eatthefrostingfirst

So you know the days when you just want to close the door and let the kids somehow find their way to dinner and friends houses and independently do their homework? We've all been there. I get tired that I STILL have to remind my tween-aged boys to wash their hands and brush their teeth. The struggles for homework are real. Screen time vs playing outside? Trying to get a green food into my youngest vs his third day eating pizza. There are many days I scream and yell. And then there are days that I really don't care that he is eating pizza again. Those days I am reminded of what's important. Health. Seriously, cliche but the truth. Love and happiness are a close tie for number one but health trumps all. When oldest was in the NICU I spent many a day (3 months to be exact) at Children's Hospital in Boston. When I needed a break I would sit on the benches outside Au Bon Pain and people watch. There were bald children pulling their IV poles behind them. There ...

So I have a buzz cut going on. Naturally along with the lack of hair comes something called folliculitis. Seriously? Let's go back to my senior year of HS Latin class and break the word down. The root word being "follicle" and "itis" meaning something medical you don't want to get. So yup, I have some kind of acne/strep/fungus whatever itchy crap on my scalp. Apparently it worsened when wearing the wig (traps the scalp from being "free" according to oncology nurse). She calls me in a lotion and suggests I be "free" whenever possible. So I have barely come to terms with the lack of hair. I allow myself to walk around the house without a scarf but still cannot stand to stop in front of a mirror. What's left of my hair is really really gray which is not so fun and let's remember, I barely have hair. My husband, two kids and even the dog don't seem to blink twice which is a blessing because I'm doing a lot of blin...

"It's only hair" Things you should never say to someone going thru chemo. Your hair is showing the world you are still healthy you. You can hide the fact you're breaking inside. You are terrified half the time and sick and sad but you can still fake this. The second your hair is gone you are exposed. The mask is lifted. The woman you pass in the parking lot, the cashier at the market, the parent at your kids school.. they now all know and are looking at you differently. No malice- just different. Curious. Sadness. Pity. I (my husband) shaved my head and for the first time since diagnosed I felt in control of something. Almost liberated. Losing strand by strand was causing me so much anxiety. I was tired of cleaning my shower drain and using a lint brush on my clothes. The bit by bit was a daily stab - you have cancer and you can't do anything about it. Each day you will suffer through this. I was torn to hold on to what hair I had and just let it fall out ...

It's a bit weird but I look forward to chemo each week. It's an indicator that I'm getting closer to the end. Plus today I got to go with a girlfriend. Nothing against DH as he has been nothing but AH-MAZE-ING during this all but sitting with a girlfriend is almost like going out to lunch together. Except you know- Nurse K is the waitress and my salad is chemo- and the other patrons aren't exactly loving their meal and are wanting to send it back but otherwise- it's practically EXACTLY like lunching with a friend. For those keeping track today was chemo number 5 and I desperately try to cover up my scalp with any which way my hair will fall. Hanging on but not much longer in that department. And I'm sure you are all curious wanting to know so here you go... 20 lbs? Yup. Still have them. Had a good cry this past week. Overdue and needed. Cancer makes you cry a lot. And then you're okay. And then you're not again. It's a bit like PMS. You bl...