eatthefrostingfirst

A few weeks ago I stood in line at Marshalls because youngest needed a blue "decent" shirt. And by decent I mean solid blue shirt. No logo, stripes, collar or buttons. Thankfully I knew that the little guy on the red horse passed the test (thank you Ralph) and I stood in line. It was a comfortable weather day and although there were a few people in front of me; I was in no huge rush and browsed the crap that they put in the register aisle so people will by said pad of paper, apple macintosh yankee candle or the 50 different chargers and cases that you may possibly need. All was well; until it wasn't. Hear me out ladies- if you are not here yet- god bless you. Enjoy your perfectly normal temperature body because there will come a time when this happens. When you are minding your own business feeling not in the slightest of needing to jump in a pool and then wham Marshalls just moved to the Sahara Desert. The patience I had just got tested and that line could ...

Youngest leaves tomorrow for overnight camp. I love seeing his excitement build up. Because I remember it so well. It got me thinking of how much camp has changed. Here's how it used to be... Saying you had swimmers ear was girl code for having your period. You got out of swim lessons. Some of us tried to get away with swimmers ear for an entire 8 weeks. Camp back then was 4 weeks or 8. The time has gone to 3 1 /2 or 7 weeks but the prices went up. Go figure. Some of the daily cleaning jobs consisted of being the "inspector",  "dustpan" or my all time favorite; "bedrungs and windowsills". Somehow an entire evening activity one year was cleaning out hair because of a lice epidemic. Kid you not. It has scarred us alumni. There were things called "doody olympics" where boys got hung by their underwear on wedgie hooks. Now we would be calling it child abuse. I was also "forced" to wake up in the middle of the nigh...

Oldest graduates middle school tomorrow. "Back in the day" we didn't have a middle school graduation. We didn't have a middle school so I guess if we did have such a thing it would've been a "junior high graduation". Now everyone has graduations. Pre school graduation (which clearly is the cutest of all graduations), Kindergarten, Middle School.. Everything is a celebration. Everything is about certificates and photo ops. Now dont get me wrong. I will definitely be shedding a tear tomorrow as my graduate goes across a stage to get said certificate. I will for sure be quoting some Dr Seuss quote along side his handsome picture on social media followed by a dinner out of his choice  (the kid eats two food groups. Pasta and processed meats so dinner will be probably at the 5 star italian bistro with the never ending breadsticks) Youngest will complain he doesn't want to go there but don't worry folks. Two days later will be his turn...

It's a rainy Saturday afternoon. It's the weekend before youngest leaves for 7 weeks of summer camp. He's chosen to spend his last Saturday with friends vs his Mother. This is no shock. Oldest and DH are watching the Yankees lose on TV. I am skimming through his new summer reading book "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch which I am pretty stoked to read. I'm feeling kind of pensive today so the book skimming came at a good time. Summer is here which is one of my most favorite times of the year. It crept up on me though and I haven't been able to be the zen happy person I wanted to be. Because last summer sucked (scarf, port, 10 extra lbs and months of treatment still in front of me) I wanted it to be my woohoo I'm cancer free summer. My mom is aging and times have been difficult lately. I feel consumed and guilt ridden yet lucky and loved to have her still be a huge part of my life. The kids ending school,  my own camp that I'm w...

Oldest was in speech therapy from the second his trach came out  (19 months of age). We spent the better part of 10 years of our life going back and forth to speech therapy; often twice a week. When you have a trach in  well past your time to start babbling;  it kind of comes with the territory. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact. And this kid has climbed mountains. Seriously. Without complaining. (He is so unlike his mother who takes every opportunity to complain) Point is. Damned proud. Some of his speech issues are still prevalent and at times; he has a stutter. His friends are the greatest people on this side of the planet and are patient and kind and have never once teased him of this. As far as I know, either have classmates. That said; I know this can be stressful for people listening and waiting for him to get his point across. I marvel at his strength to persevere and not get frustrated by clamming up. I remind him that everything he...

Dec 2, 2000 I gave a speech. It was my wedding day and part of it went something like : "I know I wanted to meet someone who was loyal, and ambitious and simply wonderful. I wanted someone who I didnt need to change for and who would love me just the way I was. I realized I wanted someone just like my Dad. But how do you find someone who can measure up to the first man you ever loved?" I think the rest went something like how fortunate I was to have met DH. A guy who does have many of my father's characteristics. A sense of integrity good decent morals and the need to buy the orange juice which is on sale. It's been 8 years since I last was able to hug my Dad. Sometimes it seems every day of the 8 years and sometimes it seems like only 8 minutes. I can still picture his face and hear his voice calling me "baloo baby"  (As in Abaloo. Obviously) I feel pretty damned lucky to have been raised by one of the best and to have another one of the b...

Today sucked. Not sucked like you have cancer but sucked like everything that could go wrong; went wrong. That's the thing. When you compare your normal shit day to "you've got cancer" bad day, you kinda think, hmm, maybe my day wasn't so bad. But you also don't need to compare everything to you've got cancer. Or at least I dont have cancer. Or it could be worse, you could have cancer. See where I'm going with this? It's okay to have a bad day even though others have worse days. So today was one of those days. It started with being a 1/10 of an oz over on a package I was going to mail with one stamp. It just went downhill from there. My Mom has been in the hospital for a few various (nothing terribly serious) reasons and today she was getting sprung. A leisurely ride into Mass General has never been said in the same sentence. It's a hike and a half in there even at 11AM. 11AM. There is rush hour going into Boston at 11AM. Di...

I’ve had a stressful couple of weeks (I’m fine) Talking to some friends it seems everyone is feeling it.  Maybe it’s the end of school year (or maybe it’s the 3 band concerts, 15 sporting events and last minute exams)  I think everyone is just anxious- and ready- for some summer down time.  Whatever  it is- I realize I was needing some mental health time.  Something I may not have recognized a couple years ago.  Something that may seem like a cop out but is essential to our well being.  Mental health is front and center in the news these days so anyone who feels that you needing a mental health day is a load of bs isn’t seeing the full picture. I decided when I couldn’t sleep last night that today would be MY day. I wasn’t sure what that would entail but I was sure it would mean trying not to stress. Ironically a friend texted asking if I was free for a last minute lunch. I jumped at the chance.  It was a gorgeous day and a vent session and get to...

Summah is comin'! I know this because I'm starting to bring out the list. The packing camp list for youngest consists of many of the same basics that it did "back in the day". Towels Bathing suits T-shirts Flip flops to wear in showers because the showers are not like home. But now times have changed. Bath Mat. A bath mat to put by their bed so that when they wake in the morning their feet don't touch the floor. Must be blue. Fuzzy was okay for the first year but now memory foam is the way to go apparently. BATH MATS. You know what I did when I woke up at camp? Touched the floor. This makes me laugh because the other 23 hours and 55 minutes of the day his feet are black from touching the floor, road, grass, dirt and pool. But nope, needs the bath mat. Gum. You are not allowed to chew gum outside the bunk but regardless, he needs gum. I get this. A pack. Maybe two. Or apparently- ten. Every summer I also go out and buy color war parapher...

Time for the mammogram. This is my first time having one at a different hospital. (My oncologist wanted me to keep everything all in one place) It's also my first time having one after cancer. (Not counting the scare I had a few months back but that was in the fake new boob not the real boob) (You know. For those following along) I wasn't overly anxious. Which I know,  I totally shocked myself too. (Especially, because there's a new sister that I know in the sorority and when I learned of her diagnoses I relived my own.  Because that's what we do. Torture ourselves) Yea this new era sucks. The era of our friends, siblings, friends of friends getting cancer. The era of mammograms. So I did the drill. Checking off the boxes of no I haven't fallen in the last 6 months nor do I need assistance. I did need assistance reading the small piece of paper without my reading glasses but no one was calling the optometrist stat so off I went. To sit down wi...

Another suicide today of well known chef, Anthony Bourdain. This of course follows on the heels of Kate Spade. This of course follows on the heels of a report of over 30,000 suicides a year. A Year. We talk about cancer. You have cancer it’s ok to get treatment. A matter of fact, it’s almost expected. Of course you should help yourself. You need help. You have a mental illness. You should seek treatment. Of course you should help yourself. You need help. It’s as simple as that. I’ll tell you that I have mild anxiety. I get help for it. It makes me a healthier person. I’m not ashamed I need help. Let’s start conversations With our kids With our friends Let’s talk - really talk- Have a good cry with the person you trust Reach out Did you know- and I promise you this is the truth Reaching out for help... Doesn’t make you weak It makes you pretty freakin strong One of my favorite quotes was reminded to me the other day (and I’m working on this as I’m a classic interrupter...

Yesterday was National Cancer Survivor Day. I am guessing I speak for most of "US" but every day is national cancer survivor day. I wont get all preachy because believe you me, I am certainly not smelling roses and smiling at my eye roller teens every single day, but, for a good chunk of time, I feel good about my existence. When I start to go down the rabbit hole- you know the one- the one I've talked about ad nauseam  (why me, hating the scars, cursing my short hair) I do often  think... I gotta stop this shit. Because there are people who couldn't "beat' cancer. And what does that mean anyway? I got lucky because I passed GO? There's no beating it. You don't win because you played the game better than the other person. We all want to win. Sometimes it just beats us. I was reminded recently of DH's co-worker  who died from breast cancer a few years back. I shouldn't say reminded of, because although I didn't know her we...