eatthefrostingfirst

Had to log into my DR online appointments thingamajig and saw that I had my breast MRI coming up end of January. Immediately the heart raced and I felt the struggle to breathe. Here's the thing. I've had many breast MRI's since 2009. A few not so good. (I have "rolling veins" and no one can ever get an IV started and I've mentioned before you need to lie on your stomach with your breasts through two holes for 45 minutes with your arms above your head not breathing.) I know. Joyous. I've been through many but each one is just as nerve-wracking. Do I think I have breast cancer again? No. I don't. (And god knows I self exam monthly in fear of finding a lump) I'm not fearful. Yet I am totally fearful. Because that's my life in a nutshell. I fear. And I dont. I worry each day. Yet take it as it comes. Basically I'm trying to be the zen yoga eat kale one day at a time person that I strive to be but really I'm the worry...

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. I have fond memories of family at my parents house. Lots of relatives. The smell of my Mom's "famous" stuffing (Famous only perhaps amongst me and my brother) My cousin and my Dad would play cribbage after the meal while my the "women" sat around the table and gossiped. I'm pretty sure the rest of the group watched football. I took over the hosting job a year before my Dad died. It was getting to be a lot of work for my Mom (I say my Mom because my Dad's big job was peeling potatoes and carving the turkey) (My Mom was famous for 10 shops to the market, feeling stressed day of not knowing what time the turkey should go in and then most likely forgetting something causing my brother or I to run out to the only convenient store that was open ) (Shout out to Tedeschi's in Newton MA) I would be called over to the house on Tuesday (sometimes Monday and on occasion a Sunday) to set the table....

A man I know was just diagnosed with cancer. It is prostate cancer and "THEY" do say that 80% of men will get it by the time they are 80. But that's not the point. He heard the words "you have cancer" and as those of us who have been there, know all too well the rest of the conversation may have well been Charlie Brown's teacher maw maw mawing away. There is nothing I hated more when people said to me "You will be okay". I know that sounds weird because you would think I would be comforted by their positive thinking but it was more like "yea, you dont really know I will be okay so let me be my half glass empty person that I am and take your positivity with you out the door" We want to be all positive polly but we only hear YOU HAVE CANCER. We want to believe we will be okay, we will get through it, this will be just a chapter in our past some day. But YOU HAVE CANCER is flashing like the Citgo sign at Fenway all through our t...

This coming Saturday is National Prematurity Day. (I remember this because it also happens to be my niece's birthday. ) But really I remember it because of my preemies. DH and I ran into our old NICU nurse today. I say "our" because really, this is who our nurses were to us. Sure they cared for our oldest,  but they were  nurses for OUR family. Middle of the night phone calls, a warm reassuring smile when we were learning to change a diaper on a 2lb baby, a arm on my back when I held Zachary for my first, only, and last, time So, yes, ran into our NICU nurse today. She knew we were parents who "graduated" but considering we didnt run into her in the NICU, it took her a minute to place which parent we actually were. And once she did, it was as if she remembered it all right along side with us. She remembered his corner in NICU D, how she told me to bring in outfits for him (making me feel like a "normal" mother), and how he was "the si...

I often think I'm a bit of a nut job. (quiet in the peanut gallery. just read quietly) So here's the thing For 15 years I've slept with a body pillow. Which, as you may imagine, is a pillow the length of your body. Poor DH as for sure it is like having a third person in bed with us (without the you know) I blame oldest as it started when I was pregnant and haven't been able to give it up. (Don't gross out. I have replaced the said pillow a couple of times already). The thing though is not convenient and when I flip sides, I bring the pillow with me. I know. Ridiculous. You should see me when I travel. I must get extra pillows to replace body pillow. And yes, I need white noise to sleep. And I check the alarm to make sure it's on before I go to sleep (not the clock alarm. The burglar alarm) Because I am terrified of home invasions. And then I check the alarm twice just to make sure I didn't lose my mind or that the creaking noise I heard wa...

I flew east to west to meet two of my besties for a girls weekend getaway . (Flying next to an anxious woman who hadn’t been on a plane in 20 years - you can imagine how joyous that was) We have been friends since we were 9 and wanted to celebrate turning 50 this year (for those who aren’t quick in math that’s 41 years of friendship which is truly amazing). (For the rest of you with your jaws wide open that you cannot believe I am 50- I know- it’s truly astonishing ) We met at camp Grew up together at camp And have remained friends in spite of living in three different states that start with the letter M. (As an FYI Montana, Maryland, Mississippi, Maine and Michigan are not amongst the three if you would like to do a mental challenge of where we are from!) We shopped and laughed and met a lot of LYFT drivers and critiqued our bitmoji’s and ate dinner from a cheese wheel and sang camp songs and consistently said the weather was perfect as was everything about our 3 days toget...