Halloweens past

 I can’t sleep.

It’s October 31st and ironically this day shares double meaning. 

I guess triple meaning if you consider it’s Halloween.

Meaning #1 is that this was the date that oldest and his twin brother, Zachary, were due.  

Thanks to a shitty pregnancy and more complications than I care to discuss at 1AM, most of you know they arrived 3 months earlier. 

The day always reminds me of what should have could have would have been. 

It was a long time ago. 

18 years to be exact.

So the heartache definitely isn’t as raw but you don’t forget that you were supposed to have another child growing up in your house. 

Meaning #2 is that 4 years ago I was recovering at Mass General from TRAM flap surgery. 

(Taking fat from my stomach and making it into a breast)

(Clearly phenomenal and a lot more complicated than that; but that’s the gist)

I spent Halloween, 2017, dressed as a recovering cancer patient in a johnny that was 3 sizes too big for me, walking around with an IV pole attached. 

Good times.

Forgive me if Halloween isn’t my favorite holiday (although I do love me any holiday that celebrates the eating of chocolate) 

But the years of October 31st past have not been so festive.

Apparently this year I’m dressed as Debbie Downer because this is depressing. 

I think I’ll spend the rest of my insomnia time trying to understand how Butterfingers are still in existence 

(yet I’m not a nut fan so cannot be certain I’ve ever even had one since I was 8).