For Wilsey

I grew up without a pet.
Almost all of my friends did not have pets.
And because of a trauma at the age of 9, I was petrified of dogs.

Because the neighbors dog; Yogi, a giant Doberman Pincher (Or a giant German Shepard. Whatever. GIANT) got loose while my brother and I were outside playing frisbee.
(Remember when kids went outside to play? Back in the OLD days?)
Yogi got loose and came charging at me- knocking me onto the driveway.
A bump on the head soothed by an ice pack and a ice cream sundae at Baileys I was fine a few hours later.

But  I felt 

scarred for life.
Until I met my highschool boyfriend’s dog , Tiffany, who was a bandana wearing, gentle yellow lab . And I learned that not all dogs were terrifying.

But still, I did not want a dog.
Until I did.

DH wanted a dog.
“We’ll see” I would say as we discussed it.
“We‘ll see” when the boys get older.

And then I fell in love.

With a goldendoodle who would forever warm my heart.

And named her "Wilsey"

She is the one member of my family who never says no when I want to snuggle.
Her only fault is nudging you for love when you’re trying to read, type or play candy crush .

So when Wilsey started acting differently some weeks back, I knew something was wrong.
Because mothers know.
I took her to the animal hospital over Christmas week thinking she had Lyme disease.
She tested fine.
A few days later I went back to the vet.
Bloodwork clear.
I refused to believe she was “fine”.

I knew she was not fine.

We started her on meds seeing if she would improve- maybe it was arthritis.
She got better.
Until she didn’t.

Two days ago she could hardly move.
So at 5am when she couldn’t get down the stairs I drove her to the ER.
Just as worried about her like I worry about my kids;  I begged them to help her.

Pain meds, fentanyl patch and a steroid injection didn’t help and I begged my way into an earlier ,urgent neurosurgeon appointment the next day.

So at 1am when she was whining I woke up DH and we broke our cardinal rule...
I made him pick her up and lay her between us so she could sleep better.
Or maybe so I could sleep better.

I have never been happier (you know. Figuratively speaking. Because clearly I’ve been happier than lying with my sick dog ) but my heart rested.
And she stopped crying.
And then I stopped crying.

I never knew the love of a dog.
Until we decided to see 

instead of “we’ll see”.

Today I found out Wilsey has cancer on her cervical spine.

We are not sure if it is the same cancer she had in the summer or a new cancer.

It doesn't really matter.

She's in pain and my heart is split in two.

She cries if I'm not next to her.

I cry if I'm not next to her. 

The next few days are critical to see how she responds to pain meds before we see what the next steps are.

I will now spend the next few days by her side.

Over the years I have known people who have lost a pet.

I felt so sorry for them because I knew pets become part of your family.

But I didn't TRULY get it. 

Until Wilsey. 

My heart is heavy.

It truly hurts.

She has brought me so much love....

For those of you who are on the "we'll see" side of things

Just do it. 

You wont regret it.