Work in progress

I finished chemo 10 months ago.
I remember begging for the day when I could sport a cute pixie cut.
Yesterday, I begged my hairdresser for a bob cut.

For gods sake: WHEN WILL I SPORT THE BOB?

I realize that even though, most days, I feel pretty good, this cancer crap- keeps at you.

Like an abscess.

My port is gone yet I feel like it's still in me.
I keep reaching near my neck where my vein, or whatever it was, bulged out.
I don't miss it but it really feels like it's still there.
Instead I see the scar with a stitch  hanging on for dear life.

My breast is healing from latest surgery but the scabs are still really raw.
I still cry when I look in the mirror.
I still cry at my short haircut and my endless scars that I know some call battle wounds but I call them effin reminders.
I don't even remember what I looked like without scars.
The only ones I loved where my c-section scars.
Reminding me of my loves that I brought into the world.

I finished radiation 7 months ago and I still have radiation "tan lines".
I still have numbness in my armpit from where the radiated the lymph node area; as a precaution.
A great deal of my body is numb.
I suppose a part of my mind still is too.

And don't let my whole "live in the moment" preach-iness fool you.
Last night I was up until 2AM worrying about cancer reoccurence.
I worried I came across to snotty in my last post (believe me folks. I love a good party with my friends. All I meant was surround yourself with those that bring you up)
I worried about making it home in time to pick up my son after taking my Mom to a doctors apt.
Clearly all things I didn't need to be focusing on at 2AM.
But that's how I roll.

Yup. This zen thing is a huge work in progress.