eatthefrostingfirst

All I could think about when they told me I had a "mapping" appointment was the little map from Dora the Explorer.  I wish mapping was that "simple". Apparently mapping means mapping out your body- finding the exact points where they are going to beam radiation into your body. They don't want to over-radiate you so they give you tiny pin point tattoos (I have 7) so the beams find the tattoos. Genius I suppose. I walked into my mapping appointment and was immediately shown the changing room.  You know the one women- similar to your mammogram waiting rooms. Everything off from the waist up- tie a gown around you that is 6x your size, put your belongings into the tiny locker and grab the key with the bungee cord that fits around your wrist, go into waiting room with other cancer patients and sit without talking to anyone. Pretend you are reading the latest article from People but really you are sitting thinking "cancer sucks. cancer really sucks".

Yes I am happy chemo is over. Am I enjoying the happiness? Nope. I'm a planner. I'm a future person. I have such a hard time living in the now that it's just unfathomable to me that I can sit and enjoy this moment without not worrying about 1000 other things. DH and I said goodnight the other night and both rolled over. I hadn't even moved onto my list of 5 things I needed to analyze before he was snoring away. I kicked him and moved onto list number one. Is the alarm on and was I sure I shut the garage door? Kick. What will we do for dinners this week? I'm out Tuesday night. Youngest has a band concert.. Kick. Snore. Shoot did I write down I needed diet coke? I'm antsy. My legs are restless and I cannot wait til these $%# stomach issues go away. I just want to lose 20 lbs.  I'll be thrilled with 10. I'll take 5. Kick. I can't even worry in peace. Bring body pillow and regular pillow into the guest room because there is no way I can

If I'm being honest I have mixed feelings about being done with chemo. Of course I'm happy that a box is checked but as previously mentioned- I'm not dancing around my house just yet. There's too much still in front of me and in a way this step being completed just seems like I still have a half marathon to go.  I know- glass half empty.  The good side is my hair will at some point start growing back which is great bc I'm getting headaches from wearing something on my head all the time but on the anxiety side (which I'm queen of) I'm afraid it's going to grow back like a gray poodle and people may start calling me "Fifi". If I'm being honest,please don't think I'm so strong. You all would be doing the same thing (because  I gotta tell you - there's really very little choice) and I may appear strong but believe me I have so many meltdowns. I'm quite hard on myself and looking in a mirror is tough. The physicals scars vs

New study this week shows speech delay is linked to kids screen time. I am so tired of these studies. I have moaned before and will continue to moan (because I am so good at it). If I followed every study and piece of parenting advice I ever got I would be on heavier meds than I already am! Make sure you breast feed. If you don't your kids will develop all kinds of allergies and be messed up for life. Make sure your kid eats organic. No nuts before the age of two. Nope, sorry, we corrected that study- give nuts at the age of one. No TV before the age of three. (Poor Big Bird and Elmo. Who is their audience?) Start potty training early. But don't push the potty training. Wait til they show signs of being ready. Now of course screen time makes you have a speech delayed child. If I wanted a good laugh I would tell you that I do have allergy children (I pumped for six months with oldest because he was in the NICU. He still got breast milk). Because he was in the NICU

I am turning 49. Which means I am almost 50. I really don't feel that old. I have dark circles under my eyes but I'm pretty sure those have been there a while. I'm in menopause but I blame surgery which got me here. I'm not too, too wrinkled yet. And I'm gray but you know, when you pay the money that's all forgotten. So almost 50. This is what I've learned... Health is all that matters in life. Truly all that matters. And happiness. Hearing "you've got cancer" will make you vomit. So may seeing your child go under anesthesia- no matter how many times you watch it. Heels are not your friend. They cause back issues. I say "oy" or "ugh" almost daily. Everything creeks, snaps or cracks at some point. Be honest; but not hurtful. Choose your friends wisely. Clean house. And I don't mean it literally. (See above) Speak up. Your opinion matters. Hug your loved ones. Say I love you to those who matter. One d

Brenda Walsh has cancer. She has blogged and documented it very openly for the past two years. Although Brenda was not my favorite character it's the one time I could relate to ANYTHING a character in 90210 was going through. Don't know Brenda Walsh? You are either too young to be reading my blog or never watched an episode of 90210 which is something I can't really get into with you because I still watch reruns. (It's true. Some channel called POP has reruns. AND Dawsons Creek! Joey before she was Suri's Mom! ) Ok, so Brenda is now in remission. (Yes, I realize Brenda is not real and Shannen Doherty is and yes I realize she is the one with cancer but she will always be Brenda to me so let's just go with it). Again, not a fan but admire her "coming out". I admire her putting her vanity aside and posting pictures of herself at chemo, shaving her head, looking her worst. It's not easy and I totally get this. I also get why she does it. She is he