I dont sleep through the night.
Ever.
I blame it on my bladder being the size of a marble and the fact that I had children.
To add into the not sleeping through the night I've had insomnia as of late.
This I blame on cancer.
And the fact that I worry about everything known to man kind.
December 18th will mark 365 days since I found the pea sized lump (Which turned into 3 pea sized lumps and a bit of DCIS- Stage 0- thrown in just to keep things interesting)
Since then my nights have consisted of cancer worries, cancer tears, cancer fatigue...you get the gist.
I'm at a new stage now of nights consisting of worry about the following:
What will I eat for lunch tomorrow now that I'm trying to lose 20lbs?
Do we have eggs that I can hard boil?
What was that noise?
Is my 12 year old being excluded from things that he cares about?
No he doesn't care about it only his obsessive neurotic mother cares about it.
If I keep caring I will turn my son into an obsessive neurotic tween.
He already shows tendencies.
I passed on my neuroses.
Oldest has been quiet lately.
I'm pretty sure I've only seen the top of his head the last 5 days (Because, you know, he's always looking down at a screen)
He's 14. He's supposed to be quiet.
Must he always mutter under his breath?
I'm hot as heck.
I hate these freakin hot flashes.
When will this hair grow?
I need to lose weight. And now.
Tears.
Crying.
I hate cancer.
I'm so cranky.
My stomach and new breast hurt from reconstruction.
My rib is swollen.
I want this damned port out of my body.
I'm so tired of infusions every 3 weeks.
Hot flash is over and now I'm freezing. Where is the blanket? (Swear because it hurts to sit up with stomach muscles that are no longer there to get said blanket)
2 hours have passed since I said goodnight to DH.
He was sleeping 10 minutes after the I love you kiss.
He's not worrying about losing 20 lbs because the second he wants to lose weight he cuts out a snack and is down 10lbs.
Men suck like that.
He's also not worrying about social issues with our boys or the fact that oldest has a social studies test and needs extra help or that I have to call the allergist and make a follow up appointment or that I need to get up early because it's a infusion day and I only have 5 more hours til I fall alseep.
Yes. Today was infusion day.
I was greeted by cranky man who really needs a new job. He is so cranky and never smiles and really should not be working at a cancer center.
I sat next to a woman in a scarf, accompanied by her husband.
Across from us was a regular, I've seen him before. He has his wife with him who's wearing stiletto heals carrying a bag of snacks. He looks tired.
Of course he's tired.
We are all so god damned tired.
It's because we don't sleep.
Cancer cancer cancer.
Or maybe he's worrying if he bought eggs?
Ever.
I blame it on my bladder being the size of a marble and the fact that I had children.
To add into the not sleeping through the night I've had insomnia as of late.
This I blame on cancer.
And the fact that I worry about everything known to man kind.
December 18th will mark 365 days since I found the pea sized lump (Which turned into 3 pea sized lumps and a bit of DCIS- Stage 0- thrown in just to keep things interesting)
Since then my nights have consisted of cancer worries, cancer tears, cancer fatigue...you get the gist.
I'm at a new stage now of nights consisting of worry about the following:
What will I eat for lunch tomorrow now that I'm trying to lose 20lbs?
Do we have eggs that I can hard boil?
What was that noise?
Is my 12 year old being excluded from things that he cares about?
No he doesn't care about it only his obsessive neurotic mother cares about it.
If I keep caring I will turn my son into an obsessive neurotic tween.
He already shows tendencies.
I passed on my neuroses.
Oldest has been quiet lately.
I'm pretty sure I've only seen the top of his head the last 5 days (Because, you know, he's always looking down at a screen)
He's 14. He's supposed to be quiet.
Must he always mutter under his breath?
I'm hot as heck.
I hate these freakin hot flashes.
When will this hair grow?
I need to lose weight. And now.
Tears.
Crying.
I hate cancer.
I'm so cranky.
My stomach and new breast hurt from reconstruction.
My rib is swollen.
I want this damned port out of my body.
I'm so tired of infusions every 3 weeks.
Hot flash is over and now I'm freezing. Where is the blanket? (Swear because it hurts to sit up with stomach muscles that are no longer there to get said blanket)
2 hours have passed since I said goodnight to DH.
He was sleeping 10 minutes after the I love you kiss.
He's not worrying about losing 20 lbs because the second he wants to lose weight he cuts out a snack and is down 10lbs.
Men suck like that.
He's also not worrying about social issues with our boys or the fact that oldest has a social studies test and needs extra help or that I have to call the allergist and make a follow up appointment or that I need to get up early because it's a infusion day and I only have 5 more hours til I fall alseep.
Yes. Today was infusion day.
I was greeted by cranky man who really needs a new job. He is so cranky and never smiles and really should not be working at a cancer center.
I sat next to a woman in a scarf, accompanied by her husband.
Across from us was a regular, I've seen him before. He has his wife with him who's wearing stiletto heals carrying a bag of snacks. He looks tired.
Of course he's tired.
We are all so god damned tired.
It's because we don't sleep.
Cancer cancer cancer.
Or maybe he's worrying if he bought eggs?
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