My sleep patterns are all over the place.
I dont fall asleep til late and then I sleep late in the AM and feel all unrested.
My mind does NOT know how to shut the hell up.
However, it is when I do my best thinking.
Overthinking of course.
Cancer threw me for a real giant fruit loop.
And not to sound too hippie granola crunchy like but it has changed me mentally, physically and spiritually.
I definitely eat the frosting first but then I hate myself for eating the frosting.
Im trying desperately to be happy in my own skin yet I still cannot look in the mirror without wanting to cry at my treasure map scarred body and still uncomfortable with my hair.
Lose 20 lbs
Stay the way I am
It really doesn't matter other than the fact I NEED TO FEEL GOOD.
Im trying to figure out what makes me feel good?
I've reprioritized for sure.
I've moved myself up on the totem pole and made ME being happy closer to the top
Because I've learned without a happy me- the rest just spirals into a shit hole.
So how do we do that? Make ourselves happy?
"What makes me happy" was the first question I was asked in my LIVESTRONG program.
My answer was easy; my family.
The love I feel for DH and the two eyerollers is overflowing.
I'm trying so very hard to be the non screaming, more patient parent that I strive to be.
(But when the dirty sock is on day 4 of living in the middle of youngest's room it is difficult for this Anal mom to be all zen)
I'm trying to move more. Whatever that may be.
I'm trying new things. Livestrong is forcing me out of my comfort zone to be in a gym with others (that look way better in spandex than I do) and try to improve my strength both physically and mentally.
I'm trying to be more present.
(Something I told my youngest son to do during my bar mitzvah speech to him last week.)
Don't wish away time.
Enjoy the time and the people you are with.
My boys are growing quickly.
Seriously. That time flies cliche holds a lot of truth to it.
There are days that, I of course, dream of traveling with DH and having more time to see the world and eventually buy our dream vacation home.
But then that means my kids will have flown the coop.
And right now I'm not so ready for that.
So while I play a mean game of UNO and discuss the meaning of oldest's summer reading book I want time to slow the hell down.
And I want to enjoy my moments
And maybe my moments mean eating some extra frosting but the key is not to beat yourself up for doing it.
My big take away I think from crappy cancer is what I learned from my radiation sessions.
The tech behind the window (you know, the voice behind the curtain kind of thing) would tell me to hold my breath while they radiated me with ...
well with radiation I guess...
and then when done she would say...
"and breathe"
And this is my new mantra.
Take a big breath in
and breathe.
Make yourself happy first.
The rest I (think) will follow.
I'll let you know how it goes
I'm working on it....
I dont fall asleep til late and then I sleep late in the AM and feel all unrested.
My mind does NOT know how to shut the hell up.
However, it is when I do my best thinking.
Overthinking of course.
Cancer threw me for a real giant fruit loop.
And not to sound too hippie granola crunchy like but it has changed me mentally, physically and spiritually.
I definitely eat the frosting first but then I hate myself for eating the frosting.
Im trying desperately to be happy in my own skin yet I still cannot look in the mirror without wanting to cry at my treasure map scarred body and still uncomfortable with my hair.
Lose 20 lbs
Stay the way I am
It really doesn't matter other than the fact I NEED TO FEEL GOOD.
Im trying to figure out what makes me feel good?
I've reprioritized for sure.
I've moved myself up on the totem pole and made ME being happy closer to the top
Because I've learned without a happy me- the rest just spirals into a shit hole.
So how do we do that? Make ourselves happy?
"What makes me happy" was the first question I was asked in my LIVESTRONG program.
My answer was easy; my family.
The love I feel for DH and the two eyerollers is overflowing.
I'm trying so very hard to be the non screaming, more patient parent that I strive to be.
(But when the dirty sock is on day 4 of living in the middle of youngest's room it is difficult for this Anal mom to be all zen)
I'm trying to move more. Whatever that may be.
I'm trying new things. Livestrong is forcing me out of my comfort zone to be in a gym with others (that look way better in spandex than I do) and try to improve my strength both physically and mentally.
I'm trying to be more present.
(Something I told my youngest son to do during my bar mitzvah speech to him last week.)
Don't wish away time.
Enjoy the time and the people you are with.
My boys are growing quickly.
Seriously. That time flies cliche holds a lot of truth to it.
There are days that, I of course, dream of traveling with DH and having more time to see the world and eventually buy our dream vacation home.
But then that means my kids will have flown the coop.
And right now I'm not so ready for that.
So while I play a mean game of UNO and discuss the meaning of oldest's summer reading book I want time to slow the hell down.
And I want to enjoy my moments
And maybe my moments mean eating some extra frosting but the key is not to beat yourself up for doing it.
My big take away I think from crappy cancer is what I learned from my radiation sessions.
The tech behind the window (you know, the voice behind the curtain kind of thing) would tell me to hold my breath while they radiated me with ...
well with radiation I guess...
and then when done she would say...
"and breathe"
And this is my new mantra.
Take a big breath in
and breathe.
Make yourself happy first.
The rest I (think) will follow.
I'll let you know how it goes
I'm working on it....
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