eatthefrostingfirst

In case you're wondering how I'm doing with working at camp while simultaneously undergoing radiation - I am in my PJ's at 445pm on a Thursday afternoon. People saying you will feel fatigue during treatment do not understand cancer. Fatigue is: "tired. needing a nap". Cancer fatigue is "freaking exhausted. Your body has nothing left and you need to sleep for 20 hours". I dropped youngest off at overnight camp yesterday and it is indeed his happiest day of the year. It's one of mine too. He is quite independent and me staying longer than 5 minutes in his bunk is already 4 minutes too long. I make sure (god forbid) no one is watching as I grab a hug and a smooch and am on my way. On my way around camp that is. There is no way I'm heading home when I get to walk around my happy place too and see all of my alumni friends. So many former bunk mates and campers of mine send their children there now so it's definitely a fun day for us all. Wal...

Losing my hair has been extremely humbling. I look into the mirror differently these days. I dont care about going out without make up- I throw on the cancer scarf. You put vanity in a different compartment when you have cancer. You are different then you were before cancer whether you like it or not. Whether you wanted to be or not. At radiation yesterday I stared up at the lights on the ceiling and thought; how did I get here? When did I get here? Christmas eve to Father's Day. 6 months of my life so far has been cancer. I eat, drink, breathe and sleep cancer. It's never far from my thoughts even when I try. It's taken over my life in a way I didn't think possible. In some points, for the better. Cancer for the better? Not the cancer but my frame of mind. My thought process. When oldest was born and with all his medical issues I was quickly brought to the realization that the saying "don't sweat the small stuff" would be a daily part of my life. I...

Losing your hair is bad enough with chemo but to lose all your hair- everywhere- really is the icing on the cake. I've mentioned before that losing my brows and lashes was worse than losing my hair on my head. I felt so cancer-y. And now that they are slowly growing back; I look even worse. Little sprouts growing make me look like I'm in desperate need of going for a wax. But I cannot of course because they need to grow. And my hair on my head growing back are whisps. Gray/White whisps. The whisps poke out below my scarf (not enough for me to go scarf-less) but enough for people to see that my hair is growing back like Rose from the Golden Girls. The good news is going for Herceptin every 3 weeks so far has been nice. Not having my port accessed and not feeling nauseous daily has been ah-MAZE-ing. I actually put the compazine bottle in the medicine cabinet! (Ok, so it was replaced on my nightstand by the Aquaphor tube but...yea, no nausea- just sore skin) #Cancerkeepsgiving...

One of my favorite quotes I've ever seen is "life sucks. then its great. then it sucks again. and then its great one more time. until it sucks some more. and becomes great.". And that sums up my week. Or my past 6 months. Or maybe my entire life. I can't decide. Doesn't matter really because it speaks volumes.  I've only had 6 radiation treatments and already I have had it. Cancer is freakin' exhausting both mentally and physically.  I drive into the parking lot which is full. So I have to valet. I check in with my little bar code card, undress into the teal green XXL gown. Verify my name. Take off gown. Get into my non moving position. Look up at the damned lights on the ceiling. Breathe and not breathe. And repeat the following day. Sure it sounds like it's not a huge deal and I suppose reading it sounds like it's only 30 minutes out of my day. And this is true. BUT to add it on at the end of chemo. To have to rinse and repeat daily. I AM J...

It's true that radiation is easier in comparison to chemo. Of course I'm only on day two but you know, it's easier. There is no port involved. No tubes of blood. No nausea. But I'll be damned, they still offer the grahams on the way out. So as I lie there, non boob exposed, scarf off, not moving my arms which are over my head in stirrups- my hand starts to go numb. Don't move they tell me. I wiggle my fingers and try to think of anything else other than blood draining from my hand. Above me they have stars. Well not really stars but think planetarium-like. I suppose they want us to picture a serene night sky. Maybe they want me to wish on a star and then the cancer will be beamed out of my body.  I do neither. I count the stars.  Until they say "okay, take a deep breath. And hold" Green laser lights which are mapped out on my body (which I can see through the machine moving over my non breast) takes a picture. "And breathe" comes the voice...

I have two pretty great sons. I love them equally. They are being raised by the same two parents. One is night. One is day. My brother and I are that way too. And often so are DH and I. It's all good. That's what makes the world. Differences. Since I'm cancer girl these days my thoughts are heavily cancer related. So at 1:13 this morning when insomnia is at its finest, I got to thinking. I've been reading some cancer blogs lately and the writers, like me, find the writing helpful. It's part of our coping mechanism. We express because we have the need to go through our healing this way. I'm reading and getting stuff in return. An 'aha"moment or a confirmation that this is normal.  I choose to go public because this is me. There are others going through cancer or another illness or tough time in their life and they choose the opposite. They go through the motions because we all have to but want to keep it private. They dont want to talk about ...

Why do I need to make lemonade out of lemons? It's been tough to see the up side of things and the hardest thing for me has been the guilt. The guilt of resting when my body is screaming at me to rest. I'm not sure why I'm guilt ridden? I am a SAHM so I am not taking off of work right now.  While my kids are at school I've slept- all the way through Hoda and Kathy Lee. "I should be up- doing something" I think. But what?  What do I NEED to do that is more important than nurturing my tired chemo body or my mind?  Why am I not allowed to lie in bed past Hoda time? Damn it I am allowed. And honestly, so are you. Take away the guilt and take time to rest. Rest your mind and your soul and your body.  Working mom? Take a mental health day if you can. Staying at home with kids? Ask a friend/spouse to help you out. Sleep in and allow that time for yourself. There is nowhere that you need to be that is more important than you. Of course this has been hard. So mu...