I started calling myself cancer girl when I got cancer - because calling myself cancer girl before cancer would’ve just been kind of weird and morbid.
Now that I’m a NED (no evidence of disease) cancer girl I often get asked from people how they can help their newly diagnosed friend, family member, neighbor ,etc
I may have done a similar post in the past but since it comes up (sadly way too often ) here I go again (on my own..)(What? No one else was ready to jam out to Whitesnake?)
Don’t worry about saying the wrong thing.
You may actually say the wrong thing (at the time) but it’s only because you’re coming from a good place.
And we get that.
Even as a “survivor” I often ask people going thru cancer “how are you” which really is the most ridiculous question because clearly the answer is “I have cancer so I’m pretty shitty”
I’ve tried to be cognizant of that one turning it to “how are you feeling TODAY? “
But please don’t feel you need to prepare your words.
Wanna know what’s worse?
No words.
Pretending that the cancer doesn’t exist.
Pretending life goes on as normal.
Because it doesn’t.
There’s no normal.
Only a new normal that we freakin hate.
So remember- any words come from your heart. And we love you for that.
But if I’m being honest
And I am
Here’s what I learned and appreciated
Thank you for your food, flowers, meals, etc.
Totally appreciated.
You know what was appreciated more?
You dropping them off at my door.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh.
We love you.
But we don’t love ourselves so much during cancer.
We are tired and feel down and are in the bathroom a lot and we don’t wear nice clothes so the fact that we don’t need to answer the door and put on a happy face is a godsend .
GODSEND!
That being said- there may be a time we want to see you.
We may want to curl up on a couch and watch stupid tv and share a hot chocolate (clearly with marshmallows) but take the cue from us please.
Offer the “reach out any time”
And own it.
Text. Or Email.
This allows us not to feel the need to answer right away without feeling like we are being rude.
Kudos to those who say “you don’t need to respond just know you’re in my thoughts”
And mean it.
Please don’t get offended if we aren’t returning calls.
We are wiped out from endless appointments and surgeries and chemo and radiation and for those of us with kids- still needing to parent -
that this is the time in our lives we HAVE to put ourselves first .
It’s a must.
(Do you hear that newly diagnosed friends? Put yourself first!)
Care packages.
I get asked a lot what things were helpful/comforting/etc
My personal favorite was chocolate but only because I’m a chocoholic and realize that this won’t work well for those who do not consider it one of the five food categories.
And it was comfort food to me.
I couldn’t stomach the smell of chicken but pasta was my bestie.
Everyone’s different on the food front so may want to check that one out with a family member. Your smell and taste buds change tremendously during chemo.
Meal trains? Helpful hint:
Don’t forget to check on allergies! Especially for people with families.
Speaking clearly as a woman, I was a huge fan of cozy socks, fun scarves or hats, coloring books, fuzzy blankets and oversized jammies. (But men- couldn’t you love some cozy socks too? )
Gift cards for me or family were a blessing! It was nice to be able to order out for pizza, send my kids or myself to a movie, or relax for a pedicure. (Not that I couldn’t do this without gift cards but it was a nice reason to treat ourselves to a night out or a day at the spa)
Remember there is no rule book.
I became a bit of a hermit yet I have a friend who was at the gym during her weeks of chemo.
We all face this disease in our own way.
There’s no right or wrong just as whatever you do to help your friend is not right or wrong.
Caring about someone - that can never be wrong.
And that’s why I say the food and gifts were lovely
Yet-
The biggest help?
And not to be hokey and mushy...
Those who listened when I needed them to
Truly listened.
Those who sat with me when I cried that it all was just too much to bare and I just couldn’t get out of bed.
Those who allowed me to stay in bed but also made sure I got up.
Those who told me I could rock a pixie haircut (even if it wasn’t true), who sent me cards and texts of support and love through a really shitty year, who sat with me during chemo, those who hugged me hard whenever they saw me, those who added me to prayer lists and those who continued to tell me I was in their thoughts.
Those were my biggest and bestest gifts.
To those of you who are newly diagnosed or who are dealing with a newly diagnosed loved one, remember this.
As scary as this all is
And as overwhelming and miserable this all is
You are not alone.
You are never alone.
Ps to a new cancer friend- my family and friends were beyond amazing but fellow cancer survivors were the ones where I drew my strength from. They walked the walk so understood in a way others couldn’t. I’m here. Stranger or not reach out any time.
Now that I’m a NED (no evidence of disease) cancer girl I often get asked from people how they can help their newly diagnosed friend, family member, neighbor ,etc
I may have done a similar post in the past but since it comes up (sadly way too often ) here I go again (on my own..)(What? No one else was ready to jam out to Whitesnake?)
Don’t worry about saying the wrong thing.
You may actually say the wrong thing (at the time) but it’s only because you’re coming from a good place.
And we get that.
Even as a “survivor” I often ask people going thru cancer “how are you” which really is the most ridiculous question because clearly the answer is “I have cancer so I’m pretty shitty”
I’ve tried to be cognizant of that one turning it to “how are you feeling TODAY? “
But please don’t feel you need to prepare your words.
Wanna know what’s worse?
No words.
Pretending that the cancer doesn’t exist.
Pretending life goes on as normal.
Because it doesn’t.
There’s no normal.
Only a new normal that we freakin hate.
So remember- any words come from your heart. And we love you for that.
But if I’m being honest
And I am
Here’s what I learned and appreciated
Thank you for your food, flowers, meals, etc.
Totally appreciated.
You know what was appreciated more?
You dropping them off at my door.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh.
We love you.
But we don’t love ourselves so much during cancer.
We are tired and feel down and are in the bathroom a lot and we don’t wear nice clothes so the fact that we don’t need to answer the door and put on a happy face is a godsend .
GODSEND!
That being said- there may be a time we want to see you.
We may want to curl up on a couch and watch stupid tv and share a hot chocolate (clearly with marshmallows) but take the cue from us please.
Offer the “reach out any time”
And own it.
Text. Or Email.
This allows us not to feel the need to answer right away without feeling like we are being rude.
Kudos to those who say “you don’t need to respond just know you’re in my thoughts”
And mean it.
Please don’t get offended if we aren’t returning calls.
We are wiped out from endless appointments and surgeries and chemo and radiation and for those of us with kids- still needing to parent -
that this is the time in our lives we HAVE to put ourselves first .
It’s a must.
(Do you hear that newly diagnosed friends? Put yourself first!)
Care packages.
I get asked a lot what things were helpful/comforting/etc
My personal favorite was chocolate but only because I’m a chocoholic and realize that this won’t work well for those who do not consider it one of the five food categories.
And it was comfort food to me.
I couldn’t stomach the smell of chicken but pasta was my bestie.
Everyone’s different on the food front so may want to check that one out with a family member. Your smell and taste buds change tremendously during chemo.
Meal trains? Helpful hint:
Don’t forget to check on allergies! Especially for people with families.
Speaking clearly as a woman, I was a huge fan of cozy socks, fun scarves or hats, coloring books, fuzzy blankets and oversized jammies. (But men- couldn’t you love some cozy socks too? )
Gift cards for me or family were a blessing! It was nice to be able to order out for pizza, send my kids or myself to a movie, or relax for a pedicure. (Not that I couldn’t do this without gift cards but it was a nice reason to treat ourselves to a night out or a day at the spa)
Remember there is no rule book.
I became a bit of a hermit yet I have a friend who was at the gym during her weeks of chemo.
We all face this disease in our own way.
There’s no right or wrong just as whatever you do to help your friend is not right or wrong.
Caring about someone - that can never be wrong.
And that’s why I say the food and gifts were lovely
Yet-
The biggest help?
And not to be hokey and mushy...
Those who listened when I needed them to
Truly listened.
Those who sat with me when I cried that it all was just too much to bare and I just couldn’t get out of bed.
Those who allowed me to stay in bed but also made sure I got up.
Those who told me I could rock a pixie haircut (even if it wasn’t true), who sent me cards and texts of support and love through a really shitty year, who sat with me during chemo, those who hugged me hard whenever they saw me, those who added me to prayer lists and those who continued to tell me I was in their thoughts.
Those were my biggest and bestest gifts.
To those of you who are newly diagnosed or who are dealing with a newly diagnosed loved one, remember this.
As scary as this all is
And as overwhelming and miserable this all is
You are not alone.
You are never alone.
Ps to a new cancer friend- my family and friends were beyond amazing but fellow cancer survivors were the ones where I drew my strength from. They walked the walk so understood in a way others couldn’t. I’m here. Stranger or not reach out any time.
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