eatthefrostingfirst

I had a bit of extra energy riding into the hospital. I'm not sure if it was because the sun was out. Or because I had the windows down blaring the Eagles "Heartache Tonight". Or maybe it was because I knew this was my last ride in for radiation. I didn't mind the XXL teal gown today or the sight of the radiation machine. I handed them my card and recited my name and date of birth with excitement. Although I still have 6 more months of Herceptin and surgery in my future, I know another chapter is closing. I'm getting closer to the finish line. I hopped onto the table and assumed position with my arm above my head holding onto the peg behind me. I scooted up and over as I tried to get lined up with the beams and I stared in anticipation of the radiation beam light turning on....and then off. I was done. 12 chemo treatments and 35 radiation treatments were in the book. My red, raw, burning skin was starting to peel and become less painful. My hair is slo...

I have an extra week of radiation added on. Because clearly the prior 6 weeks weren't sufficient. As I sit in the waiting room for my extra week I'm seeing things differently. I'm much more tired. My time used to be spent on my phone while waiting for my name to be called. Now I just sit. And observe. Today I noticed that someone prior to me was working on the find a word puzzle. She left her pencil in the book; probably unable to finish before she had to be beamed up. The colored pencils they leave in the cup for us to use on the adult coloring books were just sharpened. A few pages have been started; none finished. A water bottle half full. A magazine left open to an article. No one has time to rest in the waiting room before we are called to battle. What would be nice if after our fight we came back and resumed the coloring and the reading and the find a words- that is the time we need to clear our minds most. After. Not before. My extra week of radiation is...

Dear First Time Radiation Patient, I noticed you as you walked into the waiting area- unsure weather to look at me or not. You chose the latter and sat in the chair as you waited for your name to be called. You didn't dare look at anything but the hands on your lap as I'm sure your mind was wandering. You jumped as they (the radiation techs) called you in and greeted the girls with a big smile and some friendly small talk. That's what you do for the next few weeks; lots of small talk.  I hear you from behind the door as you happily yell "that's it? I'm all done". Ahh yes, the innocence. I, too, was that happy patient week one. I thought radiation would be a breeze. A few images, some breath holding and you leave none the wearier. Oh my new friend, I wish I could tell you that the next 30 visits are just as easy.  But you see, you will start to drag your sore skinned body in every day- dreading the flash of the beams. Your fatigue,( that you may or ma...

Radiation makes your body look like a patchwork quilt Nose hairs really are necessary Losing your eyebrows is worse than losing your hair Losing your leg hair and under arm hair doesn't suck Stop and breathe once in a while Faitgue is totally a real thing People can be really really thoughtful Do self breast exams- #Selfiessavelives KNOW your own body Chocolate really is the key to happiness (This I knew pre breast cancer but it always important to add to any list) Radiation is no walk in the park.  It's a walk compared to chemo but certainly not a leisurely stroll. Take naps whenever possible. It's good for the soul Cancer makes you see things differently -no matter what your outcome Not having breasts doesnt make you any less of a woman- it's in your heart which makes you you. All humility or vanity I ever had went out the window Just be kind- always (another not new lesson but worth mentioning at any time) Have yourself a good cry and...

On top of radiation I still have my every three week infusion (Herceptin). (Those following along with the medical lingo it's because I was HER2+ when I was diagnosed which means the cancer I have is an aggressive form. I need the infusion therapy for a year). The herceptin isn't too huge a deal. There are no side effects other than needing access to my port every three weeks. Sometimes I forget I still even have the port until I see the scar or small bulge when I wear lower cut tops. Or of course I feel the odd vein sticking out of my neck- but that's here nor there. The port has been a blessing. I walked by the cancer store to try on a few new scarves. The cute bandanas I loved in the beginning are now ones that I loathe. I just want to be free again. I'm hot at camp in a scarf and what was once freedom of not having to do my hair in the morning has turned into me longing to hold a blow dryer and brush in my hand. Along with herceptin, I saw my oncologist today ...