I have many issues.
I've never met a carb I didn't like
I interrupt when people talk
I'm glass half empty
I worry way too much (I blame my mother and grandmother for this)
I'm guilt ridden about everything (I blame my Jewish ancestors )
Cancer has made me more guilt ridden which is so ridiculous because if there was ever a time to be selfish and just worry about yourself- it's cancer.
I started a summer camp job last summer which I loved - basically because camp is embedded in my blood. It's not the overnight camp I grew up at but it's camp. My plan is to return this summer but I worry my body won't allow me to work as much as I'd like. No one of course is worried about this but me. Guilt.
All I want to do really is crawl into bed until February when my treatment and surgeries are over.
It's March so clearly this would not be healthy.
I do allow myself to do this a couple days post chemo. Frankly, there's no other place I really could be because I feel like crap. After that, I push to get out- breathe fresh air- meet an occasional friend. The guilt here? I'm not wanting to call and socialize much. I just want this chapter to pass and I'm doing it the best I know how. The guilt? That people want to lunch and visit and support and I just want to watch law and order reruns.
It's not depression it's just that I have cancer and it kinda bums you out- not 24/7 -but a good chunk. Because if I'm being honest, if I'm not nauseous I'm suffering some other GI issue or I'm so damned fatigued my couch and I are all the socializing I can handle.
Guilt. Why don't I want to get out there?
It could be because I'm losing my hair and my face is covered in a rash from the steroid and my fake boob sucks and the thought of putting on real clothes is unimaginable.
I'm working on the guilt as I realize it's my own issue. My village people have been wonderful. You understand. Or if you don't you pretend to. You don't pressure- you support.
You don't overstep- you tip toe the best you know how.
It's not you; it's me.
It's not me; it's the cancer.
Self: I'm dealing with this disease the best I know how. It's your time to be selfish. It's okay to put yourself first .
I will learn to practice what I preach.
I've never met a carb I didn't like
I interrupt when people talk
I'm glass half empty
I worry way too much (I blame my mother and grandmother for this)
I'm guilt ridden about everything (I blame my Jewish ancestors )
Cancer has made me more guilt ridden which is so ridiculous because if there was ever a time to be selfish and just worry about yourself- it's cancer.
I started a summer camp job last summer which I loved - basically because camp is embedded in my blood. It's not the overnight camp I grew up at but it's camp. My plan is to return this summer but I worry my body won't allow me to work as much as I'd like. No one of course is worried about this but me. Guilt.
All I want to do really is crawl into bed until February when my treatment and surgeries are over.
It's March so clearly this would not be healthy.
I do allow myself to do this a couple days post chemo. Frankly, there's no other place I really could be because I feel like crap. After that, I push to get out- breathe fresh air- meet an occasional friend. The guilt here? I'm not wanting to call and socialize much. I just want this chapter to pass and I'm doing it the best I know how. The guilt? That people want to lunch and visit and support and I just want to watch law and order reruns.
It's not depression it's just that I have cancer and it kinda bums you out- not 24/7 -but a good chunk. Because if I'm being honest, if I'm not nauseous I'm suffering some other GI issue or I'm so damned fatigued my couch and I are all the socializing I can handle.
Guilt. Why don't I want to get out there?
It could be because I'm losing my hair and my face is covered in a rash from the steroid and my fake boob sucks and the thought of putting on real clothes is unimaginable.
I'm working on the guilt as I realize it's my own issue. My village people have been wonderful. You understand. Or if you don't you pretend to. You don't pressure- you support.
You don't overstep- you tip toe the best you know how.
It's not you; it's me.
It's not me; it's the cancer.
Self: I'm dealing with this disease the best I know how. It's your time to be selfish. It's okay to put yourself first .
I will learn to practice what I preach.
Hi. I work with Cory Stern and he forwarded your blog to me. I lov lov lov it! I too have battled this ridiculous and frustrating disease. I think you might of seen my TEDx talk? id love to meet you .. maybe via phone? looking foraward to it
ReplyDelete