The circle of life

I was talking with my sister in law saying how stressed I was. 

“Stress is a powerful thing” she replied. 

And I thought how true that was and how it really effects your mind and often your body. I know this first hand because I lost 3 lbs this week without meaning to (but you know- bonus of course) 

Our family has been through a slew of emotions this week as my father in law passed away Wednesday and we are in the midst of having youngest’s bar mitzvah in now 8 days. 

From sadness to joy in one full swoop. It’s hard to know how to navigate.

DH, along side his brother and mother, sat with my FIL for days as he was growing weak.

I was nervous for them yet I’ll be honest - at the same time thinking we have a joyous event that we are planning - what can I do?

And I thought and overthought 100 different scenarios because that’s what a woman with slight anxiety does. 

And when I became cancer girl I vowed to try to learn something about myself whenever I could- to possibly try to improve where I can. 

And this is what I learned- yet sadly really already knew.

No amount of overthinking helps. 

It just causes you to have a stomach ache along with insomnia and to possibly yell at the people you don’t mean to yell at because you are feeling so much weight on your shoulders you don’t know what to do or how to act or what to predict. 

So you overthink. 

And then whatever you’re overthinking about happens and you get through it.

However you need to.

You just do.

Because somehow our body gets us through tough and difficult and stressful times. 

DH came yesterday to help with the plans of today’s funeral while the boys and I drove. What should’ve been a 3 1/2 hour trip turned into 6 1/2 thanks to traffic and construction. 

As I silently wanted to cry and was absolutely losing any shit that I had together - my teens rose to the occasion. They were quiet and calm and perhaps even a bit scared to open their mouths but we made it. 

We arrived at the hotel and when she said to me I can’t check you in because the reservation is under your husbands name and he isn’t with you well- let’s just say this mom was about to unleash. 

Woman behind the desk had pity on me I guess and handed me our Hilton honors bag of two free waters and Milano cookies and for the first time in perhaps 8 days I breathed. 

Not because of the Milano’s (because they were dark chocolate and I prefer milk ) but because I was finally about to crawl into bed and maybe even sleep.

Hahaha

Sleep.

What was I thinking? I don’t sleep anymore.

So I thought about my FIL and how he drove 8 hours in a snowstorm when we got engaged so he could have dinner and meet my parents.

I thought about how he cried bedside with me when we lost Zachary.

How he held newborn youngest son at his bris.

How he planted a “lollipop tree” at his house in Vail trying to convince my, then; young boys- that lollipops grew on trees in Colorado. 

How he drove after his younger sons wedding to sit with my mom in her kitchen because my Dad had died days before 

I will miss the man who wore plaid shirts and sat on my black leather chair (that really only he sat on) reading the paper or watching my kids perform a “show”. 

I will be alongside DH as we lay him to rest today but will do my best to help keep his memory alive for my children. 

And as we go from a sad occasion to switching gears and planning a happy one this week- I lay beside my oldest son last night as he fell asleep. 

And I put my hand on his back because he was sleeping so soundly I wasn’t even sure he was breathing. 

And I cried.

Because the boy who used to breathe so heavy and loudly and with the assistance of a machine -

Was sleeping peacefully next to his mom. 

And that folks is what this week is about.

Family.

And the circle of life.

Love fiercely .

And tell the people you do when they’re alive - so they can all know and appreciate your love.

Goodbye Les Stern.

May your memory be a blessing.