There are days of course that I do think...holy crap I cannot believe all I've gone through.
However, most days I dont think anything of it.
Until its an anniversary of something
Or a song comes on the radio
Or I meet someone who says something which reminds me of a time back when...
Or when its summer.
Summer sparks it all
I relive almost every aspect of the "crap"
My 6 1/2 weeks of hospital stay at Brigham and Women's Hospital. Trying to hold out hope that my twin sons would survive.
Oldest'sBirthday
Zachary's Death
My diagnoses of Breast Cancer.
My mastectomy
My fake boob
Oldest's start of 180 days in the NICU
Youngest's Birth
You would think I would really start to become bitter over this time of year.
But I dont.
And although I admit I dwell on many things.
The above are not any of them.
Im over the fake boob thing (I thank god for my health every summer as I re-approach my yearly one sided mammogram)
I'm over the fact that I had the worlds hellish pregnancy and that my summer was spent in a hospital room on bedrest (where I could only shower every third day)
I'm over the fact that my son spent 180 days in a NICU because I look at him now and am in total awe of it all.
Really
Total Awe
This kid was hooked up to a ventilator to breathe and fight for his life.
For a really long time.
And now look at him...
AWE
I am not "over" Zachary's death of course.
Nor will I ever be.
But I dont cry like I used to.
I dont think every day that I should be raising twin boys ( I hold on to the fact that if I had been raising twin boys there would be no youngest son in my life)
I dont ache over the loss (as much)
but I will never be over it.
So as my youngest son turns six
and my oldest son turns eight
I thank my lucky stars of where we all are now
and where we really could have ended up
and I know...
summer aint so bad.
However, most days I dont think anything of it.
Until its an anniversary of something
Or a song comes on the radio
Or I meet someone who says something which reminds me of a time back when...
Or when its summer.
Summer sparks it all
I relive almost every aspect of the "crap"
My 6 1/2 weeks of hospital stay at Brigham and Women's Hospital. Trying to hold out hope that my twin sons would survive.
Oldest'sBirthday
Zachary's Death
My diagnoses of Breast Cancer.
My mastectomy
My fake boob
Oldest's start of 180 days in the NICU
Youngest's Birth
You would think I would really start to become bitter over this time of year.
But I dont.
And although I admit I dwell on many things.
The above are not any of them.
Im over the fake boob thing (I thank god for my health every summer as I re-approach my yearly one sided mammogram)
I'm over the fact that I had the worlds hellish pregnancy and that my summer was spent in a hospital room on bedrest (where I could only shower every third day)
I'm over the fact that my son spent 180 days in a NICU because I look at him now and am in total awe of it all.
Really
Total Awe
This kid was hooked up to a ventilator to breathe and fight for his life.
For a really long time.
And now look at him...
AWE
I am not "over" Zachary's death of course.
Nor will I ever be.
But I dont cry like I used to.
I dont think every day that I should be raising twin boys ( I hold on to the fact that if I had been raising twin boys there would be no youngest son in my life)
I dont ache over the loss (as much)
but I will never be over it.
So as my youngest son turns six
and my oldest son turns eight
I thank my lucky stars of where we all are now
and where we really could have ended up
and I know...
summer aint so bad.
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