One of my favorite quotes I've ever seen is "life sucks. then its great. then it sucks again. and then its great one more time. until it sucks some more. and becomes great.". And that sums up my week. Or my past 6 months. Or maybe my entire life. I can't decide. Doesn't matter really because it speaks volumes.
I've only had 6 radiation treatments and already I have had it. Cancer is freakin' exhausting both mentally and physically. I drive into the parking lot which is full. So I have to valet. I check in with my little bar code card, undress into the teal green XXL gown. Verify my name. Take off gown. Get into my non moving position. Look up at the damned lights on the ceiling. Breathe and not breathe. And repeat the following day. Sure it sounds like it's not a huge deal and I suppose reading it sounds like it's only 30 minutes out of my day. And this is true.
I've only had 6 radiation treatments and already I have had it. Cancer is freakin' exhausting both mentally and physically. I drive into the parking lot which is full. So I have to valet. I check in with my little bar code card, undress into the teal green XXL gown. Verify my name. Take off gown. Get into my non moving position. Look up at the damned lights on the ceiling. Breathe and not breathe. And repeat the following day. Sure it sounds like it's not a huge deal and I suppose reading it sounds like it's only 30 minutes out of my day. And this is true.
BUT to add it on at the end of chemo. To have to rinse and repeat daily.
I AM JUST DONE!
Fellow cancer friend recommended reading Sheryl Sandberg's Option B . I've been wanting to read it so this was the push I needed.
It is a MUST read to anyone going through a hard time. Sheryl (because we are besties as I nod to myself through almost every chapter she writes) wrote about how she journals to help her with her overwhelming emotions.
It is a MUST read to anyone going through a hard time. Sheryl (because we are besties as I nod to myself through almost every chapter she writes) wrote about how she journals to help her with her overwhelming emotions.
Yes!
I write to gather my thoughts yet I realize it's also a place for me to look back and think- huh- look at that- I survived what i thought was the top 10 worst days.I journal to remember when I thought my hair falling out was going to be the day that began my life as a hermit. Who knew a teal blue bandana would be my favorite scarf? I journal because honestly it's sometimes the only way I know how to deal.
She also writes about how she discusses what she is grateful for. And this is where I have a hard time because I am often the eternal pessimist. So I end with this:
The sun is finally out in New England. I feel warmth on my face and I love listening to the trees blow in the wind. I am really trying to live in the moment. To breathe and look around at the simple things. My patio lounge chair is my happy place.
Summer is here which means camp. I love seeing youngest get so excited to be in my former happy place. I love seeing the comfort he has around his camp friends and being so secure with himself at the age of 11. Last week was a camp gathering for him and some of his friends. The parents are former camp people so we all gathered and sat around watching our kids swim. Sure they asked how I was but I wasn't cancer girl. I was just me. Years can pass- they can be former campers or bunkmates but I'm always the most comfortable around my camp peeps. I know I am giving my son the gift of a lifetime.
Lastly for today..I am grateful for DH who has seen me at my worst. I mean absolute worst. He doesn't care about my non breast or my white hair or my needing to hibernate in my bedroom to escape the world.He takes over with the kids so that I can rest. He helps me put greasy Aquaphor on my radiated side and lets me cry about how much cancer sucks. He listens to me rant about my hot flashes and my weight gain and he still somehow loves me. To say I appreciate him more than ever is an understatement. Happy Fathers Day to the guy I am honored to have my sons call Dad.
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