eatthefrostingfirst

 Im a bit of an insomniac. I’ve gone through all the tricks.  I often make lists in my head, mentally describe my  house , meditation apps, breathing techniques and of course- drugs. (Don’t worry. Prescribed stuff) Sometimes it works. Last night it didn’t. So I did the worst possible thing-  I turned on the phone.  (Yes. I shut my phone off each night and we still  have a landline. Don’t judge ) I went into the rabbit hole of reading comments on a parenting blog. The topic was college.  My heart bleeds for our students. Our little ones who should be playing in sandboxes and our big ones who should be hanging out after classes with their friends.  And of course-we are all in academia hell. So the topic of conversation was kids getting into college.  The comments were about many kids getting deferred from their top choices and many felt this was due to so many last year’s seniors taking gap years.  Makes sense. And it all sucks. But here’s...

 I have a friend who doesn’t like chocolate.  (I know.)  But I’m still her friend.  I have a friend who is gay.  A friend who is a different race than I am. I have a friend with special needs.  I have a friend who is a different religion, thinks different politically than I do, and a friend who is a vegan.  I even have friends who don’t like the Patriots. I don’t really care, to be honest, about any of it (ok- I kinda don’t understand the chocolate thing but you know- you do you. I do me) Right?  Isn’t that the whole idea of this world we live in?  Their color skin, sexual preference, and sports team preference is no baring on the person that they TRULY are. I’ve said this before and I’ll scream it again. You do you. I will do me. We can agree to disagree and still share the same air. (Well not these days, but you know- after Covid ) Just be freakin kind. It is NOT THAT HARD!

  I’ve had a nice 20 hour bonding time with oldest.  When I prayed for someone to take me on a overnight escape I wasn’t exactly envisioning a cot, pillows that feel like paper bags, and a view of a hospital parking lot.  But; there I was. Getting an overnight away from home.  Just me, oldest, an asthma attack and a lot of medical staff in PPE. My kid has been in and out of hospitals his entire early life. When the dr asked me how many pneumonia’s he has had in the past I actually laughed. Like out loud.  Umm- I can’t even begin to guess? 9? 50?  When she asks me for his current med list I can’t remember the dosages but I can list off his medical history in a nanosecond.  It was time to go to the ER when his fingers were looking blue and his oxygen level began with an 8 in front of it (for those who don’t know- you never want to be in the 80’s. especially low 80’s with purple like fingers). The upside is I’ve been around the block with this kid and you...

  It’s been 9 months since my mom passed away from covid.  9 months seems like 9 years and 9 days all wrapped into one.  I am consistently filled with sadness, despair and a tremendous amount of guilt. I can’t shake it some days.  I know you would all tell me that I have nothing to be guilt ridden of. That of course I did the best I could for my Mother.  That I would have been by her side if I could have.  That she knows that.  The thing is.  I wasn’t. I couldn’t.  And I am living with this.  I’m living with this tremendous “thing“ on my shoulders that I can’t shake. That the woman who carried me into this world was left alone to leave the world.  That my Mom, who was my best friend, who I spoke with 1-10 times a day, died alone.  I am distraught. Not every day.  But many days. I shake and cry at the very thought of her being alone.  I’m told - “but she was so sick she didn’t know you weren’t there” BUT. I. KNOW. 9 mo...

 Time for my yearly oncology follow up. Which is, in reality, my 20 month follow up thanks to Covid.  I zipped into the city, which normally would take me a good 45 minutes with daily commuter traffic. Definite silver lining of having everyone working from home.  After I make my way into the parking garage, I get off the elevator and am instantly greeted by stop cop number one. (Not literally a cop). Do not pass go until you go to the next stop cop. Number two asks me if I have an appointment after giving me a fresh mask (which I told him I just put on at stop number one. ) Asks name of Dr. I am seeing and hands me my "ok to proceed" yellow sticker which I am to wear proudly.  (No covid questions. No temp taking) It has been so long since I was in this building I forget if oncology is floor 8 or 9.  I'm waiting along side older woman with a bandana, who I; assume, is also heading up to a cancer floor.  (Non silver lining of covid, absolutely NO visitors unl...

I am a 52 year old grown woman who is petrified watching the world unravel. I am an adult who understands how the world works. How there are good and bad people. How it’s important to speak up, to voice your opinion, to protect things you believe in. I understand freedom of speech and that differences of opinions are what makes our world go around. But I’ve been around the block a few times. Our kids- are just that- kids. How do we explain to our kids what is happening in the world as they watch and see the news unfold before their very eyes? How do we continue to teach them to be respectful, fair and kind ? How do we continue to teach them how it’s so important to hear other views, to listen, to hear what others have to say yet there are leaders of our country - and so many others- not doing this each and every day? I have been glued to the tv with my heart racing - seeing images of protestors sitting with their feet up in a chair on the senate floor as the president of this coun...

 My kids will never know real life struggles. They'll never need to find a dime to make a phone call. Leave the couch to change a channel.  (Or worse, see shows in black and white) They will never have to be in a car with their parents and have them stop at a gas station to ask for directions. And then need to fold up the map to fit into the glove compartment.  Or to know how to read a map. They don't know life before a microwave, making long distance calls that cost money per minute, busy signals, or waiting through a commercial for your show to come back on. Need to order something? Use the app- it will be waiting for you upon arrival.  No tapes needed to be inserted to watch a movie, listen to music or watch a recording of a show.  They'll never know about non smoking sections in airplanes (or restaurants), riding without seatbelts, not knowing who's on the other side of the door (or phone), banana seats on bikes, the desire to have a waterbed and your mom sa...

Remember going out at night? Like a date? Mascara, heels and jewelry. Remember jewelry? I tell DH all the time how lucky he is to have me. Because; you know, it’s the truth. But I’m lucky too. Because dating right now would suck. Nowhere to go. No romantic dinner or holding hands in a movie theatre. Plus my dating profile would read: 52 year old mother of rolling eye, mumbling under their breath teenaged boys. Has migraines, the back of a 70 year old and a lot of scars under her bra. Complainer of all things, baker (who likes to lick the bowl), writer and mom to a 65 lb Bernedoodle who you must love and get up to take out every morning and before bed because I’m too lazy. Hates exercise, science fiction anything and Indian food. Loves all things chocolate and traveling - but gets car sick and panics in a plane. Must order out Chinese food once a week (but then listen to me complain about the migraine from the MSG). Loves walks on the beach (but has plantar fasciitis so you will hear ...