Yes I am happy chemo is over.
Am I enjoying the happiness?
Nope.
I'm a planner.
I'm a future person.
I have such a hard time living in the now that it's just unfathomable to me that I can sit and enjoy this moment without not worrying about 1000 other things.
DH and I said goodnight the other night and both rolled over.
I hadn't even moved onto my list of 5 things I needed to analyze before he was snoring away.
I kicked him and moved onto list number one.
Is the alarm on and was I sure I shut the garage door?
Kick.
What will we do for dinners this week? I'm out Tuesday night. Youngest has a band concert..
Kick. Snore.
Shoot did I write down I needed diet coke? I'm antsy. My legs are restless and I cannot wait til these $%# stomach issues go away. I just want to lose 20 lbs. I'll be thrilled with 10. I'll take 5.
Kick. I can't even worry in peace. Bring body pillow and regular pillow into the guest room because there is no way I can sleep in my room when I can't hear myself think. It's hot in the guest room even though the AC is already on in the house. Toss. Turn. Flip pillow to cold side. Drink water. Pee. Drink more water. Think about how your scalp is itchy. Think about how you are so tired you can't even imagine ever feeling normal again and that you really kind of want to wake up when it's all over. But you don't want summer to pass you by. But you're working at camp this summer and although it will be great to be distracted you kind of just want to put your toes into the sand in Maine (where you are obsessed about buying a second home but you can't until your kids go to college and you downsize) so yea, toes in sand..for 2 months- in between Herceptin appointments and 6 weeks of radiation.
Flip pillow. Kick one leg over the blanket.
Breathe in. And out. Can't get "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" out of your head. (Feel free to sing along)
Herceptin will be nothing. 9 more months is not nothing. You hear radiation is a cake walk (in comparison). You're pretty sure nothing about cancer is a cake walk. Radiation being 3 minutes each day is still a pain in the ass as far as I'm concerned and it's still taking hours out of my day for 30 days and it still means you have cancer.
Being Debbie Downer when you're healthy is even worse when you're sick.
No one says anything that makes me feel better. No one says anything right. Everything irritates me. It is giant PMS on steroids. I bite DH's head off every time he tells me I will start to feel better soon. If my Mother tells me one more time I will be okay I may lose it. It's not them. It's me. It's totally me. Of course it's me because I cannot believe I actually have cancer. Again.
So did I tell you I think I'm psychic? My freshman year in college I dreamt my HS boyfriend was dating a girl named L and sure enough, he was. I dreamt my SAT math score (Which sucked and thankfully I never have to discuss my SAT's with anyone ever ever again). I dreamt a few other nutty things but I dreamt I was going to get breast cancer the first time around (more like a premonition). And this time..again.
Bottom line you don't want me dreaming anything about you. Unless it's in the form of winning the lottery and in that case, will you buy me my Maine house?
So see. This is how I think. Random thoughts all at once. I blame cancer even though I know this isn't cancers fault.
I did relax for an hour though.
Me and the sun.
We had a thing for a whole hour.
It was a slice of heaven.
I plan to try it again tomorrow.
Am I enjoying the happiness?
Nope.
I'm a planner.
I'm a future person.
I have such a hard time living in the now that it's just unfathomable to me that I can sit and enjoy this moment without not worrying about 1000 other things.
DH and I said goodnight the other night and both rolled over.
I hadn't even moved onto my list of 5 things I needed to analyze before he was snoring away.
I kicked him and moved onto list number one.
Is the alarm on and was I sure I shut the garage door?
Kick.
What will we do for dinners this week? I'm out Tuesday night. Youngest has a band concert..
Kick. Snore.
Shoot did I write down I needed diet coke? I'm antsy. My legs are restless and I cannot wait til these $%# stomach issues go away. I just want to lose 20 lbs. I'll be thrilled with 10. I'll take 5.
Kick. I can't even worry in peace. Bring body pillow and regular pillow into the guest room because there is no way I can sleep in my room when I can't hear myself think. It's hot in the guest room even though the AC is already on in the house. Toss. Turn. Flip pillow to cold side. Drink water. Pee. Drink more water. Think about how your scalp is itchy. Think about how you are so tired you can't even imagine ever feeling normal again and that you really kind of want to wake up when it's all over. But you don't want summer to pass you by. But you're working at camp this summer and although it will be great to be distracted you kind of just want to put your toes into the sand in Maine (where you are obsessed about buying a second home but you can't until your kids go to college and you downsize) so yea, toes in sand..for 2 months- in between Herceptin appointments and 6 weeks of radiation.
Flip pillow. Kick one leg over the blanket.
Breathe in. And out. Can't get "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" out of your head. (Feel free to sing along)
Herceptin will be nothing. 9 more months is not nothing. You hear radiation is a cake walk (in comparison). You're pretty sure nothing about cancer is a cake walk. Radiation being 3 minutes each day is still a pain in the ass as far as I'm concerned and it's still taking hours out of my day for 30 days and it still means you have cancer.
Being Debbie Downer when you're healthy is even worse when you're sick.
No one says anything that makes me feel better. No one says anything right. Everything irritates me. It is giant PMS on steroids. I bite DH's head off every time he tells me I will start to feel better soon. If my Mother tells me one more time I will be okay I may lose it. It's not them. It's me. It's totally me. Of course it's me because I cannot believe I actually have cancer. Again.
So did I tell you I think I'm psychic? My freshman year in college I dreamt my HS boyfriend was dating a girl named L and sure enough, he was. I dreamt my SAT math score (Which sucked and thankfully I never have to discuss my SAT's with anyone ever ever again). I dreamt a few other nutty things but I dreamt I was going to get breast cancer the first time around (more like a premonition). And this time..again.
Bottom line you don't want me dreaming anything about you. Unless it's in the form of winning the lottery and in that case, will you buy me my Maine house?
So see. This is how I think. Random thoughts all at once. I blame cancer even though I know this isn't cancers fault.
I did relax for an hour though.
Me and the sun.
We had a thing for a whole hour.
It was a slice of heaven.
I plan to try it again tomorrow.
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