eatthefrostingfirst

People are able to recount the exact place they were  when JFK was shot, when the planes hit the twin towers... when they heard "you have cancer". I was talking to another two time survivor who said she felt worse after her first time around than her second. I'm the other way around. I got off "easy" with "just" surgery the first time.  Chemo, radiation, herceptin infusions on top, multiple surgeries..this was definitely more the big league for me. So yes. It was xmas eve and I got the call. My big joke is thank goodness I'm jewish because it really would've ruined my Christmas.  Instead I cried for an hour and then went to PEPE's for pizza with my family.  Because isn't that what everyone does when they're told they have cancer? I needed some kind of normalcy.  And pizza is the epitome of normal.  "It's what we had feared" "It's not what we had hoped for" "It...

I totally inherited my mother’s neuroses and anxiety (and bad back) but here’s what I don’t get... What the hell did she have to worry about? She didn’t need to worry about the flu causing a death. We had the flu. We had no vaccine.  We vomited and had high fevers and we were given rubbing alcohol rubs to cool our body down.  She was definitely not staying up all night worrying I may die. (And I clearly remember my doctor coming to my house once. ) (No urgent cares back then and we got lollipops not stickers when we got a shot.) She was not worried about bomb threats, mass shootings or lock downs.  As a matter of fact she sent me off to school to walk by myself at the mature old age of 6.  And when I was old enough to ride  my bike,  I can assure you she didn’t make sure I wore my helmet. Because I had no helmet. I’m almost positive I didn’t wear a seat belt and if I did I surely didn’t wear one while sitting in the back of the Buick station wagon with th...

I cried my way through a pot luck lunch. It's true In between the broccoli salad and carrot soup I found myself looking for a tissue but ended up wiping tears away with a bounty oversized napkin. It was our last livestrong class and as we sat on mini sized chairs and gymnastics mats in the babysitting room at the YMCA,  we went around the room and told our stories. We had spent 12 weeks together and we knew this: we were all survivors. The how did we get here part was a bit unknown. We each had our own story but with many common themes. Here's what I can say about people who have gone through cancer: It through us for a loop. I suppose no one expects to ever get cancer but in spite of that, each of our lives were immediately turned upside down. Even a few of "us" immediately had to start treatment or surgery. Immediately. As in; should've been yesterday. It changed us. It's so cliche; I know. We see things differently. We want to give b...

What I've learned Putting a pillow over your head while your roommate snores is not comfortable. And you will not fall asleep this way. Give in and move to the couch/guest room/ bathtub I will never have a small bottom which apparently is okay because the Kardashians pay for this shit. Hallmark Christmas movies are predictable, sappy and corny yet; kind of just the thing you need on a cold Sunday afternoon when you want to curl up with fuzzy socks and a plush throw. After the PATS game of course. (I miss Adam Vinateiri on our team) I was never a dog person. I now, never want to know life without mine. There is not one thing I can think of that is good about Winter. I am meant to retire somewhere warm. With an ocean near by. Comparing yourself or your kids or your life to others gets you nowhere. Don't do it. It's depressing. You are kicking ass and ARE ENOUGH. Summer camp friends are forever friends. No ifs ands or buts. My husband is most always ...

So it's been two days of crying while watching TV. Today's crying was during the show that if you are not watching you must binge immediately- A MILLION LITTLE THINGS. I am hooked. It's the show for me that you wish wouldn't end at 60 minutes. I wont tell you what happened in case you aren't caught up yet but part of the show discusses breast cancer. Clearly a subject close to my heart. A subject that I've thought more than normal about the last few weeks because  tis the season. Tis the season of the diagnoses. Tis the season where I became scared shitless. And there are so many stories of cancer. People who we know. People who have made it to the other side. People who are still sick. People who are going to be taken from us far too soon. And cancer just plain sucks. And it is scary as shit. Yesterday's crying was during the eulogies of George H.W. Bush. I sat listening to Jon Meacham; completely mesmerized.  He is a wonderful sp...

Had to log into my DR online appointments thingamajig and saw that I had my breast MRI coming up end of January. Immediately the heart raced and I felt the struggle to breathe. Here's the thing. I've had many breast MRI's since 2009. A few not so good. (I have "rolling veins" and no one can ever get an IV started and I've mentioned before you need to lie on your stomach with your breasts through two holes for 45 minutes with your arms above your head not breathing.) I know. Joyous. I've been through many but each one is just as nerve-wracking. Do I think I have breast cancer again? No. I don't. (And god knows I self exam monthly in fear of finding a lump) I'm not fearful. Yet I am totally fearful. Because that's my life in a nutshell. I fear. And I dont. I worry each day. Yet take it as it comes. Basically I'm trying to be the zen yoga eat kale one day at a time person that I strive to be but really I'm the worry...

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. I have fond memories of family at my parents house. Lots of relatives. The smell of my Mom's "famous" stuffing (Famous only perhaps amongst me and my brother) My cousin and my Dad would play cribbage after the meal while my the "women" sat around the table and gossiped. I'm pretty sure the rest of the group watched football. I took over the hosting job a year before my Dad died. It was getting to be a lot of work for my Mom (I say my Mom because my Dad's big job was peeling potatoes and carving the turkey) (My Mom was famous for 10 shops to the market, feeling stressed day of not knowing what time the turkey should go in and then most likely forgetting something causing my brother or I to run out to the only convenient store that was open ) (Shout out to Tedeschi's in Newton MA) I would be called over to the house on Tuesday (sometimes Monday and on occasion a Sunday) to set the table....

A man I know was just diagnosed with cancer. It is prostate cancer and "THEY" do say that 80% of men will get it by the time they are 80. But that's not the point. He heard the words "you have cancer" and as those of us who have been there, know all too well the rest of the conversation may have well been Charlie Brown's teacher maw maw mawing away. There is nothing I hated more when people said to me "You will be okay". I know that sounds weird because you would think I would be comforted by their positive thinking but it was more like "yea, you dont really know I will be okay so let me be my half glass empty person that I am and take your positivity with you out the door" We want to be all positive polly but we only hear YOU HAVE CANCER. We want to believe we will be okay, we will get through it, this will be just a chapter in our past some day. But YOU HAVE CANCER is flashing like the Citgo sign at Fenway all through our t...

This coming Saturday is National Prematurity Day. (I remember this because it also happens to be my niece's birthday. ) But really I remember it because of my preemies. DH and I ran into our old NICU nurse today. I say "our" because really, this is who our nurses were to us. Sure they cared for our oldest,  but they were  nurses for OUR family. Middle of the night phone calls, a warm reassuring smile when we were learning to change a diaper on a 2lb baby, a arm on my back when I held Zachary for my first, only, and last, time So, yes, ran into our NICU nurse today. She knew we were parents who "graduated" but considering we didnt run into her in the NICU, it took her a minute to place which parent we actually were. And once she did, it was as if she remembered it all right along side with us. She remembered his corner in NICU D, how she told me to bring in outfits for him (making me feel like a "normal" mother), and how he was "the si...

I often think I'm a bit of a nut job. (quiet in the peanut gallery. just read quietly) So here's the thing For 15 years I've slept with a body pillow. Which, as you may imagine, is a pillow the length of your body. Poor DH as for sure it is like having a third person in bed with us (without the you know) I blame oldest as it started when I was pregnant and haven't been able to give it up. (Don't gross out. I have replaced the said pillow a couple of times already). The thing though is not convenient and when I flip sides, I bring the pillow with me. I know. Ridiculous. You should see me when I travel. I must get extra pillows to replace body pillow. And yes, I need white noise to sleep. And I check the alarm to make sure it's on before I go to sleep (not the clock alarm. The burglar alarm) Because I am terrified of home invasions. And then I check the alarm twice just to make sure I didn't lose my mind or that the creaking noise I heard wa...

I flew east to west to meet two of my besties for a girls weekend getaway . (Flying next to an anxious woman who hadn’t been on a plane in 20 years - you can imagine how joyous that was) We have been friends since we were 9 and wanted to celebrate turning 50 this year (for those who aren’t quick in math that’s 41 years of friendship which is truly amazing). (For the rest of you with your jaws wide open that you cannot believe I am 50- I know- it’s truly astonishing ) We met at camp Grew up together at camp And have remained friends in spite of living in three different states that start with the letter M. (As an FYI Montana, Maryland, Mississippi, Maine and Michigan are not amongst the three if you would like to do a mental challenge of where we are from!) We shopped and laughed and met a lot of LYFT drivers and critiqued our bitmoji’s and ate dinner from a cheese wheel and sang camp songs and consistently said the weather was perfect as was everything about our 3 days toget...

I hate my clock It just reminds me that I’m not sleeping every time I look at it Plus I decide every night at 1am that tomorrow will be the start to my healthier eating and being more fit regimen. Because every new article I read assures me my lack of omega 3 fish oil vitamin pills green shake caused my breast cancer. Clearly new regimen is not working if I keep repeating myself every 1am. Plus I have cancer on my mind. I’m not sure if it’s because I know a few going through breast cancer right now. Or is it because a year ago this time I was once again having reconstruction. Or because it’s pinktober and Jiffy Lube is selling their pink windshield wipers (don’t quote me on that. It may actually be Valovoline) Or is it because I’m destined to always have it on my mind . Ding ding ding. Option C for the win. I can picture myself clear as day - it was week 7 and I did not have the strength to be hauling  my ass into Boston to sit in the freakin blue recliner and have chemo. You don’t...

Hello beautiful New England Fall! Hello gorgeous foliage, apple cider donuts and the only time of year when people use the word brisk. Hello thankful season of oversized sweaters to hide the fact I never got the body I had sworn I would get 5 months ago. The fact that the woman with  lung cancer kicked my ass at livestrong this week is picture clear to me that my fitness level...um, sucks. Keep moving. That's my goal. Smaller steps. Stop talking about losing the 10lbs and make more attainable goals. Like don't eat the apple cider donut. Thank goodness we live on a main street and have never, ever, received a trick or treater. Which means no need to buy Halloween candy. Except youngest decided last minute he wants to go trick or treating. Which means I need to buy "trade candy". This is candy that we trade (duh) with him because he has a peanut allergy and god forbid he doesn't get 100 lbs of candy to eat. So we trade out the snickers and rese...

Had a meeting at oldest's high school today. Students seem really tall and way more mature than when I was there. All girls have long hair. And it's straight. And did I mention they're all tall? No one uses lockers. There are lockers. But they are apparently for decoration. Seems as if students would rather carry 10lb backpacks all day long. Libraries are utilized. I dont remember utilizing the library. Maybe because I didn't ( perhaps others did) So yea. Had a meeting. All was good. Then I went to live strong. Where I leave all zen like. Seriously I know I sound all preachy and almighty but I leave feeling ... comforted. My little group is a safe haven. We are all different shapes and sizes and ages. We have different ranges of ability and yet we are brought together by this common bond. (Albeit a crappy common bond) No judgement. That's what I got out of  today's class. And believe you me, I am judgemental. I will not claim not ...

I complain that I can’t wait til u can sport a pixie hair cut. And then I complain that I just want a short bob. I’m officially 17 months post chemo . Explain to me why my boys need haircuts every 3 weeks and I still can’t put in a ponytail?? Hormones - lack of hormones - whatever I’m lacking- it all sucks. I have hair where I don’t want it- fatigue and insomnia are getting their times mixed up and bones and joints that I didn’t even know could be sore are sore. Oh and I’m constantly hungry. May or may not be cancer meds but you can be damned sure I’m blaming it on them. Scars- you know already... treasure map. The thing is- I’m 10 months out from my last treatment but still don’t know how to work out this new normal. I’m hot I’m cold Mood swings Chemo brain I cry a lot more Love a bit deeper Treasure little things more Care about crap less I hate  pink more than ever And it’s official. I’ve been fighting it for a while but I’ve officially come to terms with it... Jeans are my enem...

Had my livestrong class this morning. And left feeling rejuvenated. Believe me. I'm not shedding lbs And I'm still an arthritic mess. But there is something about being in a room with people who totally get it. We are all different ages. With different backgrounds. And different cancer diagnoses. Yet twice a week we meet in this room. And we move. It may be just as simple as getting on and off a yoga mat for some. Others may be trying to lift heavier weights. Some are just trying to make it through radiation and chemo. There's no judgement here. No matter our age we have all been through hell and back. And we all get that no matter where we are in treatment; currently or in the past it never leaves us. But at the end of the class We breathe. And we exhale. And we focus on ourselves. And we end with a mantra Live Healthy Live Fully Live Strong Thank you livestrong for helping me look forward to a  healthier tomorrow. To those struggling ...

Like so many of you, I have been glued to the news the last week. He said. She said. Me too. I do not like to get political on social media but this is what I do like to talk about. My kids. And your kids. And raising kind kids. Oldest started high school this year. And high school is NOT middle school as we all my remember. It's larger. More hallways to navigate. Larger classes and definitely more school work to deal with. I may have mentioned I was not a great student so I feel for my kid when he struggles with a test or is afraid to ask for extra help. But a friend reminded me of this... when my kid is 40 his test isn't going to matter. What will matter? His kindness. His decency. His heart. I'm all about good grades and achievement and doing well in school. But it's not everything. And I'm living proof. I grew up in a city with a top notch school system. I got average grades; at best. I did not go to a top school even though m...

Dear Chief of GI Unit and Hospital President of unnamed hospital It is bad enough that I turned half a decade old but to make those of us have a colonoscopy just makes this age a tad bit worse. I prepped. For 36 hours I ate no solids. I drank water up the wazoo and ate lime jello and bouillon broth. I drank 3 bottles of lemon magnesium citrate while almost praying to the porcelain god while doing so. I reminded myself I am not the first person to spend hours on end "prepping" so I sucked it up and made my way to unnamed hospital for my 1:00 PM arrival time with DH by my side as my designated driver. As I was checked in I was told that there was a water main break and they were not sure how delayed I would be. Only me. Well, only me and about 15 others. We waited. Everyone was getting quite nudgy as we all glanced around at each other making "this really sucks" faces. At 2PM a woman in scrubs arrived and we all pounced on her asking what was the upd...

Youngest's school had curriculum night last week. I love to go and meet his teachers and see what he is learning. I love that the minute I see the lockers and take a whiff of the gym, I'm instantly brought back to age 13. If only we had our teen years to do over again... I would study more and care less about wanting to be popular. I would be more involved in school activities and not be terrified to raise my hand during class. I would ask more questions and observe more. And I wouldn't perm my hair. It's all easy to say now because I'm 50 and clearly not the person I was when I was 13. Science class was not thrilling me and passing notes in class did. I was never a great student and I'm okay with that now but I wish I had applied myself more. I'm trying to pass on to my kids to have more confidence- something that I lacked back then. As we toured the halls lined with beige tiles and sat in classes with whiteboards (I wonder if our children...

My sleep patterns are all over the place. I dont fall asleep til late and then I sleep late in the AM and feel all unrested. My mind does NOT know how to shut the hell up. However, it is when I do my best thinking. Overthinking of course. Cancer threw me for a real giant fruit loop. And not to sound too hippie granola crunchy like but it has changed me mentally, physically and spiritually. I definitely eat the frosting first but then I hate myself for eating the frosting. Im trying desperately to be happy in my own skin yet I still cannot look in the mirror without wanting to cry at my treasure map scarred body and still uncomfortable with my hair. Lose 20 lbs Stay the way I am It really doesn't matter other than the fact I NEED TO FEEL GOOD. Im trying to figure out what makes me feel good? I've reprioritized for sure. I've moved myself up on the totem pole and made ME being happy closer to the top Because I've learned without a happy me- the rest...

I find it funny that my nights out used to start at the exact time I now go to bed. I find it funny that you may think that I go to bed that LATE. I easily gained 20lbs in college but didn't own a pair of yoga pants. What did I wear?  Oh harem pants how I miss you. Had my second LIVESTRONG class and now love all my classmates. Cancer bonds you. I love that instead of asking where we live we are all asking where our treatment was and comparing oncologists and surgery scars. I am mortified that I actually check out "Married At First Sight"s facebook page. I am mortified that I actually watching "Married At First Sight". I'm barely caught up on buying spiral notebooks and the candy corn is already in full bloom. Why are school pictures scheduled for the first week of school? My HS freshman barely knows where his homeroom is how is he supposed to be made to wear a collared shirt and find the gym? When did Gym get changed to Physical Education? An...

I went to my first LIVESTRONG session the other day. The achiness of my bones and joints is getting worse by the day so I was kind of excited (?) to try anything that may help. I am not a fan of exercising. I do not get the people who love to work out but god, I wish I was them. To WANT to get up and work out is just not something I can imagine ever fathoming. But I am going to try. I was 10 minutes late which caused me huge anxiety. I am never late. NEVER. If I am not 10 minutes early I feel late. I was having a bad morning (and when I say bad morning I mean the deli line at stop and shop was too long and the person in front of me at check out wouldn't stop talking and I needed to get home to grab a quick bite before I hiked over to the "Y") So bad morning continued when I wasn't paying enough attention and went down the wrong street. Then when I got there, no one was at the front desk and I hadn't a clue where to go. A kind woman pointed me i...

Ok I now have two Bar Mitzvah's planned and executed on my resume. I feel it my duty as a fellow Jewish mother to pass along my words of advice and wisdom. You know the DJ's that I talked about in a blog post a month or so ago ? About the ones that now come with "enhancers"? Who, you know, enhance? WORTH. EVERY. PENNY No joke. The three enhancer dancers have more energy in their entire selves that I do in my entire pinky toe. They dance. They engage others in dancing. They take the kids who will never dance and somehow get them to dance. They take all kids under the teen age and get them all mesmerized then teach them all to dance. They teach the adults who dont have moves how to dance. Did you hear me? WORTH. EVERY. PENNY. Get a good DJ. See above. We went with the little lambchops for cocktail hour because we were told (and admit, know from past events) people often love the little lambchops. I didnt want the little lambchops. Because they...

A post showed up on my facebook feed a while ago. I AM STRONG. It's a non profit started by a Mom in my town. Her daughter; Isabelle, was 13 when she committed suicide. My youngest is 13. I cannot ( and will not ) pretend to imagine what kind of heartache Isabelle's parents go through each and every day. What her family and friends think of about the would haves and the could haves. And maybe the should haves. And we cannot imagine what Isabelle must have been feeling. What I can (and will) do is to pass along endless messages as much as I can to anyone who will read. YOU ARE STRONG. You are enough. We are ALL enough. Those friends of yours posting what seem to be their perfect life on instagram- I promise you- there is no perfect. The loneliness you may feel, the stress you may be under, the peer pressure... YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE ENOUGH. It is such a simple thing to be kind to others. Really. How hard is it to wish someone a good day? To smile...

Umm Hello? When did my kid start being able to drive the riding lawnmower and do our entire lawn? And at what point did I start going to sleep BEFORE my children? They can make themselves a meal I do not have to rush through Target to get home They (mostly) flush the toilet This aging thing is kind of amazing and kind of scary as shit at the same time. Oldest is only a year away from driving a car yet needs to be reminded to brush his teeth. Youngest is old enough to ride his bike to Starbucks yet cannot for the life of him throw away the tissue box which has remained under his bed for over a week. Little kids. Little problems. Big kids...scary as shit problems. Social pressures, social media, academic pressure, college pressure, sports (What? You do not play a sport? why on earth do you not play a sport?), drinking, drugs, vaping (which honestly I just learned that Jewel was not just the singer), (And I'm pretty sure not spelled JEWEL), texting while driving, c...

Dear NYC I do not love you. As a matter of fact when I see your little I heart NY shirts, I cringe. I realize I may be a minority. I am sorry but your city makes my blood pressure rise the minute I cross the bridge. It's very noisy. There's so much honking and people cross the street when it's a green light and don't seem to care. And the drivers don't seem to care that you are crossing the street illegally. And the taxi drivers certainly do not care. Stop. Go. Honk. Curse. Repeat. Sure the city is lively. You drop a crystal ball on New  Years Eve. You have lady liberty, a really large M and M store and naked cowboys with signs over there privates hanging out in Times Square. Seriously, what's not to love? There is a restaurant every 3 stores so you are never out of choices. However your diet coke cost me $2.95 and $75 to park in a garage for less than 3 hours. No one slows down. When I waited in Penn Station for our train to announce...

I was talking with my sister in law saying how stressed I was.  “Stress is a powerful thing” she replied.  And I thought how true that was and how it really effects your mind and often your body. I know this first hand because I lost 3 lbs this week without meaning to (but you know- bonus of course)  Our family has been through a slew of emotions this week as my father in law passed away Wednesday and we are in the midst of having youngest’s bar mitzvah in now 8 days.  From sadness to joy in one full swoop. It’s hard to know how to navigate. DH, along side his brother and mother, sat with my FIL for days as he was growing weak. I was nervous for them yet I’ll be honest - at the same time thinking we have a joyous event that we are planning - what can I do? And I thought and overthought 100 different scenarios because that’s what a woman with slight anxiety does.  And when I became cancer girl I vowed to try to learn something about m...

I cant stand using the word lucky and cancer in the same sentence. There is no luck in cancer. I read the obituaries. I know. It's weird. I've read them for probably over 20 years. My Dad read them and used to tell me it was to make sure his name wasn't in there. God I miss my Dad. I read them and it makes me literally sick to my stomach when I read of people dying of cancer. Especially people close to my age. Mothers. Fathers. Or even worse. Children. CANCER SUCKS, It sucks so bad that there's an actual hashtag #cancersucks. There are so many telethons and charities and fundraisers that's how badly it sucks. But here's the thing. And I've said this before. Buying pink earmuffs is not curing cancer. Helltober is around the corner. You know. The month where you're supposed to wear pink to raise awareness to breast cancer. Please do not send me a shirt saying save the ta ta's. The money for that t-shirt did not save my ...