eatthefrostingfirst

The worst; I hope, is over. Tuesday was tough. I cried..a lot. I got dizzy during a "nerve block" that they did on me pre-op and my pressure dropped. I apparently said goodnight to all the nurses and doctors as I was going under, I asked immediately upon waking if my nodes were clean. THEY WERE! I have clean lymph nodes. Tuesday was a blur. I barely remember coming out of anaesthesia. I was in pain and thankfully had morphine literally under my thumb. A pain pump is a great invention.I was prodded every few hrs by interns and residents checking out my new boob. I was asked 100 times if I was peeing and how was my pain on a scale of 1-10. I awoke Wednesday AM unsure if I wanted to stay an extra night or not. I opted out and came home late Wed afternoon to the comfort of my own bed. I am in a hospital brand sports bra that I cannot take off (except to shower) until next Tuesday. I have a huge wad of gauze stuck into my bra and have moved from morphine to percocet. I cannot

"But now I'm six, I'm clever as clever So I think I'll be six for ever and ever." A. A. Milne Six years ago I gave birth to two sons. I remember Zachary every year on Jared's birthday because, well, frankly, it was also Zachary's birthday. He died on August 8th, 7 hrs after he was born. August 7th is always a bittersweet day for me. Each year I think of what I went through to keep my boys alive and how they were born 12 weeks to soon. I think of how I cried and cried as they told me Zachary had passed and how I remained strong and optimistic during the 6 months Jared was in the NICU. I think back to my days of being a first time Mom and how I had to suction my child's trach out and cart around oxygen and a ventilator every time I left the house. I think of Oldest' early days; struggling just to breathe comfortably. Yes, each year I look back at the previous year and marvel how far my 28 week, vent dependent child, has come. He is six. He is

It's 415AM. Its no surprise Im up and cant sleep because Im having surgery in less than a few hrs. Thanks to the most amazing friends and family a girl can have, I spent the greater portion of yesterday evening crying..not so much fear but gratitude. Heartfelt gratitude that all my friends want to do is call me to offer me support, to help out if ever needed with the boys, to make me a dinner...they reiterate the fact that Dear Husband can call them no matter what. They offer to drive my boys to camp and therapies. They offer me hugs from across the miles bc they cant be close in person. I'm anxious for today. Im more anxious to just get it over with and put this part of my life behind me. I want to start thinking of things again other than Breast Cancer. I want to start exercising more and eating healthier. I want to try to decompress more when I'm stressed and to read a good book more than just now and again. My boys are anxious about Mommy going in for an operation. J

2 days till the mastectomy. I still haven't been able to read the entire book of "Why I wore lipstick to my mastectomy". She's pretty graphic so when I started to read it only a few days after my diagnoses, I cried through many of the chapters. Dear Husband suggested I put it down and stop reading but for a while, I couldn't. I gravitated towards it turning each page to see if I could compare myself to her. I finally stored it inside of my night table and will pick it up again sometime after I'm feeling better. Yet, it still calls me...I wonder how her post op was? I'm feeling okay. Mentally, physically (well take that back. I'm having sleepless nights, back pain and womanly things going on) but mentally..still in check. BFF sent me an amazing care package filled with thoughtful items like pjs that button down the front (since I cant lift my hands up over my head for quite a while), a gift card to Blockbusters and Bertuccis (nothing like chick flick

My baby will be 4 the day after my surgery so I pay tribute to him now as I'm sure I wont be typing then. So my youngest son, you were a kicker from the start. I knew while you were in my tummy that you were going to be a take charge kind of kid. Boy was I right. 5wks early you still weighed in at 6lbs, 7 oz and gave us many sleepless nights due to gassiness and plain stubbornness. Only the gas has subsided 4 yrs later. You are the spitting image of your father and the personality of me. You are a love and there's not a moment that goes by in my day (even if I'm screaming at you to finally poop in the toilet) that I dont look at you with a full heart. As I say to you nightly, I love you forever and ever. Happy Birthday! 

Surgery is scheduled for a week from today. It became very real to me when I did my pre-op apt today (over the phone) with the anasthesia nurse. They were very thorough in going over my history but when she started to describe what my AM would be like the day of surgery, I went into a panic attack. The word "stretcher" alone set me into heart palpitations. I've been strong and am sure I will continue to remain positive but I've never been "under the knife" for such a long period of time and am dreading the recovery period. Sure, a day or two of bedrest and all day TV will be nice but after that, I'm sure the excitement of doing nothing will wear off. So for the next 7 days I intend to treat myself to getting my hair colored, dinner with a friend, and a weekend of fun and relaxation with my boys (hmm, not sure fun and relaxation can go hand in hand when talking about two active children...regardless...you get the gist) I continue to be humbled and amaze

I love sunny days and a good book I'm terrified of rats, skunks and someone breaking into my house when I'm home I have no room in my life for selfish or ignorant people. My highschool days are over! I would love to have an interior designer come to my house to decorate and paint. It irks me when people are upset over the sex of their expectant baby. Honestly?? Dont we all care that it's just healthy? I'm shocked DSS hasn't come to take my boys away this week. I've never yelled so much in my life. Stress... I would go back to summer camp in a hearbeat I need some good, sink your teeth into, TV back on the air. I miss Grey's Anatomy. I need more date nights with my husband. I desperately crave to be a natural size 6 I need chocolate or ice cream daily. Stress on the word NEED I have a pretty good life in spite of current health issues and challenges in my childs life. If I've learned anything it's health, love, family and friendship is al

Had an "I love being a mom" kind of wkend. Spent it in storyland with the boys. They were amazingly behaved and we all had fun. I'm kind of in an emotional place but regardless, had two teary moments over the wkend. First was in the car when Oldest ever so honestly and lovingly said out of the blue "I love you Mommy". Youngest, not wanting to be left out, agreed that he, too, loved me. I cried...nothing better than 3 words from your children. Tender moment number two was when we stopped for ice cream on the way home and Oldest reached over to his brother,  put his arm around him and said "you're my best friend" where Youngest replied "and youre my best friend too" (Phew..he has been known to ruin the moment with things like you're NOT my best friend" where then Oldest gets sad...) The sun finally came out after I think 20+ days of rain Great sleeping weather and a good weekend all around. Cant beat it

I knew that my time at camp was spent wisely. I have mentioned the countless of friends I have made (and kept up with) and the camp really is a kind of brother/sisterhood type of place. You mention camp and people automatically feel a camaraderie weather you were there at the same time or not. A few days ago I decided on a plastic surgeon for my reconstruction. Oddly enough..a fellow alum of Tel Noar. The odder part is my BFF's husband works with his brother in law..out of state in St Louis. Crazy small world. Everything comes full circle at some point in time. I waited for our consult. I wanted to talk all day about camp but we talked primarily about my boobs (after all, that is why I went to see him) and chose him to be the guy I would entrust with making me look normal and even. Surgery is in 3 weeks. I'm not really nervous. I'm ready to get on with it. Get this Cancer out of my body (it often freaks me out that I'm walking around with it in me) and am just honest

So far being 40 hasn't been all that fun I dreaded turning 30. I think I cried for a week to my Mother. We spent the dreaded day at a day spa getting massages and facials--me trying to forget I was 30 and still single (the horror!) I had friends who were married or in serious relationships and I had not found "the one". My mother reminded me over and over that it wasn't "when, but who". I didn't buy it. I was 30 and I felt doomed. At 32 I got married. Life; although challenging at the time, was better. I had someone to share it with. I no longer felt that I would die a spinster so I figured how bad could 40 be? I embraced it. After all, magazines and TV ads kept reassuring me that "40 was the new 30". I felt young and not so bad about myself. Sure I was 10lbs heavier and a little greyer than I used to be. Nothing a little discipline and a $200 trip to the hair salon couldn't fix. I was happily married, a roof over my head, and a cat who

I'm sure that on December 2nd, 2000, when Dear Husband and I took our vows, that he didn't really expect the sickness and health part to start so early. My husband has been my rock since day one. He is the patient and rational one. He is the non worrier, the lets see what happens guy. Me. Type A. Anal, worrier, list maker, always thinking ahead and sadly, glass half empty kind of girl. Dear Husband, Total opposite. We have different personalities. I'm a bit more extroverted and definitely more of a communicator. He is more quiet and laid back but I wouldn't label him as shy. In our case, opposites attracted. And we work. I know marriages that have fallen apart because of infertility issues. I know men who cannot handle the loss of a child and therefore, stopped communicating with their wives. Marriages again, fallen apart. I know men who are raising a special needs child with daily frustration and not understanding the mother's day to day role. I am so fortunate

It amazed me as I sat in the plastic surgeons office yesterday (waiting for an hour to see her because I've never met a surgeon yet who runs on time) that there are so many types of fake boobs. There in front of me were three versions..an expander (some type of pocket that expands your skin over time hence making room for the implant later on) The saline (filled with ...well, of course, saline, which do people even use anymore?) and the silicone boob. My breast of choice. It felt most real to me and I wasn't sure I wanted saline floating around in my body. 60 minutes later DR comes in. I was warned that although she may be the "breast" woman for the job (no pun intended, I couldn't help myself) that she often does have personality conflicts with patients. Oddly enough she even admitted this. But there my Mother and I sat (babysitting conflict, Derek couldn't come as someone has to watch over the boys), yes, there we were, admiring DR Breasts shoes and althoug