eatthefrostingfirst

It's no wonder I don't sleep. I think of disturbing situations, causing my anxiety level to rise in the middle of the night. I know. Genius, right? Last night I heard oldest cough. (Which proves how good my ears are because we sleep with a fan on for white noise.) Instead of thinking oh, he has a cough. Instead of ignoring said cough. Instead of rolling over and trying to fall asleep. I think.. I hope he isn't getting sick. I know. Not that abnormal of a thought. But then I go back to January, 2004 when we brought him home from the NICU after 6 months. We were ready for him to come home. DH and I had months of tracheostomy care. We had  binders filled with his medical history to bring with us to the hospital, in case of an emergency. We had two ventilators (in case one malfunctioned), two oxygen tanks, two suction machines, back up trach and I think even a back up to the back up. We took pictures of him, finally getting to wear a cute winter outfit that we...

I'm sorry to say I have someone else joining this crappy sisterhood (appropriately named "Shittiest Sorority" by another sister/member of the club) According to Breastcancer.org " In 2018, an estimated 266,120 new cases of invasive breast cancer are expected to be diagnosed in women in the U.S., along with 63,960 new cases of non-invasive (in situ) breast cancer" Terrific.  I remember feeling so alone when I was diagnosed the first time around. Now I'm surrounded by old friends and new friends. I wish we were bonded by our love of palm trees and drinks with fruit in them but instead we are bonded by stories of when our hair fell out and mastectomy vs lumpectomy. We have become experts in the lingo of stages, grades, chemo drugs, reconstruction and which surgeons are the best.  2018 has definitely been off to a better start than 2017.  365 days ago I was completing week one of chemotherapy feeling like I totally had this.  I was optimistic, energet...

Life really is better in the Bahamas. I’ve spent 5 days with the 3 people I love the most living amongst palm trees and fruity drinks. We were relaxed. We swam and ate ice cream every night (because as youngest reminds me - there are no diets on vacation). We all got a bit too much sun and ate a bit too much. The weather was perfect. I watched DH and oldest play catch in the pool and listened to youngest describe in intricate detail (in his glory) about each and every water slide. We Polo’d when someone Marco’d and  giggled when we the sting rays we swam with attacked our butts. Believe me no vacations are without issue. My teens gave the occasional attitude and I complained daily about my short hair (okay it may have been hourly. In my defense chemo curls showed up full force in this humidity ) All in all- we rated the trip a 9 out of 10 - taking points off for our lack of hot water in our showers and the view of a parking lot.  These are my take aways : Reclining seats on ai...

I've been cursing cancer this week. Clearly who am I kidding as I curse cancer almost daily; but particularly this week. Hearing about way too many people getting diagnosed with this god forsaken crappy disease. It saddens and angers me in so many ways. Selfishly, I'm cursing it this week because I'm suffering from Dequervains tendonitis which is just a fancy royal sounding name for crappy tendons that hurt like hell near your thumb. I couldn't take the pain anymore and went to get a cortisone shot. All the while I was blaming it on candy crush but good news peeps- I can continue climbing the levels of the mind sucking game AND get to blame the damn sore thumb and wrist on .. you guessed it..  Cancer! No, it's NOT cancer but the joint pain is from the Exemesthane that I'm on to prevent the cancer from coming back. Joint pain for another 1680 days. Awesomeness. A friends mom has breast cancer. Her second time. Another friend just diagnosed. A frie...

To my childrens teachers: Thank you. Thank you for welcoming them to school, first thing in the morning, when you've barely scarfed down your g cup of coffee. For smiling even if you are having a crappy day. For listening even though you have your own issues going on. For accepting. For not judging. For teaching them to share, cooperate, listen, speak out, voice opinions, and socialize. Thank you for being a nurse, surrogate parent, cheerleader, and therapist. And thank you. Thank you for keeping them safe to the best of your ability. When you signed up for this job lockdown drills and escape routes were not first and foremost in your mind. Yet, each year you practice those safety skills to keep our children safe. And sadly, so sadly, you have; more than once, been called upon to utilize those skills. To put OUR children before yourselves. You are not paid nearly enough, nor will you ever be thanked nearly enough, for all that you do each and every day.  For ...

Hi it’s me  I couldn’t sleep Maybe you couldn’t either  I’m sickened and frightened and sad.  And my heart really hurts  Yours probably does too Dear congress please stop sending thoughts and prayers. They aren’t enough anymore.  They were never enough Do you need to wait until it’s your child that becomes a victim ?  Is that what you’re waiting for ? Until it hits close to your home?  Because this is hitting close to my home.  No. I’m not from Parkland or Sandy hook or Las Vegas or Orlando. My home is here- with my children.  Who I want to keep safe. I’m sure you do too.  My children. Our children Do you know what their minds should be worried about?  Math tests and school dances.  Instead our children are worried about guns and being safe in their school. In their shopping malls. In their movie theaters.  I’m sickened. Maybe you are too.  Dear congress- dear president. When will it be enough for you ?  Last nig...

My story of how oldest and his twin brother entered the world is often a painful time for me to relive;  yet 14 years ago seems like 14 hours ago at times.  I know one day I will want to remember my angst. I kept a journal during the time but decided it was time to tell my story here. It's a long one. You've been warned. When I was younger and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up- aside from the answer of librarian or flight attendant (which is such a riot because I hate to fly and get sick when we hit turbulence), I always knew I wanted to be a Mom. In college it changed to pre-school teacher yet who knew to teach 4 year olds you needed to pass Statistics. Math and I have never been friends so I changed to a Psychology major my sophmore year. Discussing Freud, feelings and phobias was much more my speed. Analyze people? Yes. Up my alley. Guidance Counselor, Social Worker or Nurse were new aspirations. Mom. Still on the plate. The minute I had to disect a c...

My dear Kylie Kardashian (or whichever K name you are). I want to congratulate you on the birth of your daughter. She looks perfectly beautiful and healthy which is all that matters. The fact that you named her Stormi must mean you have high hopes of her growing up to be a stripper. I'm sure she is well on her way but I can only hope she rebels and goes off in a direction far away from the reality life. I am currently obsessed with ER reruns. Sadly I remember the original episodes pretty vividly but watching George Clooney now or then still makes a nice Friday afternoon. I was given the tip when you cannot sleep start to describe a room to yourself- the windows, furniture placement, etc. I have done this now with my former apartments and dorm rooms and for the life of me in each place I cannot remember where the closets are. However I can remember the name of the dance club we went to my Freshman year in college. Telling? I have tendonitis in my wrist and a back that's ...

I recently posted a meme on Facebook that I found. "Parenting is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you'd  have. It's about understanding your child is exactly the person they are supposed to be. And, if you're lucky, they might be the teacher who turns you into the person  youre supposed to be. " I couldnt love this any more. We (and by WE I totally include myself) are constantly comparing our children to other children. Even to their own siblings. One walked and talked before the other. One is more social. The other a book worm. Phones, sports, grades, eating habits, friends IT IS NEVER ENDING And then you know what happens? We question ourselves as parents. Crap. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. So and so said to wait til Joey is 12 before he can play football, take the bus, have a phone, stay up until 10pm. How can we be doing it wrong? Shit. Did I miss that there's a rule book to this parenting stu...