eatthefrostingfirst

So you know the days when you just want to close the door and let the kids somehow find their way to dinner and friends houses and independently do their homework? We've all been there. I get tired that I STILL have to remind my tween-aged boys to wash their hands and brush their teeth. The struggles for homework are real. Screen time vs playing outside? Trying to get a green food into my youngest vs his third day eating pizza. There are many days I scream and yell. And then there are days that I really don't care that he is eating pizza again. Those days I am reminded of what's important. Health. Seriously, cliche but the truth. Love and happiness are a close tie for number one but health trumps all. When oldest was in the NICU I spent many a day (3 months to be exact) at Children's Hospital in Boston. When I needed a break I would sit on the benches outside Au Bon Pain and people watch. There were bald children pulling their IV poles behind them. There ...

So I have a buzz cut going on. Naturally along with the lack of hair comes something called folliculitis. Seriously? Let's go back to my senior year of HS Latin class and break the word down. The root word being "follicle" and "itis" meaning something medical you don't want to get. So yup, I have some kind of acne/strep/fungus whatever itchy crap on my scalp. Apparently it worsened when wearing the wig (traps the scalp from being "free" according to oncology nurse). She calls me in a lotion and suggests I be "free" whenever possible. So I have barely come to terms with the lack of hair. I allow myself to walk around the house without a scarf but still cannot stand to stop in front of a mirror. What's left of my hair is really really gray which is not so fun and let's remember, I barely have hair. My husband, two kids and even the dog don't seem to blink twice which is a blessing because I'm doing a lot of blin...

"It's only hair" Things you should never say to someone going thru chemo. Your hair is showing the world you are still healthy you. You can hide the fact you're breaking inside. You are terrified half the time and sick and sad but you can still fake this. The second your hair is gone you are exposed. The mask is lifted. The woman you pass in the parking lot, the cashier at the market, the parent at your kids school.. they now all know and are looking at you differently. No malice- just different. Curious. Sadness. Pity. I (my husband) shaved my head and for the first time since diagnosed I felt in control of something. Almost liberated. Losing strand by strand was causing me so much anxiety. I was tired of cleaning my shower drain and using a lint brush on my clothes. The bit by bit was a daily stab - you have cancer and you can't do anything about it. Each day you will suffer through this. I was torn to hold on to what hair I had and just let it fall out ...

It's a bit weird but I look forward to chemo each week. It's an indicator that I'm getting closer to the end. Plus today I got to go with a girlfriend. Nothing against DH as he has been nothing but AH-MAZE-ING during this all but sitting with a girlfriend is almost like going out to lunch together. Except you know- Nurse K is the waitress and my salad is chemo- and the other patrons aren't exactly loving their meal and are wanting to send it back but otherwise- it's practically EXACTLY like lunching with a friend. For those keeping track today was chemo number 5 and I desperately try to cover up my scalp with any which way my hair will fall. Hanging on but not much longer in that department. And I'm sure you are all curious wanting to know so here you go... 20 lbs? Yup. Still have them. Had a good cry this past week. Overdue and needed. Cancer makes you cry a lot. And then you're okay. And then you're not again. It's a bit like PMS. You bl...

I have many issues. I've never met a carb I didn't like I interrupt when people talk I'm glass half empty I worry way too much (I blame my mother and grandmother for this) I'm guilt ridden about everything (I blame my Jewish ancestors ) Cancer has made me more guilt ridden which is so ridiculous because if there was ever a time to be selfish and just worry about yourself- it's cancer. I started a summer camp job last summer which I loved - basically because camp is embedded in my blood. It's not the overnight camp I grew up at but it's camp. My plan is to return this summer but I worry my body won't allow me to work as much as I'd like. No one of course is worried about this but me. Guilt. All I want to do really is crawl into bed until February when my treatment and surgeries are over. It's March so clearly this would not be healthy. I do allow myself to do this a couple days post chemo. Frankly, there's no other place I really ...

Planned to shave the head today. If I'm being honest I hate the fact of having it fall in my hands during a shampoo and Ive kind of come to terms with the whole hair loss thing. I went to MGH and had an apt to cut it. It was like an episode of goodnight moon as I left my bathroom this morning- goodbye brush- goodbye headband to hold back my hair- good bye hair dryer. Goodbye curling iron that I wont use for a bit. MGH cancer store rocks. They have everything you need and she was honest when I sat down to have the head shaved. "I would wait". She said. You still have so much hair. It's thinning but apparently Im the only one who can notice and is driven insane by it. Of course DH and my dear friend told me the same that morning but apparently I needed 15 more people to tell me. So I walked out of there with some bras to hold the fake breast in place and kept my hair (which ironically is in desperate need of a cut but I feel that's counter productive right ...

Dear pre cancer self Don't wait until you have something go wrong in your life before you need a wake up call. Stop and breathe. Go on more date nights. Play that game with your kids when they ask. Put down your phone. Remind your BFF how much you love her. Walk the dog more. Buy yourself flowers; you deserve it. Don't stress too too much about the 10lbs. Or 20lbs. Feel happy in your skin. Lick the bowl. Swim with your kids. Have more dance parties. Don't worry as much. You didn't worry so much about your cancer returning and it did and you are dealing with it.   You are stronger than you realize. Use your good china. Take that cooking class you wanted to. Read more. Wean out the bad. Keep the good. Hug whenever you can.

Why must I have a weekly weigh in before chemo? It's only a reminder that I'm still 20lbs overweight. Cruel punishment. I was really hoping I'd find a silver lining in chemo and lose some quick weight. Not so much. Steroids are not your dieting friend. Either is menopause. Sure I feel crappy for a couple days but that's when I crave PBJ and a bagel and cream cheese. Not exactly a green salad. After this year is over I vow never to eat a graham cracker again. For those keeping track day 15-still have my hair- still have my 20 lbs. Overheard chemomate give his date of birth today which ended in 1990. Cancer doesn't discriminate. Watching the news during chemo is not very relaxing. Jcc bomb threats across the country doesn't exactly exude a peaceful mind. Speaking of- I LOVE my meditation app. Need to find a few more. I love that I can be zen. I love that I can use zen in a sentence. Much love to my village people. From cancer girl "Some of it...

Dear New Friend I saw you in the elevator. You and your husband were holding hands as you watched the floors pass you by. Floor 9 came really quickly as you walked off and turned left. You scanned the room to see if anyone else was watching you. You didn't want them to see you staring back at them but you couldn't turn away either. You were them now. You held out your wrist as the administrator put the ID band on then took a seat to wait. I know you're terrified. I know you cannot believe that you are now them. You hold back the tears as you see a woman clutching her bag as she leaves the lab with her bald head exposed. You want to throw up at the thought that in months; this will be you. The fact that the waiting room is filled with women of all ages makes you contemplate your life. You think about your husband's colleague who lost her life at the age of 35. Your high school friend, your camp friend, the woman from your town. You wonder how breast cancer beca...

You all rock. You; the ones reading this. Thank you. Thinking of you. Saying a prayer. What can I do? You're doing it. I dont need your daily calls to know you are thinking of me. Don't apologize because you haven't sent me a meal. You have lives too. Your virtual hugs or occasional text. Thank you. THANK YOU. I'm feeling quite loved. I decided to come out early to address the elephant in the room. The one where there may be whispers or dialogues after I walked away of people saying "what's wrong with Abby?". Not mean spirited of course- just curious concern. I didn't want the pity stares. I didnt want YOU to feel uncomfortable when you see me sporting the scarf at Target. I didn't want you to look at me with sadness or not knowing the right thing to say because you now see me looking differently. I wanted to prepare you just as I wanted to be prepared. I do better with a plan. I figure you would too. So you know now. And I hope...

When oldest had a g tube it was our best friend and worst enemy. It was often used as a crutch when he didn't feel like eating, yet,  it  was a savior any time he was dehydrated or sick (think: getting awful tasting meds in your sick kid without any issues) This is how I feel about my port.  It sticks out a bit and that bulging vein thing is a bit  creepy but do I love it when I can easily have blood drawn and IV meds infused into me? You betcha!  I have terrible veins. You would think I may have spent my early years as a drug user. I always get stuck at least twice (something about small rolling veins ) and often when I need an IV (because I'm queen of surgeries) they have to put it into my hand. Those of you who have been there with me know...it hurts! So the port- a quick second of a pinch then good to go. Infuse away.  Today's chemomates were acupuncture woman- yup- needles in legs and neck as she lied there- no hair- a rash on her cheeks from th...