Survivor's guilt

 A friend of mine asked if I wouldn't mind being interviewed for her dissertation. 

She is doing her study on survivors guilt in breast cancer. 

I know a bit about this. 

It started in 2009.

 I was diagnosed with extensive DCIS and underwent a single mastectomy. 

A few years later, I was honored to be part of a Breast Cancer Awareness day with the New England Patriots. 

I met some incredible women that afternoon and left feeling super emotional. Not only because I was on the field with so many people who went through, or were going through, cancer- but because I felt like I didn't deserve to be there. 

I had ONLY gone through a mastectomy.

 I was listening to stories about chemo brain, scarves and hats and radiation burns. I was one of the "lucky" ones; but felt I didn't deserve to be recognized for being a "survivor".

It was that day that I learned I hated the term. 

SURVIVOR.

Sure. I survived breast cancer.  

But I did nothing special. It was luck. Or my genes. Or what have you. But it wasn't because I had better doctors or drank spinach smoothies. Why did some lose their lives to cancer and others didn't? 

That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

8 years later. 

I found the lump (on the breast that wasn't even there anymore) and I guess, then, I earned my badge. (so to speak). 

Chemo, radiation, herceptin, reconstruction, radiation burns, itchy scalp, sore gums, loss of hair, scars upon scars.  I had gone through the gammet.

So now I "survived" breast cancer; twice.

Does that make me a special kind of hero? A fluke? Any more a survivor than those who did all they could to try to make it to the other side?

So as my friend tries to figure out how we cope with survivors guilt, she asked if I had anything to offer? Anything I would like to say?

This is what I say.

Cancer sucks. 

Any way you look at it. 

Any type. 

Any stage. 

There is no good in cancer and even though I am on the other side of this; I never (never) fully breathe.

  I do not consider myself a survivor because I feel it discredits those who have lost their lives to this crappy disease. They did all they could. 

They fought like hell. Just as I did. 

I also say this. 

And I've said it numerous times here but it bares repeating.

Cancer is a part of my life. It is a chapter (chapters) in my story. It hasn't defined me but it has shaped me. And changed me. 

And yes, I'm NED (no evidence of disease)

For today. I know tomorrow may change. 

I'm trying to be mindful of my days. (Especially after this last year, haven't we all learned this a bit?) Don't let a moment go to waste. 

Love fiercely my friends. 

And stay safe.