It sucks all around

In 2009 I was at an event with a group of breast cancer women and they were all talking about losing their hair and side effects from chemo.

 Lumpectomy vs mastectomy 

Radiation, fatigue, nerve pain, fake breasts vs no breast.

Then they turned to me to ask how I managed with it all?
And me.  I felt like I fraud.  "Oh- I only needed a mastectomy" ( as if losing your breast wasn’t a warranted way to work myself into the sisterhood) 

I know I had dodged a bullet and felt like these women deserved to be recognized way more than I did. They went through hell.

And I believed it. I absolutely undoubtedly felt that losing my breast was just part of the cancer deal and my life went on. I always felt that if I got it again it would be caught early because  I was being monitored so closely and yup- I would just lose the other one- end of story.

But never did I expect if I got it again it would happen in the already gone breast and never did I think that I would now have a valid entry card into the sisterhood.

 Because, you know- now I ran through the real rat race checking off all the boxes of treatment. 
What a crock. 
As I've said before, there is no good in cancer. It's a crappy disease no matter which way you slice it (no pun intended)

I just finished a book about breast cancer and the author interviewed people asking did BC change them.

 Many said no- it happened to them - they did the treatment and moved on. 

That was me part one. It sucked at the time but I was - “fine”. 

Did it change me? It reminded me who I always was I guess but forgot a few things. 
This time  it did teach me to try to slow down more. 

I’m not sure I believe the people who said they’re exactly the same - like this was a blip in their life. I’m not saying you need to quit your job and join the peace corps or dye your hair pink in solidarity; but somehow, some way you had to be scared and be reminded that life can change quickly. 

Sure- we all say it- life is short- don’t blink- where did the time go-
but it speaks the truth.

So as I sit and watch the PATS game on this Sunday afternoon I vow to obliterate these words from my vocabulary.

Blessed
Warrior
Survivor
Journey
Battle

I am someone who had some real crap thrown at me. I did not choose to be a warrior down this journey. I am not blessed in any way shape or form because a disease that you are a NED to doesn't make you blessed. Am I a survivor? For now. But I don't like to say that out loud anymore  because the last time I did it got me here again.

Plus please remember, those that don't win this "battle" didn't mean they weren't strong and tough and warriors. We all fight with everything we have. 

Cancer sometimes win. 
It sucks all around.