eatthefrostingfirst

 24 hours ago my oldest was sleeping soundly under my roof. A new chapter of life has begun . For him. For me. It kind of snuck up on us.  19 years does that to you. Yesterday he was struggling to breathe in a tiny isolette and today he’s living in a dorm room on a lofted bed. Move in day was seamless. I mean, I have nothing to compare it to but I’ve heard horror stories and this was insanely organized. You drive up and tons of upperclassmen in green shirts  are there to unload your stuff and bring it up to your room for you.  Throughout the day, the green shirts check on you. Tell you where to go and how awesome the school is.  The green shirts are polite, respectful and enthusiastic.  I have wishes of my son being a green shirt. After deciding where exactly the Patriots wall hanging should be hung, plugging in the fridge and putting away clothes, we were off to Target. Yes. The trip to Target for all the things I asked if he wanted 24 hours prior that, ...

 Oh hey-  It’s just me after a Target trip, shopping in the college section.  I’m the mom in the college section. With the kid going to college. In the college section. Do you hear me?  I mean, I knew it was coming.  He applied. Got in. Went to orientation. Yet here we are. In the college section. And it took Target for me to realize this shit is real. And happening. In a week. I’m excited for him.  I am. It’s time to take the next step.  Be all you can be. Grow,thrive yada yada. But its my baby. My 2lb 9oz baby, who has been by my side for 19 years. And now I’m shopping for hanging stuff and storage containers. In the college section!  So here we are. Next week you can find me begging for Valium In the pharmacy aisle. Good luck to all of you who’s kids are heading off for the first time. Here’s hoping we ever sleep again.

  Well it’s that time again. August. The time where my emotions go all over the place. It’s been 19 years so you would think that I would get used to August rolling around every 365 days but for some reason the calendar gets me every time. I love summer. I love the sunshine and the beach and the relaxation. I love lobster rolls and ice cream cones. Other than mosquitos there’s very little I don’t love. Not to mention both my boys were born in summer. But summer also reminds me that I was in a hospital for 6 1/2 weeks trying to keep my twin boys safe. It reminds me of really scary and quite frankly, shitty times. It reminds me of daily scares, my husband needing to visit me, my Mom sitting with me during the afternoons, nurses I grew to love, and it reminds me at one time I had twin boys growing inside of me. On a frightening morning of August 7, 2003 15 or so nurses and doctors ran into my hospital room bathroom because they had to “pull the emergency cord” in the bathroom.  T...

 My summer Facebook memories show quite a few pictures from summers past. Although I do love a good flashback, there are photos of me with a scarf on my head or with really short hair. Both scenes make me cringe. I want to delete them all. It was an extremely difficult time in my life and I absolutely hated how I looked. When you go through chemo, many worry about their lack of hair. It’s not about vanity. It’s about identity. It’s about looking in a mirror and not having a shouting reminder that you’re going through cancer. Because believe me, we don’t need any reminders. I am 5 years out. My hair is long again. My eyelashes and brows are back. I have more scars than I care to count. Any kind of low neckline shows my scar from where my port was, and I have little dark pen marks that show where radiation beamed me up 35 times. I’m happier and healthy. I’m also acutely aware I’m lucky to have my scars and long hair. So as much as I want to delete the old pictures, And as much as I c...