eatthefrostingfirst

I was talking with my sister in law saying how stressed I was.  “Stress is a powerful thing” she replied.  And I thought how true that was and how it really effects your mind and often your body. I know this first hand because I lost 3 lbs this week without meaning to (but you know- bonus of course)  Our family has been through a slew of emotions this week as my father in law passed away Wednesday and we are in the midst of having youngest’s bar mitzvah in now 8 days.  From sadness to joy in one full swoop. It’s hard to know how to navigate. DH, along side his brother and mother, sat with my FIL for days as he was growing weak. I was nervous for them yet I’ll be honest - at the same time thinking we have a joyous event that we are planning - what can I do? And I thought and overthought 100 different scenarios because that’s what a woman with slight anxiety does.  And when I became cancer girl I vowed to try to learn something about m...

I cant stand using the word lucky and cancer in the same sentence. There is no luck in cancer. I read the obituaries. I know. It's weird. I've read them for probably over 20 years. My Dad read them and used to tell me it was to make sure his name wasn't in there. God I miss my Dad. I read them and it makes me literally sick to my stomach when I read of people dying of cancer. Especially people close to my age. Mothers. Fathers. Or even worse. Children. CANCER SUCKS, It sucks so bad that there's an actual hashtag #cancersucks. There are so many telethons and charities and fundraisers that's how badly it sucks. But here's the thing. And I've said this before. Buying pink earmuffs is not curing cancer. Helltober is around the corner. You know. The month where you're supposed to wear pink to raise awareness to breast cancer. Please do not send me a shirt saying save the ta ta's. The money for that t-shirt did not save my ...

We went to Maine this week. It's my happy place so sitting on the beach with a little 5 month old baby cooing next to me brought me even more happiness. I miss that age. Remember when they just wanted to snuggle with their Mommy and were happy staring at a plastic giraffe for an hour? That's what this little one did. Oh. The days before the eye rollers. Don't get me wrong. I love my eye rollers more than anything on this earth but I do wish they would still snuggle with me. I closed my eyes to the sun and tried to chill. Then I shed a tear. I  met a group of amazing people online during my early years when oldest was a preemie and a trached baby. The message boards back then were my lifeline. Recently, her trached baby passed away. He was born a week before oldest. When I lost Zachary it was a different kind of grief. I loved him because he was my baby. I carried him for the 7 months that I could and he was my heart and soul. But I only got to know him ...

I signed up for the LIVESTRONG program at a local YMCA. For those of you who don't know about this, it is a free 12 week program for cancer survivors. It helps you get moving and gives you the support you need to get back (or in my case; get started!) on some exercise in your life. For those that are survivors or know survivors- please pass on my PSA. FREE! Call your local YMCA. You're welcome. So yea, signed up to get my ass moving because my bones and joints ache so much from this god forsaken cancer pill that even I am tired of hearing myself complain about it. I'm tired of the immediate fog I go into after taking said god forsaken cancer pill. I'm also tired of thinking that my breasts look uneven when I look in the mirror . (covered in a bra and tshirt I'm pretty sure no one is staring to see if I'm even) (Or maybe they are and in that case if you would like I can pass on the number of amazing plastic camp alum surgeon) I'm tired of m...

I laughed my ass off the other day when my friend was telling me that her husband thinks it's crazy that girls talk about nothing. For hours on end. " You talk about the price of cheerios" he told her. And no truer words were ever spoken. And that sums up girlfriends in a single sentence. That's the beauty. We can talk about our toddler who refuses to crap in a toilet or our teenager who is being excluded from the "group" or the fact that an annoying sales woman talked our ear off in the Nordstroms dressing room. And in the midst of your talking about your teen eye rollers you have to discuss the latest tear jerker episode of THIS IS US and the story you saw on the TODAY show and how your stomach hurts from too much Chinese Food.  You can go from zero to 100 in a matter of 2 minutes. And your girlfriend understands this because this is how her mind works too. We love our husbands. But they aren't our girlfriends. They will never un...

I'm back to my non sleeping cycle. And I've been kind of emotional lately. Maybe it's the hormones. Or the lack of hormones. Or the fact that Kim and Khloe have been lashing out at Kourtney. Whatever it may be; kinda weepy. And here's the thing... You may be driving down the highway and Rachel Platten's "Fight Song" comes on the radio. And that was the song you played your first day of chemo. And maybe you kind of lost it in the car while traveling to Target. Then you're stuck in the Target parking lot with a ruddy complexion and puffy eyes and you know you can't go in looking for your Oil of Olay until your eyes dry up but you're having a hard time collecting yourself. That's the joy of cancer. It hits you out of nowhere even though you are done with treatment and your hair, (according to your 6 year old niece) (who has no idea why you have short hair) "is getting longer" and you can finally look in the mirror wi...

Things I've learned in the last 24 hours... 7 weeks away at summer camp makes one very crabby teenager in return. Wet towels from 7 weeks away at summer camp should be immediately thrown away. Do not even try to salvage. While you're at it throw out the pillow you sent him with.  It's worth using your next Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon to buy another. Although I've tried to limit questions, apparently the ones I do ask require eye roll responses. 7 weeks of camp laundry totally needs at least 2 Tide pods- minimum. Your child does not miss social media when away yet must be attached to it for the first 24 hours home. I'm actually not sure my camper is even in my house. This is how little I have seen of him. I need to do a entire food shop again. I'm just waiting for him to mention he is bored.

I had a follow up with my oncologist recently. I hadnt been in 6 months and I have to admit the second I got off the elevator, panic set in. Not because I was worried about the visit but because the memories were so raw. Was it floor 8 or 9? I couldn't remember. Chemo was 8. Cancer center 9. I passed the store where I got my never worn wig and the prosthetic that I hated. I peered in watching an older woman look at some scarves. My eyes welled up. I walked up to check in. Hard sucking candies to my left just like before. (Calms the nausea) Room filled with a few wheelchairs, one covered their face in a hospital mask, a few women with newly shaved heads. No one wants to look at each other but we all have the same feelings. Sorry you're here. Camaraderie at its finest. Wishing we weren't on the awful 9th floor. I get called back for vital signs. Past the graham crackers of course. Put on the gown; "opening in front" (Im very familiar with the ...

Youngest comes back from overnight camp in a few days. He has been gone 7 weeks (which honestly feels like two) (Which may sound horrible because..."7 weeks, did't you miss your kid?" But it flies and sure I miss him but each year gets easier and sorry, not sorry,but ....well, kind of enjoyable)(Yes. I said it out loud. Relax. Those of you with kids gone are thinking the same thing) So, he comes home soon. And of course I can't wait to see him but after 5 summers of doing this I know how re-entry into the world goes. And it's not pretty. Because our campers are tired. I mean- totally tired. Like haven't stopped going going going for 49 days tired. And parents haven't been around nagging (I mean telling) (I mean asking) them to do things like brush teeth, pick up their room, eat a veggie, and pick up your towel. And the minute a request comes out of a parents mouth they will get either an eye roll, heavy sigh or a non enjoyable snappy comeba...

You know how you go away and have a really nice time and then you have to get home back to the reality and you kind of dread it and then you get to the airport two hours before your scheduled flight because you and your husband are kind of anal and you think security lines will be long and then you await your flight and it gets delayed not once, not twice but three times making it a 3 hour delay and you end up kind of losing your good mojo that it was a fun getaway? You know that feeling? And then you get on the plane and you want to be annoyed but there's a toddler two rows in front of you singing LALALALALA and you smile and then he sings it louder and then he starts punching  his mother in the face because he is two and thinks it's funny and then yells "daddy lap" and starts lalalala-ing again and yelling HI to everyone on the plane. Went to Chicago for oldest's birthday to see a Yankee game.  He wants to see as many stadiums as he can and I do love Chica...

After a 5 hour and 45 minute drive (mostly in a monsoon) we arrived in Philly. I've never been and due to the ridiculous breaking of my toe on a ottoman; last minute plans brought us to the land of the liberty bell. We were literally planning to spend only 24 hours so we got down to the important business: a visit to the "Rocky" stairs, a picture in front of the bell, a visit to a WAWA and a Philly's game.  It was 96 degrees and I was in a walking boot so you can just picture the joy climbing up to the top seats at the stadium. I'm not a huge baseball fan but oldest was in his glory and we got to hang with DH's college friends.  I don't know if you know anyone who went to Penn State but the school is a giant cult. The bonus is I married into the cult and love his friends so it made sitting through 96 degree heat bearable. It was "wall of fame" night and they were honoring Roy Halladay.  He was a Phillies player who sadly died in a solo...

When oldest was in the NICU, and when he was healthy enough for me to hold him, I would sing the theme song of Mary Tyler Moore to him. ( totally showing my age -but it was appropriate) "You're going to make it after all." Now I'm singing Five for Fighting (which is so much more hip than Mary)(Although the fact that I just used the word hip is probably making me very un-hip) "I'm 15 for a moment caught in between 10 and 20" How is the kid 15? It was a tough road and a frightening as hell pregnancy. Oldest spent 180 days in the NICU. (You for sure know the story by now because I've told it quite a few times...) I relive it every August. For two years all I knew was how to care for a sweet boy with a tracheostomy. A ventilator was attached to him which was attached to an oxygen tank which sat in my family room which was next to a suction machine which was next to his feeding pump which was often attached to his feeding tube. It t...

The news has been filled with tragedy this week. Kim Kardashian is upset with her new haircut. For real. This was a story on my TODAY show newsfeed. And on my local radio shows. When are they done with their 15 minutes of fame and why do we still care that the Duggar kids are having babies? I was enjoying some time on the patio with my dog yesterday. I should've kept enjoying time on the patio with my dog but I chose to come in because it was too hot. And then I stubbed my toe on the damned ottoman. And then I screamed a few expletives and felt it swelling by the nanosecond. And then I was in urgent care confirming I broke the pinky toe. And then I was sporting a beautiful black boot which is in desperate need of a be-dazzle (do people still bedazzle?) And then I woke up at 3AM practically crying from the intense pain from a stupid broken pinky toe. And then I had to cancel our original weekend plans to check out Ausable Chasm in upstate NY (Google it. It looks pre...