eatthefrostingfirst

Dear CancerMates I walked into the cancer center today and saw you all. I did my usual quick scan around the room. I see you. You see me. Neither of us acknowledge each other. For the most part we all keep to ourselves. Occasionally our eyes will catch one another and we will quickly look back down at our pretend article that we aren't really reading or sometimes we will warmly smile at each other. DH is by my side today. It's my last infusion. The last time my port will be accessed to draw labs and insert infusion meds to keep cancer at bay. You know I dont like to jinx myself so I wont say last ever because of NED and all  (No Evidence of Disease does not mean forever) Especially because NED and I are good friends. He visited me again to make sure I wasn't getting too relaxed and comphy. HA! Clearly NED doesnt know that relaxed isn't really in my vocab. The nurse who did my labs today is also a "survivor". "Your last infusion...

I am enough. That was Sam's hashtag she often used when posting or blogging. Sam died at the age of 40 this week. From Cancer. I am enough. I'm trying to live by these words. As should you. I look in the mirror and am constantly being self critical. Of course my short hair screams out at me. The way my eyes now have wrinkles when I smile. My whole bottom half. The mole on my nose. The way I bite my nails. I am not disciplined enough to lose weight. Guilt. Oh the guilt! About everything. I am enough. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I focus on the negatives or imperfections? We all have flaws of course. But we all have strengths too. We all have wonderfully, positive qualities that make us who we are. We cannot do it all people. We do what we can. Join me in honoring Sam. I am enough. You are enough.

Looking back on the beginning of my blog- years and years ago- I was writing about oldest. His prematurity issues.  Being a mom to two preschoolers.  Toileting issues and how to entertain during long vacation days were my stressors.  Do you know what I wouldn't do to have pullups be my biggest issue now days? The boys are teens now so writing about them isn't exactly fair game anymore.  They have opinions and wants and I respect their need for privacy.  Me putting myself out there is one thing but they didn't sign up for it.  That being said. My life as a preemie mom is a huge part of who I am.  I've said many times that my oldest has made me who I am. He made me the mother I am. He may be 14 but I remember our NICU days vividly and often I look at him and my eyes will well up at the thought of how far he has come.  How far we both have come (because my overalls wearing days are sadly over) (Replaced happily by yoga...

So far 2018 is off to a better start. The PATS are in the playoffs My infusions end this month Grey's Anatomy started back up And I've had the patience and stamina to read again (something I terribly missed doing but just couldn't muster during cancer treatment) I know I should be feeling like I can now clap my hands and put this all behind me. The thing is, this chapter is in the story. And I'm pretty sure chapters somehow carry over to the next one. This wont be the title of my book- but it's definitely written in ink. I've tried to figure out what's wrong with me. Why aren't I running around doing happy dances? There are days I do. Today I actually grabbed youngest and sang "last infusion and then off to the bahamas" to the tune of uptown funk. Yea. Youngest wanted nothing to do with this either but roll with it, will ya? And it's not that I don't want to put this behind me. Of course I do. No more infusions- belie...

It was the Sunday after we had 13 inches of snow dumped on us. Two snow days from school. It was time. Time to venture out. Me and 1000 of my closest friends within 35 miles had the same idea. We all went to the mall. I was calm even though it took me 15 minutes to find a parking space and I broke laws by going down the do not enter row of the parking garage. I was on a mission. I needed to get out and about. I needed retail therapy. During my 60 minutes of what I will now appropriately call, hell, I saw two dogs browsing the mall as well. With their owners I mean but yea, two dogs. Who, I assure you, were NOT service dogs. Along with the two dogs were 152 teens wearing Patriots Pom Pom winter hats and Uggs slippers as shoes (Which, call me old, I will NEVER understand this trend). If you were not wearing a pom pom hat you were most definitely looking down at your phone while walking with your girlfriends. Or walking with ear buds stuck in your ears with a group of ...

In 4 months I'll be 50. My back is in spasms. My knees creak. I need new sneakers because my plantar fasciitis is so bad. I can't read a damned thing without my glasses and even then; it's questionable. If I feel like 60 now cannot wait to see what the next decade brings. Bring it on, I say. Because remember, I'm all zen now. We were in NYC this weekend while youngest was soaking up the sun at a camp friend's Bar Mitzvah in Florida. I was sent a picture of him and his summer brothers in a hot tub while I was freezing my ass off -debating to buy a $10 hat on the streets because I didn't think I could walk two blocks without forming icicles on my nose. Sorry city lovers but I don't love NYC. Elmo and Cookie Monster want to charge you money for a picture. People are shoving free CD's in your face (telling DH "you're young enough to listen to this") A burger costs $18 and I don't know how women go out at night in heels bec...

Pardon my language but EFFFF! EFFFF is my new word since being diagnosed with cancer. I'm not much of a curser but EFFFF seems to work really well in all cancer statements, questions, exclamations, etc. ** For the sake of my blog and others who don't curse, I really dont say EFFFF. You know. I say the real word. So EFFFF Not to make light of cancer. Because I would never ever make light of cancer. But all I can think of is Queen singing "another one bites the dust". Yes. Another woman I know diagnosed with BC. I'm so over it. You are so over it too. I know. I'm beginning to think I may start to know MORE people with BC now than LESS. What is it world? Tell me. Is it like the peanut allergy thing that came out of nowhere and is now an epidemic. (I have a two kids with two different life threatening allergies. No jokes here) Women are getting breast cancer. Men are getting breast cancer. Lung. Esophogeal. Kidney. Pancreatic. Where are the ...

When you are so cold and you reach down to pull up the blankets and accidentally whack yourself in the face. And when your kids have been back at school for 2 days after Winter break and there's a snow day and over a foot of snow expected. And you're kind of over the bonding with the kids thing. And you're even done with Law and Order. And people on Facebook are posting their school cancellations just in case someone from their town didn't get the same phone call, tweet, email, notification that they did. And I'm thinking during a bombardageddon or whatever they're calling this blizzard that it may be more useful to post the towns that DO have school rather than repeating the obvious. And do they really need to tell us the malls are closed? Is there an urgent need for someone to get into the car with their kids and run to Forever21? And when, for the 18th year, you ask your husband why in the hell you live in New England when you both hate Winter? ...

Two more Herceptin treatments. TWO MORE! Herceptin isn't a huge deal in terms of side effects but it's a nuisance and a constant reminder that I'm still in treatment. It means I still have my port in. It means I'm still trekking into the cancer center. Just a public service announcement: Please do not eat a smelly breakfast when accompanying someone to infusions. We are so sensitive to smells and your food in the waiting room makes us want to barf. Love you being there for your friend but lose the eggs. When in doubt; choose the granola bar. You're welcome. While I'm at my words of wisdom If you are a medical assistant accompanying someone back to their infusion room, please wait for them and do not walk 30 steps in front. It's rude and there are many rooms and if we cannot see you, we do not know where to go. Just a tip. And smile. We don't like being there more than you may hate your job. To prove that I'm a regular, I sit down f...