think the next title for my book is going to be Wife becomes addicted to Ambien because of snorer husband. I fall asleep fine. I just dont stay asleep. I blame a good portion of this problem on dear husband who I kick every 45 minutes because he is facing the wrong way- making him snore louder than I would like. Surely I will need rehab to get off of this stuff. And Tums. I'm thinking popping them like tic tacs cant be a good thing. PT so far is not helping my shoulder. A matter of fact; she did such a deep massage to get rid of my "tightness" t

I've been tagged again or emailed a chain letter or however this got into my head again but I'm game. 25 things you dont know about me (or maybe you do) 1)I dont drink, or ever have, had a cup of hot coffee 2) I have a slight scoliosis and a few degenerating discs in my back that cause me many achey days 3) There is many a day I wish I could relive my childhood (Childhood. Not teenage-hood) 4) My favorite candy bar is a plain ol' hershey bar (with a 100,000 grand a close second) 5)I'm still addicted to Grey's Anatomy no matter how bad the critics say it's gotten 6) I'm 42 and still a parrothead 7)I love to take bubble baths 8) I have become even more of a worrier since I had kids 9)I've watched When Harry Met Sally at least 20 times 10) Raw cookie dough is better than cooked 11)I'm not sure how I survived before email 12) I'm compulsive 13) I've kept a journal since I was 15 (probably started younger than that but I dont

For those following the poopy diaries- we have progress. Youngest has now sat- ON A TOILET- and pooped! Okay, let me add that he is wearing a pull up while doing this but did you hear me? SITTING ON A TOILET? A huge step. Maybe we can avoid toileting school after all. I'm in post vacation blues mode. It was so nice being away. I forgot about real life issues for a whole 6 days. Then I came home. And cried while driving home from a Physical Therapy appointment. Not because I was in physical pain (although I do need PT twice/wk for darned shoulder and arm problems. One stemming from post mastectomy issues so yea, that kind of sucks) but I cried because I miss my Dad. It's been so busy the past few weeks that I haven't really had time to miss him. If that makes any sense. Busy with the boys. Busy packing. Busy in Disney. But now my busy-ness is over and I have time now. Time to be sad. Time to cry. Time to miss him. It's still very surreal to me even though it has been ove

(My own version of "wearing the corsage") To my sons : Ask her out. The worst she will say is no and I promise you; you will get over it; some day. Call her after your date. Don't listen to "the rules" about waiting the right amount of time. If you had a great time-let her know. But don't call all the time. It's annoying. Do your own laundry. Clean your dishes. Make your bed. Never be mean. If you are- always say you're sorry. Put the toilet seat down when you're done. And aim. I hope your brother will always be your best friend. Play nicely. Never tease anyone if they look or act differently then you do. You look different to them. Pay on the first date. And the second and third. Offer a bite of your dessert. Be respectful to your date's parents. Do not EVER EVER EVER get behind the wheel if you have been drinking. Do not wear socks with sandals Wearing a tie will always make you look even more handsome Cursing is unbecoming Smoking makes y

Just came home from a five night, six day trip to Disney World with two children who I'm not sure I knew. Behaved Loving Stayed up past 7PM without getting cranky Played well with each other Managed a 2.5 hour flight without whining, yelling or tantrums Hugged each other incessantly Played in the pool together...nicely Yes, it was an enjoyable family vacation. Really only our second (and the first was a trip to Vail when they were 1 and 3 so not sure that really counts) I have to say..I'd do it again. It was that enjoyable. I even saw the space shuttle take off (albeit from the magic kingdom but I saw it) A bit too many chicken nuggets and fries for my taste. One too many sodas Seeing my boys light up every time they saw Donald Duck; priceless. Time to look into the Disney Cruise?!

Mother's Day is my second favorite holiday (coming in after Thanksgiving because nothing beats a day that consists of a turkey coma and my Mother's stuffing) Mother's Day is right up there at the top because I went through hell and back to get here. Motherhood was not easy for me to attain. Countless injections, ultrasounds, and many hormones got pumped into my body for over two years. Then of course I had the pregnancy from hell, stayed in a hospital for months on end and had a tragic outcome after the birth of my twin boys. I think it is because of all that which is why I appreciate the day. The day that reminds me how blessed I am to have two amazing children in my life. Two boys who are the combination of dear husband and me. Two boys who have grown up so quickly yet I remember rocking them in my arms as if it were yesterday. Today, I also celebrate my own Mother. The woman who I used to yell at and slam doors at while screaming "you just don't understand"

Let's just say, I'm thankful my kids go to public school as youngest would have failed his interview process this morning. Today was "Kindergarten visit day" Today is three days before our trip to Disney Today oldest has an ear infection and running a 102 fever. Happy Birthday Week to me Youngest appeared excited to visit K until I picked him up from preschool and he demanded he was hungry. Of course, I asked him ten times before we left if he wanted a snack prior to going. Oh no Mommy.I can wait till afterwards. Apparently he couldn't After telling him I had no snack he pouted the entire hour we visited school. Pouting along with being rude, fresh and tantrums do not make a great first impression. Thankfully this was their third of fourth impression as oldest is in the same class and everyone has met my charming almost 5 year old on several other occasions. "Do you want to play with blocks? The kitchen area? See the chicks? Play candyland?" No No No and

It's almost that time again. Six months are passing me by Time to recheck the boobs. Or boob- as the case may be. My mammogram isn't until July but I'm already getting panic stricken. I'm getting these twinge like feelings in HB (healthy boob) which is what happened to me pre-cancer. Twinges. I was convinced I had Breast Cancer. And I was right. Granted I've been known to over react. I get migraines and tell dear husband I'm dying of an aneurysm. I know I'm not. But twinges... just gave me a feeling. Do I think I have breast cancer in HB? No. But I panic anyways. Because that's what I do best. And I have reason to panic. Sitting here reading a blog of a guy who wrote a book called The Council of Dads hasn't helped my panic mood much. This is a husband of someone I went to HS with who just battled Osteosarcoma (bone cancer) He blogs about his battle and the book; from what I have gathered, is about a group of men he asked to help with his children- be

Mommy's conversation with youngest "Are you so excited to be going into Kindergarten in September?" "Yes; but Mommy, I dont know what math is" "Math is doing stuff with numbers. Like when you add things or take them away" "Like if I have balls and then add a ball?" "Right. So if you have 4 balls and we take one away, how many are left? "Three balls" "Great job honey. That's right!" "Mommy. I know Math!!"

Why is it that I think that the next time I eat McDonalds I WONT feel sick afterwards? Got french fries for lunch~ no sandwich. After all, I'm dieting. So how many calories can an order of French Fries be? Don't ask. And even just the fries make you feel sick. I officially ban McDonalds from passing through these lips again. Seriously, what was I thinking? This is what I get for letting youngest eat there. I'm never going to lose my remaining 5lbs if I keep this up. Not to be tangential but.. Why do I need to put my dryer on for two cycles no matter how much laundry I have in there? 10 days till Disney. Have managed to still keep it a secret from the boys yet I'm so anal that it's making my skin itch that I can't start packing. But I have my lists made. Of course. You're lucky you only read this blog. Poor Dear Husband is going to have to listen to me complain all day about aforementioned McD disaster.

I'm attending Kindergarten Parent Night next week. Not for my current Kindergartner but for my future one. Youngest enters K in the Fall. Oldest goes into First Grade. I'm really finding it hard to believe that in a few short months I will have two children in Elementary School. It's true when they tell you "The days are long but the years are short" Yes. My days are long. I spend them driving youngest to preschool, coming home to shower and spend my remaining free hour doing things like laundry, trips to the market, cleaners, CVS or random medical appointment. I then rush to pick youngest up from preschool, feed him, entertain him (because lets remember youngest isn't my independent play child), attempt to still get him in for a nap (time is running out. He asks me daily when he can stop napping and I told him when he is five. 3 more months until I need to entertain for longer than 2 hours), await for oldest to get dropped off by the bus, spend 20 minutes coe

Jeremy's preschool teacher passed away last week. She was also Jared's teacher. And a teacher to hundreds of other children over the past 13 years who are all the better now for knowing her. Kathy had Cancer. For many years. I cannot remember how it started (although she had told me) but it metastasized. She was in and out of remission for a long time. Last summer I had a mastectomy. When I saw Kathy a few weeks later she greeted me with a huge hug. "How are you?" She asked me. So sincerely. We discussed Cancer. We discussed my boys and how they were handling things. We discussed motherhood. Kathy was probably 90 lbs soaking wet yet she was a woman filled with bounds of energy. And life. When I was waiving weather to send Jared to Kindergarten or to continue at the preschool; she was the one who told me "he's ready" "He will be fine" I went to her wake last week. My first wake actually (and was thankful it wasnt open casket) There lined up was

Youngest is walking around the house with a crown on his head; calling himself "King Jeremy" and speaking in third person. Oldest is cracking up until the King started bossing him around. 3 weeks until our first Disney trip. The boys still dont know and vacation could not have come at a better time for me. Too bad I get sick on the merry go round. Day 3 of school vacation week. Or as my friend views it, only two more days to go. Having a yard sale Saturday AM to rid half of my basement. How does one accumulate so much junk? Grandma bought the kids an early birthday gift. The WII. Great entertainment and was hoping it would entertain the kids for hours. Youngest of course needs constant attention and demands that I sit with him and watch him play. What's the purpose of putting your child in front of video games if you cant leave the room?

I haven't seen my boys practically all week due to sitting shiva at my Mom's house. The week seemed like a blur; each day rolling into the next. I missed the kids and was ready for my routine to begin once again. Until it actually begun. After cramming in lost family time at the Museum of Science I, soon thereafter, started losing patience. You know the drill- youngest refusing to poop; oldest taking 45 minutes to eat 1/2 a bowl of pasta. Okay, lets try to look at the positives. I admit I'm a glass half empty kind of girl so lets try to see the good side of things. Youngest not pooping in a toilet and almost five years old. Okay- at least he pees in a toilet. Small bright side. Oldest eating like a snail. At least he is (semi) now eating. Yea, doesn't give me much consolation I gotta tell you. I realize my patience fuse is shorter than usual these days. Dear Husband said they were really well behaved in my "absence" this week. Not shocking. They are always bet

If we're being honest.. I've had a really crappy 12 months. Breast Cancer and the loss of my Dad all under a year. It's no wonder Ativan and Ambien have become my two new bff's. I also missed my brother in laws wedding this wkend I sat in my house Saturday night; alone. Dear husband was at the wedding and I was uncontrollably sobbing. Over the loss of my dad, over the fact that I was missing the wedding. Over my emotional difficult year. Life has dealt me some really tough cards but I try to live how my Dad taught me to live. He was a big believer in fate and that everything happens for a reason. I try to believe that. I really do. Yet I'm not sure why I'm getting smacked upon. Zachary is now buried in the same memorial park as my Dad. I find comfort in that. Funeral was yesterday and we are sitting shiva all week. I'm on auto pilot and am pretty sure none of this has sunk in yet. After all, I was just talking to my Dad the other day. How can he be gone? I

My dad loved to tell stories. He was a kibbitzer. He would talk to friends and family about his days in the navy, his business, his family Stories were not saved for just people he knew. On the contrary. When traveling he would talk to the taxi drivers about the local weather and discuss with them the best way to get to his destination. He would kid waiters in restaurants about the correct pronunciation of scallops or scollops. When talking to nurses in the hospital, he would always ask where they were from. My dad loved people. He spent 60 yrs building his fathers business into a successful company called Chelsea Bottle Company. It was there where he would spend his days talking with customers and suppliers. He loved what he did and my Dad met so many dear friends through his work. I would joke with him that if his customers asked to see pictures of his loved ones, that he would pull out his wallet and there, would be a picture of his Mercedes. He loved his car. Im not sure what sadde

I am a communicator by nature. I have the need to express myself. I find it cathartic. But today, on this gray dreary morning, I find myself staring at a blank computer screen, fingers in the curled position- ready to type- but unable to move. It sums up my last 48 hours. Somehow going through the motions But not feeling myself moving. I have lost my Father. Physically anyways. He passed away Wednesday night, an hour after I kissed him goodbye, said I loved him and would talk to him tomorrow. My dad had been sick for quite some time. He had heart surgery four years ago and really never bounced back. His doctor had forewarned us that the end was near. My Dad wanted to come home. My Mom lined up hospice and it was decided he would come home Wednesday AM. The oxygen tank and hospital bed were delivered. Nurses and aides were lined up so that my mother could have some support and relief. My brother flew in to visit him. His last day on Earth was spent with his family. In his home. I have g

I'm so tired of Kate Gosselin being a top headline in the news. I have no patience for snobbish people who think they are better than everyone else I have a migraine that wont quit- literally I'm sure it is stress related I am the queen of multi tasking if I do say so myself I think I'm going to take up gardening, I hear it's therapeutic I'm breaking out with acne bringing memories back to my propa PH and noxema days The smell of Noxema brings back summer I wish my life was as easy as it was when I was 10 My father is dying...for someone who expresses herself somewhat easily through the written word, I dont know how to begin to write about this

Two days after being diagnosed with Breast Cancer, my identity was stolen. I never wrote about it because, well, frankly, I was bombarded with cancer crap. I saw a piece on a show on identity theft recently and it brought back emotions. Mostly anger. At myself and at the stupid person who thought she could be Abby Stern and take out 10k from my savings account while she was in Universal City, California..without me noticing. Thankfully dear husband is a smart cookie and puts out alerts on our accounts. If we withdraw over a certain amount, our bank notifies us, by email. We so happened to be on email at 9PM that night when we saw said notification. After hours on the phone with the bank, verifying I was indeed who I said I was, we put a hold on our accounts and spent the better part of the next morning opening new ones in a local branch. A huge pain in my behind, to say the least. Later that day I got a call from my bank asking if I was in California. I looked around at m