eatthefrostingfirst

Dear CancerMates I walked into the cancer center today and saw you all. I did my usual quick scan around the room. I see you. You see me. Neither of us acknowledge each other. For the most part we all keep to ourselves. Occasionally our eyes will catch one another and we will quickly look back down at our pretend article that we aren't really reading or sometimes we will warmly smile at each other. DH is by my side today. It's my last infusion. The last time my port will be accessed to draw labs and insert infusion meds to keep cancer at bay. You know I dont like to jinx myself so I wont say last ever because of NED and all  (No Evidence of Disease does not mean forever) Especially because NED and I are good friends. He visited me again to make sure I wasn't getting too relaxed and comphy. HA! Clearly NED doesnt know that relaxed isn't really in my vocab. The nurse who did my labs today is also a "survivor". "Your last infusion...

I am enough. That was Sam's hashtag she often used when posting or blogging. Sam died at the age of 40 this week. From Cancer. I am enough. I'm trying to live by these words. As should you. I look in the mirror and am constantly being self critical. Of course my short hair screams out at me. The way my eyes now have wrinkles when I smile. My whole bottom half. The mole on my nose. The way I bite my nails. I am not disciplined enough to lose weight. Guilt. Oh the guilt! About everything. I am enough. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I focus on the negatives or imperfections? We all have flaws of course. But we all have strengths too. We all have wonderfully, positive qualities that make us who we are. We cannot do it all people. We do what we can. Join me in honoring Sam. I am enough. You are enough.

Looking back on the beginning of my blog- years and years ago- I was writing about oldest. His prematurity issues.  Being a mom to two preschoolers.  Toileting issues and how to entertain during long vacation days were my stressors.  Do you know what I wouldn't do to have pullups be my biggest issue now days? The boys are teens now so writing about them isn't exactly fair game anymore.  They have opinions and wants and I respect their need for privacy.  Me putting myself out there is one thing but they didn't sign up for it.  That being said. My life as a preemie mom is a huge part of who I am.  I've said many times that my oldest has made me who I am. He made me the mother I am. He may be 14 but I remember our NICU days vividly and often I look at him and my eyes will well up at the thought of how far he has come.  How far we both have come (because my overalls wearing days are sadly over) (Replaced happily by yoga...

So far 2018 is off to a better start. The PATS are in the playoffs My infusions end this month Grey's Anatomy started back up And I've had the patience and stamina to read again (something I terribly missed doing but just couldn't muster during cancer treatment) I know I should be feeling like I can now clap my hands and put this all behind me. The thing is, this chapter is in the story. And I'm pretty sure chapters somehow carry over to the next one. This wont be the title of my book- but it's definitely written in ink. I've tried to figure out what's wrong with me. Why aren't I running around doing happy dances? There are days I do. Today I actually grabbed youngest and sang "last infusion and then off to the bahamas" to the tune of uptown funk. Yea. Youngest wanted nothing to do with this either but roll with it, will ya? And it's not that I don't want to put this behind me. Of course I do. No more infusions- belie...