I think I've commented before that I read the obituaries.
I know it's a bit morbid but I've done it for ages.
My dad used to joke he reads them to make sure his name isn't in there.
Today I read about a 53 year old woman in a neighboring town who died of MBC (Metastatic Breast Cancer)
There was a link to her blog.
What I have been amazed with since I decided to start blogging about cancer is how many of "us" do the same.
I'm guessing we all do it for similar reasons (therapeutic) and to share about our path (you know I hate the word journey) and to update friends and family about how we are doing without needing to reach out to each individual personally.
I just read a bit of her blog before I started crying.
It doesn't take much for me to cry of course.
It doesn't take much more than the mention of "no evidence of disease" to all of a sudden hearing it's back, to cause us "survivors" to throw us worries into a need for ativan.
I hate the word survivor.
Maybe I'm being my Negative Nellie self again by saying I am not a survivor.
I'm living the days with baited breath and trying hard as hell not to.
Each lump and bump, scan and scar send me into a panic stricken state until I know I'm fine and I wait for the next lump, bump, scan, scar to appear.
"Survivors" also all seem to hate the term of "losing your battle" or your "fight".
It's as if those who didn't fight are the people who won.
Or if we didn't fight hard enough, or stay strong enough, or battle with gloves that we were the chosen ones.
Cancer sometimes takes over no matter the medicine or the treatment or the FIGHT.
And sometimes there are the lucky ones who keep on living.
Each time I read of someone dying from cancer I vow to live my life the best I can.
But you know, that's all well and said until..
a teenager's room filled with crap sets you off
or the dog wont go pee and it's negative 5 degrees out
or you get a hangnail.
Whatever the case may be we are only human.
And I would like to think we are all trying our damndest to get through life and be the best we can be.
But keto and detox cleanses and no carbs and healthy fats
to insta or snap? tweet or face?
Whatever we agonize about internally or with others
it really all doesn't matter.
I will quote a friend who died from cancer this past year
YOU ARE EFFIN' ENOUGH (I threw in the effin for good measure because I'm on a rant)
I'm so tired of hearing cancer overtake people while in the same day I'm hearing things that I know are trivial.
None of it really matters at the end of the day.
The trivial stuff I mean.
I'm trying
really trying to let it go
to not think and overthink
to not agonize and overagonize
(There are many a day I fail)
I want to stop having my heart skip a beat with the bumps and lumps
and I want to stop living in fear
and I want to stop complaining of my aching bones and hot flashes and stupid ass fat necrosis (which thankfully is all they found in my latest MRI) (but in my defense feels like lumps of cancer so you always gotta get it checked)
so I guess my rant is this
and I hope to follow my own advice
I AM ENOUGH
And my yelling and nagging at my children is nothing out of the ordinary because I know I'm not alone (and I know I was yelled and nagged at and guess what? Love my parents and I grew up to be semi normal)
And so what if I've been trying to lose 10lbs for 10 years?
And who cares if my teeth aren't white enough even though I have tried 2 trials of crest white strips.
Let's cut ourselves a break today
because this woman who just died from effin cancer reminded me, once again,
Life is short.
I know it's a bit morbid but I've done it for ages.
My dad used to joke he reads them to make sure his name isn't in there.
Today I read about a 53 year old woman in a neighboring town who died of MBC (Metastatic Breast Cancer)
There was a link to her blog.
What I have been amazed with since I decided to start blogging about cancer is how many of "us" do the same.
I'm guessing we all do it for similar reasons (therapeutic) and to share about our path (you know I hate the word journey) and to update friends and family about how we are doing without needing to reach out to each individual personally.
I just read a bit of her blog before I started crying.
It doesn't take much for me to cry of course.
It doesn't take much more than the mention of "no evidence of disease" to all of a sudden hearing it's back, to cause us "survivors" to throw us worries into a need for ativan.
I hate the word survivor.
Maybe I'm being my Negative Nellie self again by saying I am not a survivor.
I'm living the days with baited breath and trying hard as hell not to.
Each lump and bump, scan and scar send me into a panic stricken state until I know I'm fine and I wait for the next lump, bump, scan, scar to appear.
"Survivors" also all seem to hate the term of "losing your battle" or your "fight".
It's as if those who didn't fight are the people who won.
Or if we didn't fight hard enough, or stay strong enough, or battle with gloves that we were the chosen ones.
Cancer sometimes takes over no matter the medicine or the treatment or the FIGHT.
And sometimes there are the lucky ones who keep on living.
Each time I read of someone dying from cancer I vow to live my life the best I can.
But you know, that's all well and said until..
a teenager's room filled with crap sets you off
or the dog wont go pee and it's negative 5 degrees out
or you get a hangnail.
Whatever the case may be we are only human.
And I would like to think we are all trying our damndest to get through life and be the best we can be.
But keto and detox cleanses and no carbs and healthy fats
to insta or snap? tweet or face?
Whatever we agonize about internally or with others
it really all doesn't matter.
I will quote a friend who died from cancer this past year
YOU ARE EFFIN' ENOUGH (I threw in the effin for good measure because I'm on a rant)
I'm so tired of hearing cancer overtake people while in the same day I'm hearing things that I know are trivial.
None of it really matters at the end of the day.
The trivial stuff I mean.
I'm trying
really trying to let it go
to not think and overthink
to not agonize and overagonize
(There are many a day I fail)
I want to stop having my heart skip a beat with the bumps and lumps
and I want to stop living in fear
and I want to stop complaining of my aching bones and hot flashes and stupid ass fat necrosis (which thankfully is all they found in my latest MRI) (but in my defense feels like lumps of cancer so you always gotta get it checked)
so I guess my rant is this
and I hope to follow my own advice
I AM ENOUGH
And my yelling and nagging at my children is nothing out of the ordinary because I know I'm not alone (and I know I was yelled and nagged at and guess what? Love my parents and I grew up to be semi normal)
And so what if I've been trying to lose 10lbs for 10 years?
And who cares if my teeth aren't white enough even though I have tried 2 trials of crest white strips.
Let's cut ourselves a break today
because this woman who just died from effin cancer reminded me, once again,
Life is short.
Comments
Post a Comment