Losing my hair has been extremely humbling.
I look into the mirror differently these days. I dont care about going out without make up- I throw on the cancer scarf.
You put vanity in a different compartment when you have cancer.
You are different then you were before cancer whether you like it or not.
Whether you wanted to be or not.
At radiation yesterday I stared up at the lights on the ceiling and thought; how did I get here? When did I get here? Christmas eve to Father's Day. 6 months of my life so far has been cancer. I eat, drink, breathe and sleep cancer. It's never far from my thoughts even when I try. It's taken over my life in a way I didn't think possible. In some points, for the better. Cancer for the better? Not the cancer but my frame of mind. My thought process. When oldest was born and with all his medical issues I was quickly brought to the realization that the saying "don't sweat the small stuff" would be a daily part of my life. I've lived that way for the most part for the past 14 years but the cancer ; it re-opened my eyes.
When I go to daily radiation appointments I see everyone walking out of the cancer center as the same. We may not have the same kind of cancer or the same outcomes but we understand each other in a way no one else can. We don't stare at each other we look at each other with the "I get it" face.
I think the one reason I'm waiting so anxiously for my hair to grow back (okay not one reason but one out of 1001) is I want the pity smiles to go away.
And maybe they aren't pity smiles.
Maybe they are smiles of "sorry I was starting at you and you caught me staring so now I'm smiling at you because..well, because ooops, I shouldn't have been staring".
But I wasn't staring at you because you looked awful I was staring at you to see your face.
To see how you looked.
I was staring at you because I felt sorry for you.
I was staring at you because you reminded me of my (insert here...friend, sister, mother, wife, cousin...) and you are so young to be having to wear the scarf.
I'm staring at you because I'm petrified that could be me some day.
I'm staring at you because I "just" needed radiation and I'm so thankful that I wasn't you.
I'm staring at you because that WAS me.
You were me.
I know you dont mean to stare. I probably was the starer too. I, of course, didn't mean to stare. And I probably smiled warmly at you too. If I stare at you now please know my warm smile is because I AM you.
I look into the mirror differently these days. I dont care about going out without make up- I throw on the cancer scarf.
You put vanity in a different compartment when you have cancer.
You are different then you were before cancer whether you like it or not.
Whether you wanted to be or not.
At radiation yesterday I stared up at the lights on the ceiling and thought; how did I get here? When did I get here? Christmas eve to Father's Day. 6 months of my life so far has been cancer. I eat, drink, breathe and sleep cancer. It's never far from my thoughts even when I try. It's taken over my life in a way I didn't think possible. In some points, for the better. Cancer for the better? Not the cancer but my frame of mind. My thought process. When oldest was born and with all his medical issues I was quickly brought to the realization that the saying "don't sweat the small stuff" would be a daily part of my life. I've lived that way for the most part for the past 14 years but the cancer ; it re-opened my eyes.
When I go to daily radiation appointments I see everyone walking out of the cancer center as the same. We may not have the same kind of cancer or the same outcomes but we understand each other in a way no one else can. We don't stare at each other we look at each other with the "I get it" face.
I think the one reason I'm waiting so anxiously for my hair to grow back (okay not one reason but one out of 1001) is I want the pity smiles to go away.
And maybe they aren't pity smiles.
Maybe they are smiles of "sorry I was starting at you and you caught me staring so now I'm smiling at you because..well, because ooops, I shouldn't have been staring".
But I wasn't staring at you because you looked awful I was staring at you to see your face.
To see how you looked.
I was staring at you because I felt sorry for you.
I was staring at you because you reminded me of my (insert here...friend, sister, mother, wife, cousin...) and you are so young to be having to wear the scarf.
I'm staring at you because I'm petrified that could be me some day.
I'm staring at you because I "just" needed radiation and I'm so thankful that I wasn't you.
I'm staring at you because that WAS me.
You were me.
I know you dont mean to stare. I probably was the starer too. I, of course, didn't mean to stare. And I probably smiled warmly at you too. If I stare at you now please know my warm smile is because I AM you.
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